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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:59

Yes, I know. I totally agree that I need to be so sure before accusing anyone. I know that children can lie etc. The thing is, and the thing I probably haven't made clear is that today was the test.

I found some cash that had been given to me for some concert tickets. It was £35 in a twenty, ten and five pound notes plus some change.

I was going to put it somewhere sharer and then thought I would just leave it out to put my mind at rest that the children's money wasn't going missing.

I left it under some stuff, so it wasn't visible unless you were disturbing things like cleaning.

No-one else had been in the room, except dh.

I know how easy it is to get these things wrong, after a lifetime of experience. I had to be sure.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2019 22:00

I'd be inclined to leave marked money laying around, or set up a camera in a place that would capture the thieving on camera, just to satisfy your own curiosity that it IS your Cleaner. I feel for your kids, having lost all their birthday and christmas money. Flowers

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:03

I get it. I'm not being hasty here.

If you rtft, the kids, are the ones who most money has been taken from. I know.

It was a test today, and they weren't here. Dh was in all day.

It wasn't a set up, because I completely trusted her. It was intended as a "proof that it wasn't her".

OP posts:
Hedgehog80 · 30/01/2019 22:06

Few years ago we had a cleanser who stole my clothes and I found out when I bumped into her wearing them !
She refused to give the key back I had to change locks !

User292494333 · 30/01/2019 22:06

The £35 is too obvious though, isn’t it? Cash left out in an envelope that day is something you’d notice going missing straight away, and question her about. She’s either the worst thief ever, totally desperate, or it wasn’t her.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:10

Neveradullmomemt, I agree with you, caution is essential, and it would be horrifying to falsely accuse someone.

I did it once, aged 20, and it was the most remorseful thing I have ever done.

So I've learned to be very, very trustworthy. I have been accused of being too gullible many, many times.

I'd rather trust 10 thieves than ever make a false accusation.

Which is probably why I've come up with every possible other explanation before this test today.

There is genuinely no other possibility.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 30/01/2019 22:12

'You need to be so sure of this before accusing her.
Children can lie.'
THIS , most definitely .

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:13

Tinkieswinky - I think both desperate and useless. She's not a professional thief, it's sad but you never know people's self-justification. People rarely think of themselves as to blame.

She will have a narrative along the li es of "Well they had so much money they never missed it, and my poor son has no shoes for school" etc.

I'm not even angry, I'm just very, very sad.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 30/01/2019 22:13

Horrible situation all round. There's absolutely no-one else it could be? Extended family? If you're positive the cleaner is the culprit, sack her and report her to the police. She may be thieving from all her clients.

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2019 22:14

Of course it's the cleaner but difficult to prove, must be horrible after trusting her Op.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:16

Mrsmadeevans. Totally agree. You have to rule out all possible explanations, all possible doubt.

I've explained a number of times about the test today.

I'm probably not even going to say anything, just change the locks, secure the house then get the old keys back, and move on. ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:20

Luckylou, strangely, we have no family, no neighbours or friends with keys. Tiday my husband was in all day. Only the cleaner came into the house between this morning and afternoon for the time during which the money went missing.

Me and dh both have cards to our joint account, so it would be pretty pointless. The kids aren't even that bothered about money, hence the fact that they've been losing it for months and not really bothered. They never need money, they never ask fir it, they never buy anything. You know when you just know. Sad

I'm not even threatening to do anything, but I just want to keep us safe and secure from now on.

OP posts:
Jux · 30/01/2019 22:25

Take down the numbers of the notes that you are leaving out, and film the place. I'm sorry it's happened, people fall on hard times and sometimes it brings out the worst in them - or she may always have been a thief. When you get the proof call the police or would it better to talk to them first and tell them what you're planning?

