To find the phrase "pregnancy isn't a disability" irritating

[Seline]

Disclaimer: I'm sleep deprived so could be being sensitive.

I keep seeing and hearing this every time someone pregnant complains about how hard it is. Recently saw it commented on an article about a pregnant woman in a hospital waiting room who had to sit on the floor because no one offered her a seat. Apparently as she's only pregnant and presumably chose to be so, this is fine.

AIBU to find this irritating? Plenty of people have complicated or high risk pregnancies. You don't know by looking who has preeclampsia, or a weak cervix, who's got an IVF baby, who's had multiple miscarriages, who's got severe backpain, who has an autoimmune disease, I could go on. There are so many reasons someone might find pregnancy a more difficult time than the standard textbook experience yet I see so much venom directed at pregnant women.

It's not me is it, the phrase is ridiculous?

It's the bit of unspoken "reasoning" that follows it that is the problem - pregnancy is not an illness/disability... so that means you should be able to do everything you did when you weren't pregnant and not feel any worse. I mean even in a totally standard, easy pregnancy you still get really tired. That's like a normal effect of pregnancy

Congrats to @toomuchtooold for the most sensible and realistic reply on this thread.

As a PP also said, it’s minor adjustments that help a woman in pregnancy. Compared to some others on here I’m having it easy but my GOD the exhaustion is real real real and someone giving up a seat as they’ve clocked you have a Baby on Board badge has been truly welcomed by me in this pregnancy.

What I DO seriously get pissed off at is weirdly overinvested colleagues treating me like I’m made of glass - encouraging me not to leave the building in case I slip on the ice.

It’s 6° where I am today and city centre. It’s not Siberia

Batteries I agree except it depends on culture, some cultures value children. Britain however hates children and to some extent women.

None of this can be understood without the historical and social context surrounding both pregnancy and medical problems specific to the femal reproductive system.

Historically women were perceived as delicate, more vulnerable creatures who had to be protected from themselves. If you were rich your pregnancy was considered a precarious and delicate time regardless of your actual symptoms. If you were poor you had to get on with it again regardless of the symptoms.

Part of the women’s lib movement was a push back on the idea that women are inherently delicate, vulnerable and weaker than men. Hence the claims that pregnancy is not a disability or a medical condition. Of course this is an exaggerated response, which over corrects.

The reality is that pregnancy is many things to many people. For some people it involves pain, disability, stress, etc. For others it does not. For some people it has short or long term adverse effects, including pain and disability, for others it does not.

Nothing positive can be gained by comparing miseries. A pregnant person who needs a seat just needs a seat, she s not saying she needs a seat more than someone else who also needs a seat. In almost all cases there are people who do not need a seat who could give it up and it is very rare for the interests of people with multiple needs to conflict directly.

Britain however hates children and to some extent women

Blimey @Seline that’s pretty harsh! I’m not totally disagreeing with you but what’s the basis of that statement?

And this is coming from someone who’s in London, apparently the Death Star of manners and compassion

Birth should be accompanied not by a woman shouting "push", but a doctor and anaesthetist.

No fucking way. I didn’t need surgery. Why would I put myself through surgery I didn’t need? Why would I want serious pain relief that I didn’t need?

My third baby (vaginal) I was fine the next day. My friends third c section she was in hospital for four days. Bizarre to suggest that I ‘should’ have had that experience.

My opinion that people shouldn't take the piss because it's damaging for those who genuinely need support is oppressive?

OK.

Seline I totally agree. I have travelled extensively all over the world with and without children, pregnant and not pregnant. As have many of my friends. Babies, children and pregnant women seem to hold a much more important status in many other cultures and societies.

I have worked with several women who have used pregnancy as an excuse not to do things and even to get free days off work; calling in sick citing pregnancy reasons, as they know it won't be counted against them in capability and attendance proceedings. This makes me incredibly angry as I am physically disabled, my issues will never go away, they will only get worse, and every absence from work was counted against me, almost to the point of dismissal.

I know not all pregnant women behave in this way, but those who do are the ones who stand out in the mind.

Paul it's a bit blunt but I'll explain. I'm Irish Catholic and back home, the way families are viewed are completely different. People stop in the street and talk to your kids, people hold doors for you, help you with your pram, they'll stop and help with your kids if ones kicking off. This is because family is seen as important and children are considered wonderful, and people make an effort to support people, even strangers. My Italian friend states it's similar in Italy.

Contrast that to Britain where people tut at a child being loud, don't give their seats, and think children should be seen and not heard.

I'm not saying Ireland and Catholicism in general has the perfect view of women and family (There's a whole host of issues involved there) but there are certainly cultural differences between countries that place an emphasis on large families and those who don't.

I have worked with several women who have used pregnancy as an excuse
Have they told you it's an excuse?

You know what, I wondered if you were actually Italian but you make a very very clear point.

However I have to say that ayes, Britain lags behind those countries in social compassion having lived in Netherlands and Denmark I found the attitude even harder than here!

I agree with you though - to some extent.

