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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the phrase "pregnancy isn't a disability" irritating

199 replies

Seline · 30/01/2019 03:52

Disclaimer: I'm sleep deprived so could be being sensitive.

I keep seeing and hearing this every time someone pregnant complains about how hard it is. Recently saw it commented on an article about a pregnant woman in a hospital waiting room who had to sit on the floor because no one offered her a seat. Apparently as she's only pregnant and presumably chose to be so, this is fine.

AIBU to find this irritating? Plenty of people have complicated or high risk pregnancies. You don't know by looking who has preeclampsia, or a weak cervix, who's got an IVF baby, who's had multiple miscarriages, who's got severe backpain, who has an autoimmune disease, I could go on. There are so many reasons someone might find pregnancy a more difficult time than the standard textbook experience yet I see so much venom directed at pregnant women.

It's not me is it, the phrase is ridiculous?

OP posts:
Ivegotthree · 30/01/2019 06:22

As a mother of a disabled child plus two more I would say pregnancy is very definitely not a disability.

And I had a couple of pretty complicated pregnancies. Plus one ok one.

Original poster
Seline · 30/01/2019 06:28

It isn't a disability but it can temporarily disable someone

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 30/01/2019 06:37

You might not be well for a few of months but it certainly isn’t a disability.
I wasn’t particularly well during pregnancy but again I said this phrase.
It is a normal physiological process and isn’t an illness.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/01/2019 06:39

People who come out with ,"pregnancy isn't a disability," in the context of a pregnant woman wanting a seat do tend to be nasty fuckers

CruiseSpeed · 30/01/2019 06:42

Well being pregnant isn't the same as being ill or having a disability, no (though pregnancy can cause this in some women).
But being pregnant isn't the same as not being pregnant, and it's ok to expect some consideration of that.

Mumlovestoast · 30/01/2019 06:49

I didn’t hear much of that, although I’m guessing the majority of my colleagues probably used it over and over again (I’m the only woman on the team). I was suspended on full pay on H&S grounds for my entire pregnancy, thank God, as I was so high risk. In all honesty though even with a low risk pregnancy I couldn’t do my job anyway. I was carrying twins, had HG, SPD and at one point needed a wheelchair (still struggling to walk now and DTs are 17 weeks) hiatus hernia, diabetes and anemia. Aside from high blood pressure, I had pretty much everything wrong with me. If some arsehole dared to suggest I was fine to carry on as normal I’m pretty sure DH would have knocked them out on my behalf.
For me personally, it was a disability, still is at the moment and there’s a possibility I’ll never be able to do my job again due the the damage from pregnancy.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 30/01/2019 06:52

'Or I suppose people say it when they see someone using pregnancy as an excuse'

They say it when they THINK someone is using it as an excuse. Often they are wrong.
There were times during my pregnancies when I couldn't walk more than a few steps without throwing up. Naturally I tried to avoid throwing up because it was better if I kept some water down. But I looked fine and a bit of sickness is normal don't you know, you just have to get on with it, pregnancy isn't an illness...

TakeMe2Insanity · 30/01/2019 06:56

I totally agree.

I think the bid for equality has gone in another direction.

Original poster
Seline · 30/01/2019 07:06

I was constantly bleeding in my pregnancy. I had someone get really offended when I asked for a seat on a train. They gave it me but were vocally annoyed about it and said "oh. I didn't even realise you were pregnant." in a way that implied they didn't think I was far enough to need a seat.

This was about a month before my waters broke prematurely...

OP posts:
ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 30/01/2019 07:07

I ended up with a life threatening condition while pregnant. Luckily I was ok but still struggling day to day.

I remember my DHs work friend had been pestering us to go to dinner so DH said sorry, Clem isn't feeling up to it.

I got a rant about how I'm pregnant, not ill, get a grip etc.

Yeah I'm sure that would be fine for you being able to breathe automatically and not have to bloody force it Angry rant over.

spudlet7 · 30/01/2019 07:18

Agree. Pregnancy is hard. Even a normal, 'easy' pregnancy is hard - you still likely have some combination of morning sickness, backache, swollen ankles, piles, and all the rest of it to contend with. The fact that it's (usually) a choice is irrelevant really. Why does someone have to be forced into something for people to be nice to them?! Also, if women (and their partners by the way) didn't choose to get pregnant, the human race would die out. It's hardly the same as most other choices is it?

