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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 22:57

Yup that's why do does it, he had a terrible gambling problem a while ago. Its not ad bad now but he still does it when money if left lying around, without fail.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/01/2019 22:59

It seems too blatant though. You’ve got to ask her if she moved an envelope from your dresser. But as you don’t trust her, (maybe with good reason) better to let her go as well.

Pinotwoman82 · 30/01/2019 23:06

Change the locks

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 23:08

Drogosnextwife Flowers sorry to hear about your dh. Addictions are terrible, toxic, uncontrollable urges that make people despicable in the search of their fix.

We've had joint money for over twenty years and he's never been a spender. If anything it's me that is the spendthrift, not that I'm deceitful at all. This has only started happening recently. I do take on board that it could be anyone. It's definitely this. Now I know, I know.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/01/2019 23:11

I'd fire her, take the keys and change the locks.

You don't know why she is stealing - it could be poverty or lack of any sense of meum and teum or it could be drugs or anything. you have no idea of her situation or who has a copy of your keys. I'd err on the side of caution.

I wouldn't call the police (and where I am the police would investigate and treat it seriously).

I'd feel sad too, OP. I trust my cleaner as much as I trust my best friend.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 23:12

Herroyalnotness, it wasn't that blatant. I left it underneath some stuff, not on display. It wasn't in an envelope, it was hidden under some other stuff, in one of those places you put "miscellaneous bits and bobs"

I love our cleaner, she seems so nice. I would have come up with any other possible explanations action rather than this. I really really don't want this to be true, but I can't deny it any longer, it is. Sad

OP posts:
slappinthebass · 30/01/2019 23:15

If she is as lovely and desperate as you expect, maybe you could have an open discussion with her. Tell her you know everything and offer her more hours. Totally radical I know, but maybe it could work.

Mummymummums · 30/01/2019 23:19

OP, you really should report this. She could clean for someone vulnerable next. I know people who employ cleaners for elderly parents. I did that myself for my late DM, although in my case it was someone I knew and trusted. I'd be devastated if anyone had stolen from my DM.
Please don't leave this without reporting. I agree with PP about a final test with camera.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/01/2019 23:34

I personally would tell the cleaner you have to let her go and would like her to return the keys, or you will collect them. I wouldn't give a reason just let her go without notice

Alternatively, when she asks what the reason is, you could always just tell her that you're trying to rationalise your budget - you've decided that you all have to do it as money just seems to keep disappearing and you never know where it's actually going. The kids especially never seem to be able to hang on to their money, so you've agreed to all start being more careful as a family.

If you don't want to make it a police matter, doing that would surely be the ideal solution, no?

If it isn't her, you've not accused her of anything and she'll assume you mean 'disappearing' as in not keeping track of where you keep spending it frivolously. She'll be disappointed to lose you as a client, but no hard feelings.

If it is her, you've still not accused her of anything, but she'll know exactly why your money keeps quite literally disappearing. The constant thinking "Does she already know what I've been up to, will she realise, will she tell other people I know/work for, will she go to the police?" along with the knowledge that her dishonesty has cost her a steady income will probably be punishment enough.

Sparklfairy · 30/01/2019 23:42

I just don't understand how people can do this. I'm a cleaner, and no matter what I find, or how much, it gets put on the nearest surface and I'll tell the owner. I found someone's engagement ring that had been missing for years, and an iphone that the owners thought had been stolen by the removal men (it had slipped under the fridge). Sorry this is happening to you OP Flowers

RomanyRoots · 30/01/2019 23:43

This happened to a friend of mine, it was the teenage son, to keep up with his mates and he'd started smoking.
Luckily she worked it out before she fired the baby sitter, she didn't have a cleaner Grin
Be very sure, I know nobody likes to think their dc could be deceitful, but it does happen.
Not saying it's happening here, I don't know you, your dh, or your ds, but be very careful.

creamcheeseandlox · 30/01/2019 23:49

Without any sort of hard proof I.e cctv the police will take a report but probably wouldn't investigate it as she will
Deny it and then it's your word against hers. I would confront her and call her bluff by saying the money has gone missing in the days your were there etc. And I will be expecting it back Ito this account blah blah. if you are going to sack her anyway you haven't got anything (more) to loose.

