AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

[cloudspotter]

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it.

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

@slappinthebass

I’d do this too. It’s the time for radical. The alternative is to wonder forever. In fact I’d go further. I’d sit the cleaner down and calmly say ‘Sandra, I’m going to ask you a question now, and I want you to think very carefully before you answer it. Before I ask, I’d like to tell you that we consider you a member of the family, and that if you have troubles or problems I like to think we could talk honestly about them, whatever they are. Now, do you have anything you’d like to tell me about when you came to clean on Tuesday? Are you absolutely sure?’ all said with that look clearly implies ‘we had cameras on you, we know everything’. I’d probably go so far as glancing at my phone as I said it.

Her reaction should speak volumes, especially since you know her well.

If she insists on denying it (or is innocent) you have to go with ‘Ok, well you’ve given me a lot to think about. Let’s leave it there for now.’ This lets you off the hook (hey, maybe you were asking if she’d found porn in your ds’s room, or if your dh was smoking a joint, right??) but if she’s guilty she’ll think you’re handing evidence to the police (at least I would).

There’s always a minuscule chance she’ll actually come clean, right there or soon after. Guilt can be a funny thing.

Either way I think you put her off for a couple of weeks, then tell her you’re going in another direction with house-cleaning, etc (and change the locks).

I am determined in life to believe the best of people, but equally I hate to be taken for a fool. Most of all I need to know the truth, however duplicitous and strategic I have to get. Being genuine and trusting doesn’t mean being a doormat.

By the way, I do a quick check around the house on ‘cleaner day’ to make sure cash/jewellery isn’t lying around in view (or within the scope of the cleaning). I often scoop up things dh has left around. It’s just mean to wave cash under someone’s nose, when they’re on a low wage. Even the most moral of us has off days or desperate moments.

It’s like trusting your dh’s fidelity then buying him a lap dance. Why test people’s grip on their shadow side?

If I need to let a cleaner go because of trust issues, I do wait for them to come the next time and ask for their keys back. I then pay them cash on the spot for a couple of weeks wages. I often let them clean first just so its less confronting and then at the end ask for their keys back, pay them and tell them my mother is coming to live with us for a while and I no longer need a cleaner!

If I were you, I would do as someone else suggested and change all the locks before she is next due in, also the alarm code if you have one. Then text or call her to say your circumstances have changed and you don't need her to come to your house any more and ask her to put the keys through the letter-box at her earliest convenience. No explanation or accusation. Perhaps tell the police in case they have had similar reports about her from other people? Though how you/they could warn her current or future clients about this, I don't know.

This is really weird because surely she knows that she is the only possible suspect? Not saying she didn't do it, just saying that it's very stupid on her part

I would not say a word right now. Next time she is due to clean stay at home and when she let's herself in ask for the keys and then tell her she needs to go and she knows why
Don't let her know any suspicion so she can't be prepared ie copy your keys.
It's horrible losing trust but I think you might have a wrong un there. Trust me.

What stopfuckingshouting said

Also tell her it's really upset you. It might just might stop her from doing it to other people.

Good luck

Some of the replies on here are

Berrytowel why should she have sympathy. The cleaner has (most probably) stolen her money. It's a criminal offence, she has been trusted in the ops house. It's more than theft it's theft from a dwelling which if the victim was vulnerable (old/disabled) would most probably carry a custodial sentence.

And the poster who said the didn't like filming people in secret. Nor does anyone usually but I bet if this was you you wouldn't object to trying to catch the person stealing your money.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. It was a neighbour of her elderly uncle who would pop in to check on him. She set up a trap with a camera, and caught it on dim which she then passed onto the police, who did take it seriously and the neighbour was later found guilty in court.

You will not be the only client it is happening to.

*caught her on film

Lots of really useful suggestions here. Thanks to those of you who have actually read what I've put.

It's not dh. It's not the dc. You don't know them, I do. I'm definitely not blind to the fact that your dc can be up to all kinds of stuff behind your back. I did when I was a teen (never stealing money from people though) . I'm sure they do. But their money from birthday and Christmas is what's gone missing until this week. And I have given them merry hell for losing it. They aren't in the slightest bit streetwise. I have seen them cry becayse of having lost the money, and getting told off. They weren't suspicious, they just kept beating themselves up about "how, could they have been so careless?". They weren't in the house at any point during the loss. This was me "testing" just to make absolutely sure. I had no intention of laying a trap either.

I found some money in an envelope that had been given to me ages ago to repay the money for a ticket I had bought for someone. I wasn't sure what to do with it, and I didn't want to waste it by putting it in my purse, just to be frittered away.

So I put it (without envelope) in a "safe" place hidden from view while I decided what to do. I was thinking of giving it to dd, because all her money had gone missing and a fingertip search of her room didn't turn it up last weekend.

It's not dh. We share a bank account and have done for years. He never spends money. He's entitled to spend as much as he wants from our joint account. He never does. He doesn't drink, he doesn't gamble, he doesn't have a secret life of crime and drugs. There's just no reason for him to take money when he has free access to it whenever he wants. Plus if he needed cash he would just have told me. 😂

The reason I am so sad is that it crossed my mind as I left the money there, will it be there. It wasn't a conscious thought, it was a tiny thing that flashed through my mind almost unawares. And I dismissed it, but I really did want to save that money for something special. It was a windfall that I wanted to hold in to and use for a purpose.

So I thought I'll still leave it there. I trust the cleaner, I know it will be there when I get home.