Good luck with it.

saltymofo · 30/01/2019 22:35

I personally would tell the cleaner you have to let her go and would like her to return the keys, or you will collect them. I wouldn't give a reason just let her go without notice and change the locks if you feel the need. It could have been worse. Put it down to experience. Then next cleaner, make sure money and small valuables are always put away somewhere safe.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:35

To be honest I am very dubious that the police would take any interest at all.

When someone smashed into my parked my car, then raced off leaving it trashed, they couldn't have been less interested. They just told me to fill in a form and that was the end of it.

I'd be surprised if they would even answer a phone call, they'll just tell me to log in online or something, won't they?

To be honest, I just feel sorry for her. She seems like a lovely lady, has been a very good cleaner, and I just think temptation has fallen in her path. The imbalance of wealth in the world is unfair, and I suspect she has just used the opportunity to rectify part if that imbalance.

I don't want anything but to feel safe again. ☹️

OP posts:
SpringForEver · 30/01/2019 22:36

Change the locks, she may have copied the keys.

I had this too, £10, £20 here and there, then Larger amounts, gold bracelet went once, it had been a gift and was special but I had no proof, brand new eyeshadow palette, and more cash. The day I heard my briefcase being opened was the last straw, half my electricity bill money went missing from it, not a small amount. I had forgotten to lock the case and was so tired of having to lock everything away. I had a bunch of keys in my bag to all the drawers and cupboards, she knew I knew but she was a good worker. I just told her not to come in again.

Have done my own cleaning ever since.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:38

Saltymofo. That is what I will probably do.

I know the money has gone and isn't coming back. I know the police won't give a flying f.

I know she isn't going to admit it, and may well get super aggro in order to deny it.

It will be unpleasant and stressful.

I'll just chalk it down as a slightly unorthodox charitable donation.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 22:40

Going to bed now. I just feel very very sad that my faith in human nature has taken a bit of a knock.

But hey ho, it will pass.

OP posts:
greenelephantscarf · 30/01/2019 22:41

Why the palaver of changing locks?

really? really?
because you never know if anyone has made copies.

Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 22:47

Money goes missing in my house all the time OP, it's my dp he uses it to gamble and then will lies through his teeth, he still to this day will never admit he has taken the money.

Justaboy · 30/01/2019 22:49

Do call the police and ask their advice on what to do, this isnt just a motor damage bump its a case of theft they will take notice of that.

See what they say and do bear in mind that she may be or might yet be working for someone else and doing the same thieving activties.

She might have a bit of "form" that you don't know about, but they will so call their non emergency 101 number and do report it.

itswinetime · 30/01/2019 22:50

How can you be sure one of the kids didn't go into your room and take the money?

The cleaner is most likely I agree but I could sneak into me parents room with no probs as a kid and to my great shame I even snuck in took £10 out of my mums purse while she was in the en-suite! (I was young and thought I had to get toxic bf the present she demanded what a idiot I was). But my point is kids can be sneaky and they can need money for all sorts of things. Can you set the test again on a day the cleaner doesn't come? It won't be as conclusive as video evidence but it can't hurt!

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/01/2019 22:53

What @Drogosnextwife said

When my friend's husband was addicted to gambling (or rather, at the height of his addiction) he was stealing from her and gas lighting her to make her think she was forgetful.

You don't think there's any possibility it's your husband (I'm sorry - I know its an awful thought).

BlackCatSleeping · 30/01/2019 22:56

itswinetime, the OP has explained several times now that the kids were not home all day. The only people in the house were her husband and the cleaner.

Hittapotamus · 30/01/2019 22:56

Do call the police because she's likely to be stealing from other clients too and it's them who should notify them not you.

My cleaner stole my favourite black top. I know she did because she did my ironing and I was waiting for it to be ready to wear after she'd been. No where to be seen. She then went on holiday to her home country and we arranged a couple of days after she got back when she'd restart and she didn't show up. I texted in case she was coming a day later (not hugely reliable on days) and got no reply. The next week her house is up for rent. Did a flit with my top and never came back! Fitted perfectly under so many jumpers I'm still gutted Sad