RomanyRoots · 30/01/2019 23:50

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight.

Herroyalnotness, it wasn't that blatant. I left it underneath some stuff, not on display. It wasn't in an envelope, it was hidden under some other stuff, in one of those places you put "miscellaneous bits and bobs"

Envelope or not?

itswinetime · 31/01/2019 00:16

I would still leave money somewhere on a day the cleaner wasn't in. Final piece of mind and all.

jimmyhill · 31/01/2019 00:17

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight.

The cash was in the envelope, she left the cash out (not in the envelope any more)

Not sure there's a hole where you're trying to pick one

TheLostTargaryen · 31/01/2019 00:25

I'm afraid I would have to leave another "trap" with a camera this time. Just make sure it's less money than her wages for that day because no way in hell would she be stealing more than she's due paid from me.
You absolutely cannot let this go. She is a cleaner by trade and may very well be fleecing lots of other families. At least if you report her to the police with video evidence it may give her other clients a chance to protect themselves.
It is a shame if someone is struggling for money but as you say, this has been going on for months. It's not a sudden emergency she's needing cash for. She is living off crime. If i ran out of cash I can't just walk into ASDA and take some free shopping home. I can't plug an extension cable into next door's garden socket so I get free leccy. We have to either change our lifestyle according to our income or change our income to accommodate our lifestyle. And not through theft!

RCohle · 31/01/2019 00:33

The OP is wildly unlikely to get any of this money back though. So faffing about setting loads more traps is just throwing good money after bad. It's pretty obviously the cleaner and even if it isn't, it's clear you've lost trust in her.

llangennith · 31/01/2019 00:42

I wouldn't bother with police or another trap but just change the locks and give her a week's paid notice. ie you pay her but never have her in the house again.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/01/2019 04:19

It could have been an octopus, OP.

They sometimes escape from zoos and crawl in through tiny cracks in the window frame and steal money.

Or it could have been the cleaner. It's hard to tell.

On MN it's probably better to lean towards the octopus theory.

Anyway, I agree you are going to have to fire her.

You can either do it face to face when she next comes and take the key off her.

Or just text her and change the locks.

I would absolutely tell her the reason why, and there's no way I'd be paying her a week in lieu of notice.

ItsHardToExplain · 31/01/2019 04:59

OP, you really should report this. She could clean for someone vulnerable next. I know people who employ cleaners for elderly parents. I did that myself for my late DM, although in my case it was someone I knew and trusted. I'd be devastated if anyone had stolen from my DM.
^ this.
Also if I ‘lost’ the amount of money you have it would mess my budget up for about 6 months it’s a huge amount of money to me.

BerryTowel · 31/01/2019 05:33

Yes, change the locks. Don't call the police. Have empathy (stealing from the relatively rich, and all that!)

BeardedMum · 31/01/2019 05:43

I really disagree with filming people in secret.

I would sack her and change the locks. I don’t think I would report, but good point she could be steeling from someone vulnerable next time.

Patr1ckJane · 31/01/2019 05:47

I love how on MN everyone is sooooo distrustful of their own kids and husband that despite the OP explaining it can’t have been the kids and her husband doesn’t have motive it must be them.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/01/2019 05:48

I wouldn't set a trap as I wouldn't have her back in three house. Log it with the police they may question her, she might not admit it but she won't steal on her next client in fear of getting questioned twice.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/01/2019 05:50

But having to Spend money on a camera costs more Money !

Just say
I am afraid that a lot of money has gone missing . To test it we
Left out £35 yesterday and even that went

I have no option than to let you go . Please return keys immediately

I would go to police as it’s so hard to prove it and could be fruitless waste of energy

But that’s me !