Mammyofasuperbaby · 30/01/2019 07:22

Yanbu
For me pregnancy has left me in constant pain and has damaged my mental health so much I can't face work at the moment.
First it was the crippling nausea, then SPD and then I got sudden onset pre eclampsia at 32 weeks and was told I was dieing so ended up with emcs and a severely iugr little boy who only weighed 2lb 14oz.
All of this has left me with permanent hip injurys and ptsd.
Don't get me wrong, my son is my world but I think people have forgotten that pregnancy is the most dangerous time n a womans life

swingofthings · 30/01/2019 07:23

Of course pregnancy is not a disabity. It slows you down, make things, harder to do, but on its own, it doesn't make you disabled. You might however have a complication with it that might make you disabled.

What next? The menopause considered a disability?

TheBigBangRocks · 30/01/2019 07:26

I've only heard and used the phrase in the context of pregnant women who, once pregnant, suddenly become unable to work, wash up, make a cup of tea

The ^^ usually the same ones moaning that their husband isn't treating them like a princess whilst on FB detailing every moment of their pregnancy,

anniehm · 30/01/2019 07:27

You are not wrong exactly, and certainly offering a seat is the right thing to do but it's also a fact that having a baby is a choice and not the same as a medical condition so at work etc whilst they may offer adaptations, you cannot expect your colleagues to be delighted to increase their workloads to cover for you. Also remember plenty of disabilities are hidden, perhaps that's the reason they didn't give up their seat???

There's a difference between being polite and expectation of special treatment.

MrsBrianWarner · 30/01/2019 07:28

My son is disabled so no i dont agree its a disability. Ffs.

I just zone out when the tiredness/piles/sickness etc stuff gets raised. I couldn't be less interested to be honest. Just get on with it. If youre unwell, whine at a medical professional or the father of your child about it.

Cokezeroisyummy · 30/01/2019 07:33

The phase that annoyed me more was upon telling someone your pregnancy was hard they say 'well it all worked out in the end'!! Really annoys me to have the months of pain and complications dismissed like that! For anyone suffering from PGP, I still had it quite bad for months even after I had the baby, I went to see an ostopath who sorted me out, he did really deep massages on me, it was really sore but really worth it, as I'm fine now.

Cookit · 30/01/2019 07:34

I feel like surely it’s not the pregnancy acting as a sudden disability but whatever it is (pregnancy related) that is causing you the pain or severe discomfort. So no it’s not a temporary disability but SPD is, or the cholestasis is or the HG is... or whatever related complication you have. Just the pregnancy itself wouldn’t mean you need any kind of special treatment.

Seline · 30/01/2019 07:35

This reply has been deleted

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spudlet7 · 30/01/2019 07:39

I don't think anyone is saying that pregnancy IS a disability, more that when people say it isn't, what they're really saying is that a pregnant woman doesn't need or deserve any special treatment. Of course nobody considers it an actual disability.

MrsBrianWarner · 30/01/2019 07:40

I dont have the need to bore on about it, so no not really thanks.

Original poster
Seline · 30/01/2019 07:41

spudlet exactly.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/01/2019 07:50

I'm Shock and Hmm at some comments.

It can be a temporary disability like a broken leg or back pain.

Having low blood pressure and with the sickness I found it hard to stand for long in the first months. I had to leave a full bus at some point so I wouldn't faint.

There are degrees of disability as well and anyone has a right to moan. It's not a competition.

It's like a friend saying "be proud of your new BSc with your mum and dad, as I have a PhD".

Having said that, I think that pregnant women, etc should ask for seats if they need them and not just wait for people to notice them.

ilmmaiss · 30/01/2019 07:57

The thing is though, if you suffered all the symptoms of a difficult pregnancy but without having the baby in your belly, you probably would be classed as disabled so I don't see why you shouldn't get small privileges that make your life a lot easier for the short amount of time you need them. It's not like people carry on wanting to take people's seats off them once the baby is born.

Anon10 · 30/01/2019 08:00

I heard this during both my pregnancies constantly, particularly from my sister, who does have a disability. I found it really hard as I had various physical (and psychological) problems in pregnancy and found it exhausting and upsetting to have the problems minimised. The phrase was brought up, if I even mentioned not getting a seat on a train, having to park miles away from hospital and walk there alone with walking aids due to SPD etc etc. I may not have literally been disabled but I felt as though I was.
I just ended up keeping my complaints to myself and internalising them. Which I’m sure is the intention of people who make comments like that. Basically, trying to silence women at a time when they need support and help. I think it’s quite misogynistic actually.