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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
MRex · 31/01/2019 22:43

Maybe she was just checking if you were in, so she could search the house for more cash and nick the TV. (Joke!) (Sort of.)

MRex · 31/01/2019 22:45

Or, does the cleaner have a kid she's been bringing with her and just found out her child has been stealing from you? (Nah, too much.)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/01/2019 23:03

I think you need to have a plan for if she denies it.

itswinetime · 31/01/2019 23:11

Surely there is no plan for if she denies it either way the op has lost trust in her. You can't move on from that this working relationship is over now. Hopefully it will all be amicableish and the cleaner will return the keys. But with the trust gone I would be changing the locks and any codes known to the cleaner for piece of mind.

zod1ac19 · 31/01/2019 23:11

I reckon she will ask you if the money was left out to pay her? And therefore say she took it as her wages but now isn’t sure so wanted to check with you before you could possibly think she had stolen in.

How much do you usually pay her? Ever in cash??

BerylStreep · 31/01/2019 23:13

How often does she come to you?

Darnsquirrels · 31/01/2019 23:20

I think you should tell the police op.

Not that they'll do anything but maybe it'll stay on record (not sure how that works). It would be awful if she did it to someone more vulnerable.

Not that it isn't awful she did it to you! Thanks

Yulebealrite · 31/01/2019 23:27

Yes it sounds as if she's had second thoughts as to whether she will get away with it or not.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 08:51

I think it will be the sevong thoughts thing, and could easily be "I found this money and thought it was left out for payment"

We have never once paid in cash, it's a bank transfer every week.

The only time I ever left cash was the bonus in the Christmas card because it seemed more personal that way than just transferring it by bank.

OP posts:
10000days · 01/02/2019 09:04

I hope she coughs up so you know where you stand!

Aridane · 01/02/2019 09:11

There can’t be anything identifying enough on the thread can there?

If you’re the cleaner, it’s fairly identifying

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2019 09:16

If it was just about payment, she could have texted to say 'just letting you know payment hasn't gone into my account so you can check on it'. That's what I would do. Sounds like she's realised something is up.

glamorousgrandmother · 01/02/2019 10:00

If you’re the cleaner, it’s fairly identifying
Only if she is the cleaner and had been stealing. If she is the cleaner and hadn't been stealing she wouldn't know about the money.

WeeDangerousSpike · 01/02/2019 10:34

OP, can I ask you to reconsider going to the police?

My 92yo gm is housebound and has a cleaner, carers that do her lunch, a 'friend' volunteer person and a young woman that does her shopping.

She keeps her pension money in the house in cash as so she can pay people, she is almost completely blind so can't write cheques.

Her lunchtime carer opened the freezer the other day, and found 250 quid.

The only realistic explanation, for various reasons I won't go into, is that the shopping woman hid the money there (after seeing where gm keeps her cash as she gives her the money to go shopping) and was planning to take it when she put the shopping away.

Gms shopping was always very expensive, we think she was buying other things for herself at the same time. Or just keeping some notes. Now gm has receipts it's about half the price.

It might not just be you she's stealing from, and other people might not be in a position to challenge her or be believed. Or be able to cover the losses.

Also, if you get a crime ref, you might be able to claim on your house insurance - almost 300 is a lot to lose!

Herewegoagain12345 · 01/02/2019 11:16

Sorry to hear about your situation OP - it's horrible when you trust someone who deceives you.

Does sound like it's her though. Definitely go with your plan of changing the locks. The way I see it is you didn't expect this from her, you just never know whats to come. She's not who you thought.

Do let us know how things go :)

DGRossetti · 01/02/2019 11:23

.

MzHz · 01/02/2019 11:57

Hope you’re feeling stronger today, I feel for you. Loss of faith in someone is crushingly awful

Justaboy · 01/02/2019 12:23

Bet she can't make it in 'cos of the snow;!

OP, I still think you ought to ask the police for advice on how to go about this as said a few posts ago she may well have "form" and previous" and if so that will be on record. Ypou will normally have to make a complaint re her to get the wheels of the law turning but they may be able to suggest some ways of checking on her that they can use in evidence if need be they might even have a small hidden cam then you can use that and if you saw a video of her putting your hard earn't cash in her pocket how would you feel then?

Or like the post above if she is bent then the next victim may well be someone like the 92 year old alluded to there.

How would you feel about that?.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 12:43

Oh god, this is even worse than I realised.

I called her and it wasn't anything to do with the money, it was her asking me to give her a reference for her application for residency. Her and her husband aren't UK residents, not sure if it's a Brexit thing or something else.

I've asked her to drop round later so I can talk to her face to face. She's coming at 3.30-4pm.

This is going to be even more difficult than I realised. Not only an I going to have to confront it, but it taies on greater significance in the light of a residency application.

I will just keep a completely open mind. I'm no fool, I know the money was there and when it went missing. I will ask her in a kind, unthreatening way if she had seen it.

Then I'll take it from there. I hope her husband doesn't get involved though, as I don't want any trouble. Apparently he is going to drop her off.

OP posts:
Housingcraze · 01/02/2019 12:44

Get video evidence police will act immediately with that prove

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 12:44

Sorry they are UK residents, just seems not "permanent leave to remain thing".

For me this pushes the burden of proof upwards before I could go to the police. It complicates things.

OP posts:
SingaporeSlinky · 01/02/2019 13:04

Absolutely don’t give a reference, you’re 99.9% sure she’s been stealing from you, your partner and children, which is worst of all. Do you have anything you could use to record your chat later? Either video or just the conversation?
Don’t feel guilty about this affecting her application, it’s absolutely not your responsibility.
Ask her if she moved the £35 and then whatever she says, say you’ve noticed lots of money going missing and you just can’t trust her anymore.

Nutellaoneverything · 01/02/2019 13:18

Can you have someone with you when she comes round? Safety/evidence measures

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 01/02/2019 13:23

I feel for you op. Such a difficult situation for you. You sound like a really lovely employer, Christmas bonus etc, and I'm cross on your behalf that you've been taken advantage of. I hope you get some answers from her even if it's a sob story. It's up to you whether to follow it on with getting police involved. I definitely wouldnt give a reference though.

wigglypiggly · 01/02/2019 13:28

Oh my, like someone else suggested try and have someone else with you in the room when she comes round and do not give her a reference, just say you are unable to, you don't understand the process and you prefer they wait until Brexit is finalised. If they are UK residents then you don't know what or why they are applying. With the money you'll have to find out if she's taken it, you have lost all trust in her so maybe this is also a good time to say that you no longer need her. If you can't have someone with you then record the conversation on your phone but I think you may have to tell her that you are recording the conversation.