Then it wasn't. And I asked dh and the dc if they had seen it, moved it. Dh has seen it and his thoughts were the sake as mine - "what if..." because money has gone missing from both dc on a few occasions now.

I still find myself in denial but it's too hard to find another explanation.

I'm sad. The cleaner is one of the family. We've always been v generous. We paid double at Christmas plus gifts, freebies, all the time. This could be interpreted as being loaded. We're not loaded. We both work in professional full time jobs. We share one modest car. We have old clothes. Our towels are threadbare. We're not skint either. We don't have a show home. We're 100% ordinary, average. Our house is messy, we are busy. When you don't suspect, you don't notice. Little things go missing, you think it's lost/misplaced.

Bless you @cloudspotter

I hope it all works out as well as it can

This is really weird because surely she knows that she is the only possible suspect? Not saying she didn't do it, just saying that it's very stupid on her part
I guess to know that most people will think and behave the the OP and she will get away with it because of this

Hugs OP. Sadly, of course it's the cleaner (or the octopus that a previous poster mentioned).

Poor you, OP. It's a horrible feeling when someone lets you down like this especially when you have what I would call, a personal relationship with them.

It feels like betrayal. It happened to me with someone I gave some work to. They took a lot of money from me. I trusted them. We had a good relationship (I thought) yet they lied and stole from me ... (they forged documents etc). Apart from the money (which we fought to get back - it took nearly three years) it was more the fact that now I felt my judgement was shit. I liked this person, I trusted them and they weren't who I thought they were. That was hard to come to terms with.

Also, it was the balance of inequality as to why it happened to us. In her eyes we were probably 'rich'. We were very generous but that obviously wasn't enough.

OP, I feel for you. A horrible situation.

As nice as she has been if you are convinced she is stealing you need to tell her agency if she is with one? ( May have missed this bit) I would talk to her and then let her go she could or be or is already doing this with others. It might make her realise and stop doing it!

In light if your last update, can you just very matter of fact ask her where she put it as you know she will have moved it to somewhere safe

If she's stealing from op, she's probably stealing from other clients as well, some of whom may be elderly or disabled. Not everyone who has a cleaner is loaded.

I know it seems too blatant, but I think there's a false sense of security that so much has, already been lifted without us noticing.

The thing is we have noticed, but we just never suspected the cleaner. Not really. It was obvious that we should have now, but we were very trusting and blamed ourselves for somehow having misplaced it.

can you just very matter of fact ask her where she put it as you know she will have moved it to somewhere safe

I like this idea

It's a good start imo

I am really sorry to pick holes, and I do actually believe you, but just for the avoidance of doubt...
And I asked dh and the dc if they had seen it, moved it.
So the DC were home when you got home? So they had the opportunity?

I had a member of my family stealing money when he was a very naive and sweet 13-year-old. I would NEVER have said that he would have done it, and he even said that his own money was going missing in order to cover his tracks. (He never did it again btw, and has grown up lovely.) I know that you know your DC better than we do, but honestly, if there was any chance at all, any opportunity, that it could be one of them, hold back.

I can’t believe some are suggesting OP pays the thieving cleaner a week or more’s wages when sacking her! She is clearly getting more daring, as she’s realised no one has been noticing the bits of money going missing here and there. Change the locks and alarm code, if she knows it, in case she’s already made a copy of the keys (although why would she, when she already has access with them). Or, when she next comes, straight away ask her for the keys and tell her you’ll be calling the police to report theft, and see how she reacts. I would report it, as others have said, it will at least be on file if she does it again. And tell the company you found her through.

I agree there can’t be any other explanation, everyone in the household has had money go missing, the dc and dh wouldn’t steal their own money, would they? Unless it’s a house full of thieves, all stealing from each other

OP, have you checked it’s not just money gone missing? Jewellery box for example?

cloudspotter - we had the same thing happen - with things not money - it started out small, things that I just assumed I'd put somewhere else - new moisturiser, a fidget spinner I'd bought for one of the kids, then, one day my ipad went missing - I searched the house from top to bottom, and discovered all sorts of other missing things, checked the wifi, and the ipad left the house the same time the cleaner did.

It's horrible being robbed, and I'm having trouble with the idea of trusting someone coming in the house again. I can see why other people are saying you need evidence, but I just couldn't let that person back in, once I knew they'd been stealing.

Is it possible anyone else inthe house could have taken the money? I'd have a Nanny cam or wireless security cam from now on. Change locks in case she has copies or it is an associate who is stealing from you.

You need to catch video evidence because this sounds very strange. It's far too obvious, plus she'sd lose her job

My friend's DH kept losing money at one time. Didn't think much of it except that he was "careless". Then they heard noise at night once; after a lengthy comedy of police not finding a man who was still in their garden and falling in a pond... they saw a shadow climbing over the wall after police had left. It was clear to them that someone had tried to break in very carefully without disturbing anything. Talking to neighbours, it then transpired that many people had lost bits and pieces. Someone set up a camera and found a guy was slipping the back door lock in the middle of the night, taking notes from his wallet and RE-LOCKING the door on his way out! Presumably then nipping to the next house to do the same. Police caught him eventually, but it was all quite crazy, it would have made me feel very unsettled.

Anyway, sorry somebody's stealing from you, it's horrid. Hope you sort it out. It probably is the cleaner. Or one of your kids is being bullied at school for money. Or someone is breaking in. But most likely the cleaner.