AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

[cloudspotter]

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it.

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

It was hundreds of pounds, stolen from children and their genuinely nice, generous kind mother over the period of months.

That is outright dishonesty and theft not a small, forgivable error in judgement just the one time. If it affects her ability to get further work or remain in the country then there is absolutely not one single person to blame but her.

Good reference, my arse!

It’s a really difficult one and I probably would’ve done the same as you OP and been nice about it but what if she cleans for a vulnerable old person who is really struggling for money and she steals from them?
Or if she steals from any vulnerable person not necessarily just the elderly?
Or if she steals from someone not so understanding and gets herself into a violent situation?

I don’t know the answer really but although contrite now she hasn’t really learnt anything, then again it’s not really your place to ‘teach her a lesson’

It’s a really hard one and selfishly im glad it’s you rather than me!

Nicely handled OP.

Thanks folks. I need to reaffirm that there is no doubt. There was no doubt anyway, even before I confronted her, but I did take on board the possibility that something completely unexplainable might have happened.

As for temptation, most of the money was taken from savings that were hidden away in the girls' rooms, in a safe place or in a purse, not just notes floating around randomly. Saying that it's their fault for leaving Birthday and Christmas present cash in a safe place in their rooms in their own house is a bit harsh. They get a gift in cash, so it would usually be around for at least a week or two, even if they put it in the bank after that.

It was only the last amount of money that had gone missing that was more visible, and even then it was in a bedroom in a tray under other stuff, not sitting there with a "take me" label on.

Also, when I confronted her, she didn't admit it, but it is clear. After I said "It's between you and God" and she started crying, she started saying what a nice family we are and how sorry she is. When I picked up the keys, she kept saying sorry, and thank you. Having said that, to call the police, they would want more evidence than I have got. Kids aren't reliable witnesses, so it would be down to that last £35.

She's not with an agency, so I guess she won't be cleaning for vulnerable people - you wouldn't just get someone off an Internet site like we did. Lesson learned for us.

Perhaps in future I will get a safe, but where does that end? Do we put the computer in there, what about bank records etc. Its not a massive house!

Fair enough, but if you go back and read your OP, it really doesn’t read like the money was kept securely. If the money was put away somewhere safe and out of sight, then that’s fine. You can’t nail everything down. But some people really do leave cash lying around and that’s not a good idea.

It isn't a question of a character reference that you get when applying for a job when it comes to a Home Office residency application.

The referees need to have clear criminal records. At least one needs to be a professional individual. If only one referee is a professional then the other needs to be a passport holder aged at least 25.

What the Home office wants to know about the applicant:
"An EEA national applying for British citizenship will need to meet the following requirements. You must:
–– Be 18 years old or above;
–– Be of sound mind;
–– Intend to continue residing in the UK;
–– Meet the residence requirement:

1. Continuous lawful residence for six years
2. Last 12 months with permanent residence
3. Absences from the UK do not exceed 450 days in the five years
4. Absences do not exceed 90 days in the last 12 months
5. Be present in the UK on the same day five years prior to the date of application

–– Be of good character; and –– Satisfy the knowledge of life and language in the UK requirement."

Good character means in effect that any questions have to be evidenced and documented. Meaning a proven criminal record and not anything that could be classed as opinion or hearsay.

Once the OP has decided to act as a referee she is in effect saying that the applicant is ipso facto of good character, and there is nothing that could be used to dispute this since the OP has decided not to go to the police for various reasons including the existence of a small doubt.

@BlackCatSleeping the kids money was out of sight.She basically rooted around for it.Thats not on.

Victim blaming cause some tealeaf of a cleaner couldnt keep her hands to herself

Don’t provide a character reference for her as she could go on to steal from others. She’s not working for an agency or cleaning company now but that doesn’t mean she won’t.

I’m a cleaner and it sometimes feels like a huge responsibility when you have an elderly, impaired or confused customer with money in the house - I often find myself worrying about my more vulnerable customers being taken advantage of and I know my colleagues feel the same about their customers.

I can see why you don’t want to inform the police but we all have a duty to protect vulnerable people and not providing a reference is your way of doing your bit to protect others.

@dustarr73

In the OP, she said her daughters room was messy so the OP thought she’d lost the money, her daughter thought it had been thrown out by mistake. Money went missing five times. It just paints quite a chaotic picture of the money not really being kept securely.

Now, the OP is saying the money was kept securely and out of sight. Fair enough. My previous comments were based on the OP.

I don’t think it’s victim blaming to suggest the OP reconsiders how money is kept in the house. She is using agency cleaners. Maybe it is a better idea to put valuables in a locked drawer or locked box while the cleaner is there?

@blackcatsleeping

I can see why you're thinking that but it's impossible to explain every detail.

Dd1 has a messy room, dd2 has an immaculate room.

Dd1 is younger and a bit ditzy, bless her, hence it being plausible that the money had been lost or left lying around. I guess I didn't have the confidence in the kids safe keeping - because it had gone missing!! Poor girls, they kept getting told off by me for being "careless" with the money and because they didn't have any other explanation, they just took the blame. They were really sad but it never even occurred to me it might be our trusted cleaner. All I know is the money went into the room and it never came out. As it seemed to have happened once too often, I did a fingertip search with Dd1 (whilst doing a massive declutter, tidy and clean). We cleared it top to bottom and nothing showed up. That was when I realised there was something odd afoot.

It's amazing how the brain works. It takes a lot if evidence to overturn an assumption - like - the cleaner is honest.

I totally understand. It's going to be so hard for you to build trust if you get another cleaner.

I’ve just moved to a new house, it’s too much to keep on top of alone really, but having read this thread, I’m so wary of having anyone in

You have handled this so well, and I feel so sorry for you to have gone through such a loss of faith in human nature.

I have never had a cleaner until very recently because I wouldn’t trust them. I now have someone who seems lovely but I still hide my jewellery and the house keys when she comes in. I think I must be a cynic. Reading this thread has made me feel it just isn’t worth the worry.

I trust my cleaner and don’t hide away money and jewellery. If I felt the need to do that, I wouldn’t have a cleaner