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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 01/02/2019 13:38

The cleaner in my parents' sheltered housing stole from all the residents.
MIL's carer stole all her jewellery.
My dad's carer took thousands out of his bank account. He was blind and trusted her with his PIN to get cash out for him.
We didn't know this.
It is awful how common this is.

HeyLala · 01/02/2019 13:48

A friend of mine had six pairs of very expensive shoes stolen from her. They were taken out of the boxes and it took her ages to work out what was going on as she has so many and wears some of them only on special occasions.
Once she realised, she was devastated not only about the shoes, but about the relationship and trust she thought she had with her cleaner.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2019 14:01

This is awful OP.
Good luck later.
The reference issue could work in your favour here.
Use it if you have to.

supadupapupascupa · 01/02/2019 14:08

Is it possible she knows she has been rumbled and is seeking a reference to get another job? Just a thought....

conflabsters · 01/02/2019 14:13

Wow you're in a tricky position OP.

Justaboy · 01/02/2019 14:19

Non UK national then?, even more reason to get the police involved.

This needs deciding, in my book is she a theif or not if she isn't then fine if she is then why should we have her here putting other possibly more vunarable people at risk of theft?.

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 01/02/2019 14:20

I've read the whole thread. Nightmare. I also had a cleaner steal from me. It's awful.

I recently employed new cleaners and said I have iPad set up to record (presence app) to monitor dogs in kitchen. It's true. It also alerts to people near back door.

I've had no problems since.

I know it doesn't help you, but I think the app is fabulous in our circumstances. Free too.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 01/02/2019 14:24

this is why i don't have a cleaner and close o live in filth of my own making.

It's just so stressful!

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 14:29

She has just been round. I asked her very gently about the money. I explained that it had been there in the morning, I had checked it was there, and that in the afternoon it had gone. I asked if she had seen it at all while tidying up. I said it's not the first time money had gone missing but it was very clear this time.

Only me and her had been in that room. I didn't complicate it by bringing dh into it. I said that there was no explanation.

She denied it, and started looking worried. "Honestly, I would not". She wasn't angry though. I explained that other money had gone missing, and that we never once suspected, that we thought we had been careless. We thought of her as one of the family. But this time, not that it was a test, I knew.

She offered to pay me some money to make it okay. She had £20 with her. I said no. I asked if she had noticed that I hadn't paid her for this week, which was the same amount as the £35 that went missing. I said it wasn't about the money now, it was about the trust. I said if it genuinely wasn't her then I would not want to take any money.

She started crying. It was hard. I stayed kind but firm. I said I won't say any more, I am happy to leave it here and say it is uncertain for me. I said "Only you truly know what happened. If your conscience is clear then you know you are innocent, and I am wrong. It's between you and God, I don't need to know" . (I presumed she believes in God being European, but either way it was a way of explaining the concept)

That she had been a great cleaner and had made a big difference to our lives in the time she had been with us. That we cared about her and about her son and we would not do anything to harm them. That I understand sometimes people make mistakes and we do things in the moment that we regret later. No-one is 100% good or 100% bad. In different situations we could all be tempted. That it was just life.

We will not make things difficult for her with the residency application. But there was no way forward for us, we would have to let her go and she could not be our cleaner any more.

I said I didn't want any money back, but I do want the keys back, and she will drop them off later today.

Phew. I think this settles it in the best way. The money has gone, its not coming back. I've written it off. She can't admit to this, because of the risk to residency application etc.

I do genuinely care for her. She's done wrong, but I think that talk will be a deterrent in future.

OP posts:
DGRossetti · 01/02/2019 14:34

I presumed she believes in God being European

?

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 01/02/2019 14:36

Good for you OP. I think everyone is going to pick up on the faith bit, but it sounds correct in the way you've used it?

caughtinanet · 01/02/2019 14:40

Oh dear, just what you could do without, she must be reallt brazen, offering money does suggest that she is guilty, that wouldn't be the though an innocent person imo.

Roussette · 01/02/2019 14:44

It obviously was her. There is no way she would offer to give you twenty quid if it wasn't! If by a 0.01% chance it wasn't her (and we know it was!), she would be absolutely indignant. If someone accused me of something I didn't do, I would be shouting from the rooftops that it wasn't me..... not offering to make up the money. The £20 says it all.

How difficult for you OP. I bet that was horrible to do.

Drum2018 · 01/02/2019 14:45

I'd still change the locks.

PunkVic · 01/02/2019 14:45

I don't know about the god bit. Not sure what that has to do with anything, and does sound a little odd that she's from Europe so believes in god.

Apart from that I think you handled it very well and sound like a really nice lady :)

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 01/02/2019 14:48

Well done op. You handled it well.

When you're recruiting your next cleaner I would be open about being stolen from in the past. They will then know you are vigilant and know the signs.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 14:52

Oh blimey, the Internet really does have a hair trigger, doesn't it. I meant no offence with the God bit. I was brought up as fairly strictly Christian. I am not now, but it's just part of my moral lexicon.

I'm my experience, countries in Mainland Europe, especially Eastern Europe, tend to be a lot more religious than we are in the UK. Its a more homogenous place. I will do some further research now that it's got my curiosity.

All I meant was that it might sound a bit odd saying "It's between you and God" in modern Britain, that was just a piece of context to the comment.

OP posts:
2ellenor2 · 01/02/2019 14:56

I think you’ve made a mistake in helping her with her residency application. She’s stolen from your kids?

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 14:59

Oh no, I'm not going to help with the residency application. I'm not that soft!

The consequences are there. First the confrontation, albeit fairly delicate.

Then the loss of the job.

Also the loss of any help with residency, and maybe a big scare that it could have been an awful lot worse.

OP posts:
MsOtisRegrets · 01/02/2019 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 01/02/2019 15:06

Here are the stats on religious affiliation. I'm not wrong, Eastern Europe is a lot more religious than the UK. I can see it might sound odd, but it's impossible to rehearse these difficult conversations. I'm not sure why that particular comment popped out of my mouth [cringe] Confused

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us
OP posts:
LittlePearl · 01/02/2019 15:08

I think you handled that brilliantly OP.

Really sorry you've lost your cleaner, and more importantly, lost the sense of trust that we often take for granted.

I hope next time works out better for you, though I guess you will never feel as relaxed letting someone into your home as you did before this happened.

mickeymacca · 01/02/2019 15:09

You are a lovely person OP I think you’ve handled yourself really well

Elletine · 01/02/2019 15:09

OP I just want to say you sound lovely and have handled this with such kindness and dignity.

What a brilliant example to set for your DC!

👏 And 💐 for you

LittlePearl · 01/02/2019 15:09

Personally, I think the comment about God was just fine!

If she has no belief in God it's just a code for 'your conscience', isn't it?