It shouldn't have to be a disablity for people to treat you with a little bit of extra kindness and consideration. As an able bodied person, I would be hugely embarrassed to be sitting down when a pregnant woman was standing. People always offered me a seat on a bus when I was obviously pregnant. It's just good manners.

Steelriver how on earth could you possibly know that their reasons were not genuine? Really sounds like a race to the bottom. It is possible for two people to suffer without having to compare their suffering to your own or another persons. Everything is relative.

Just seen the comments about other countries and want to add that it was not in britain that people always offered me a seat on a bus!

Paul yes I can imagine some countries are worse. I'm curious on how the states view it as they're very individualistic but also socially conservative with views on women so that would be an interesting one.

My friends from the states who have moved here, say it’s even tougher there.

53rdWay In my view "what's best for the women is what's best for the baby" and when the ideal is not possible, then the "least damage option" should be used. I'd still say that even though dragging out the baby for forcepts out of drugged up woman may not be ideal, it's far better than letting her scream in agony, doing it naturally, for 2 days.

minglemoo
I had a Caesarian and it was difficult. The first thing I said to a midwife was that I was glad. She was shocked. It's like if you make life easier for yourself as a woman it's shameful
This is precisely my problem with midwives and why I see them as not helping but as a shaming profession (with some exceptions), a relic from the past (and in the past it is the dirty hands of midwives cost women lives casing deaths from infection, post-birth). If they can't operate, can't give pain relief then what's the point of them hanging around and obstructing help from doctors?

lifetothefull
It shouldn't have to be a disablity for people to treat you with a little bit of extra kindness and consideration

Totally agree. I love making life easier for myself and am always grateful to anyone who does it for me (like holding a door so it doesn't fly in my face or moving aside to let me pass), so I can easily imagine that others would equally appreciate such small gestures from me.

From my experience, the expression is used in two situations:

• When someone offers to help a pregnant woman with something she feels she is most capable of doing herself (e.g. "I'm only pregnant you know, I'm not disabled!")

OR, more commonly...

• From frustrated work colleagues who have to put up with the baby-bore who literally refuses to do virtually anything the moment they find out they're pregnant.

Yy to the baby bores!!!

Second only to people giving opinions on topics they have fuck all experience of themselves

In my view "what's best for the women is what's best for the baby"

Not always true, though. I didn’t have pain relief because it was ‘best for the baby’, I had it because my pain mattered too and I was happy with the (very low) risks to me and the baby compared to the benefits of not being in howling pain.

I appreciate that from the outside it may seem like there’s two options: you either Do It Medically, with as much science and medical intervention as you can throw in there, or you Do It Naturally and scream in agony for days while nobody does anything to help you. So forceps must be better because it’s more medical, more sciencey, and someone’s actively doing something. But that isn’t how it actually works in practice, nor should it be. Forceps for example aren’t used for the hell of it, and for very good reason. Likewise I’m very glad c-sections exist and I don’t regret having one, but it was absolutely not the easy option just because lots of people in white coats were present!

Use their pregnancy as a weapon by playing the "disabled" card.

Some disabled people use their disability as an excuse to behave like a twat too. I’ve experienced it regularly. Wanting someone to go above and beyond what’s expected, when it’s not my fault they’re in that situation. One guy in particular, trashes all of the disability aids he’s had free of charge, he’s destroyed his taxpayer funded flat, then expects everyone to go and put everything right, again, free of charge and speaks to everyone like shit and they owe him something because of his disability.

Funny how when someone loses the use of their legs or they’re in agonising, debilitating pain they expect some compassion 🙄
If someone is deserving of our help or sympathy, even just a chair to sit on surely as human beings we can manage this with very little effort.

BloodyDisgrace midwives obstructed the consultants plan I had in place and as a result my daughter was starved of oxygen and nearly died, and I was bleeding to death and it was only my husband who noticed and shouted for help as to why we survived.

The doctors on the other hand were excellent.

the baby-bore who literally refuses to do virtually anything the moment they find out they're pregnant.

Again, I've never come across anyone remotely like this.

I mean, I'm sure they exist, but I expect they're very much in the minority. I see many more people like Anon mentions who push themselves harder than they probably should in pregnancy.

Probably to avoid being labelled a lazy 'babybore'

and in the past it is the dirty hands of midwives cost women lives casing deaths from infection, post-birth

No, this is not true. No doubt it happened in some cases but when deaths due to puerperal fever went shooting up on a national level - and they did, in lots of Western countries - it was due to doctors in the early maternity hospitals. (Mechanics of infection were poorly understood and doctors who frequently examined/dissected corpses were more likely to transmit dangerous infection than midwives, who weren’t touching corpses.)

The doctor who did the most to discover that link and try to get doctors to wash their hands to stop it was Semmelweiss, working in 19thC Vienna. He spotted the connection because the doctor-run wards in his hospital had puerperal fever rates 3 times higher than the midwife-run wards. So he promoted handwashing and got the rates down massively - but he faced massive amounts of resistance to it, lost his job, and eventually ended up dying in a lunatic asylum from the stress.