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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
JaneHare · 29/01/2019 23:52

God some of you are melodramatic! All this talk of throwing yourself or your DH in front of a bus/train/bullet to prove your devotion to your kids Grin

I love DH and DD equally and loved my mum just as much when she was alive. Didn't feel the need to imagine who I'd save or who I'd sacrifice.

Zoflorabore · 29/01/2019 23:52

My kids. Every single time. I would die for them in a heartbeat.
They are my blood and I gave birth to them.

To compare that to my partner or any partner is incomprehensible to me.

I know plenty of people who clearly favour their partner over their dc and it makes me sick.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/01/2019 23:53

Dc

I love dh but my love for dc is unconditional and above all other love.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 29/01/2019 23:53

I remember that first moment she was put on my belly. And I just knew she was every bit of love ever written about and sung about, and I'd die for her.

Nearly DID literally die for the second one. FFS 😂

Unused to wonder if I loved one more than the other. I worked out eventually that it's ok to sometimes love someone but not like them very much. So, sometimes, I might just not like one of them so much. It's because of behaviours and troubles etc. But I always love them. I always hugs and hold them and tell them I love them. I'll be that mum still doing to them in front of their in-laws one day.

icannotremember · 29/01/2019 23:54

I have a young DD and I definitely feel like my mum would choose her over me if it came down to it
My parents would definitely choose my dc over me and I love them more for it :)

RagingWhoreBag · 30/01/2019 00:06

I love them differently. It’s not a ranking system.

I love my DCs in a protective nurturing way, I’ve grown them in my body and fed them with it too. I’ve been there every day of their lives so of course the love I have for them is deep and strong.

My DP I’ve known for a few years, we’ve had ups and downs, he drives me bonkers sometimes, but when we’re not together I crave him. I want to crawl inside his skin and live there, I literally can’t get close enough to him. I love the smell of him, he makes me weak at the knees when he looks at me and we are best friends.

My job as a mum is to enable my DCs to live without me, so maybe I keep a little bit of space there for that reason? I don’t know.

I know that I could live without my DP but I would be looking to recreate what I have with him for the rest of my life. If - God forbid - I ever lost one of my DCs I know I’d never get over it and I’d never be able to fill that gap.

It’s a totally different relationship.

Sassenach85 · 30/01/2019 00:11

I'm not judging OP but I do admit I find this a strange question. Even before my DD I would have known that when you have your own child they surpass all else.... and it's true. I don't think I would ever imagine my DH being more important than a child.

Some of the comments are a bit dramatic but that's because having a child is dramatic! It's a love that you only unlock once you become a mother or father. There's no one or nothing I wouldn't face for her. Without a seconds thought. Lions, bullets, cars, anything.

I wonder how much scientists would argue that there's an inbuilt and less love related reason, in that we are programmed to ensure the survival of our offspring?

The pp who said their co worker made a comment about like you can just have more kids, actual makes me feel ill. What a warped way to think.

JaneHare · 30/01/2019 00:12

This is getting too OTT for me. I'm off the the Archers thread for some sanity Grin

User12879923378 · 30/01/2019 00:14

I love my husband very much and he me. We are definitely each other's It. We both wanted children very badly. She is our shared love and hope and dream and we would both do anything to keep her alive and safe. It isn't about loving her more exactly although I suppose if you measure it by who you would save first then yes we both do. And we both want it that way and wouldn't want to be put first at her expense.

For me having a baby was a bit like suddenly finding a new door in the house and throwing it open and finding lots of lovely new rooms that I never knew about before.

Ribbonsonabox · 30/01/2019 00:19

Well it's not comparable is it?
Totally different types of love. The responsibility I have towards my children is absolute. No matter who or how they are as children i cannot turn my back on them.
The love i have for my DH is not tied up with responsibility... there are things that he could do that would cause me to turn my back on him.
I need them all in different ways... but my primary duty is to my children... and his primary duty is to the children... so if it were a direct contest the children would have to win... and I dont think theres any way my DH and I could love one another if either of us thought that that wasnt the case

MarthasGinYard · 30/01/2019 00:19

I watched a doc once about a couple who claimed they loved each other more than their dc

It was really sad

PickAChew · 30/01/2019 00:22

It's a different type of love. Come the zombie apocalypse, he helps me to fight their corner or else he's dead weight, though, since keeping them safe is my job and he can shift for himself.

PickAChew · 30/01/2019 00:24

I can't just have more kids. I'm nearly 50, ffs!

Schmoobarb · 30/01/2019 00:27

What @JaneHare said. Competitive loving Grin

JaneHare · 30/01/2019 01:13

Come over to the Brexit board, Schmoobarb - it's much less intense and angsty over there Smile

3in4years · 30/01/2019 01:39

DC about a million times.

Girlicorne · 30/01/2019 02:17

DC 100%.when I was pregnant with DD someone told me I d throw DH under a bus for her. I refused to believe them, I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than DH. Then I gave birth and he's been second ever since!! I ve not read the full thread but I ll be very surprised if anyone says they love their partner more than their children.

spudlet7 · 30/01/2019 02:19

DC the most. Ever. It's overwhelming.

@CoastalLife I expect that while a grandparent would love their child the most, they would save the grandchild simply for the fact that they are a child. None of my siblings have kids yet so the closest thing I have to compare are my cousins, who I'm very close to. I love them more than I love their kids but if I had to choose who to save, I'd save their kids. They're children and their parents lives would be hell without them anyway.

Oceanbliss · 30/01/2019 02:54

User12879923378 For me having a baby was a bit like suddenly finding a new door in the house and throwing it open and finding lots of lovely new rooms that I never knew about before.

What a beautiful analogy. I feel the same way. The love I have for my DD is like no other love I've ever felt before. I felt so much love for her while she grew inside me and then it exploded into the most amazing and indescribable love the moment she was placed on my belly and she climbed me right up to my neck. The midwife placed her on my breast and I breastfed her for the first time. The love and wonder.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/01/2019 03:26

My parents were best friends, they loved and liked each other, but I know they'd have put DB and I first in a heartbeat.

I wouldn't want to be the child of a couple that were more besotted with each other than they loved me.

DB is the love of my life and my best friend - but if the unimaginable happened, and he were to cheat on me or hurt me badly, I would leave him.

It doesn't matter what my DC do, I will never stop loving them and will never leave them.

Aside from the fact that it's a different sort of love, the human heart has an infinite capacity for love.

You don't use it all up on your partner and then have none left for your kids - probably something you can't truly get until you've been there, although I think most people do kind of get that, if I'm honest.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/01/2019 03:27

DH is the love of my life! Shock

Seniorschoolmum · 30/01/2019 04:05

Dc without a doubt. But mine’s an ex and a selfish mean-spirited toad as well, so no contest.

My ds, I love more than I thought I knew how.

VikingVolva · 30/01/2019 07:11

To misquote a poster from a few years ago, it's the wrong question

Because if I loved my spouse like my DC I'd be inflicting a sexless future (and see all the threads in Relatinshios about how shitty that is), and if I loved my DC like my spouse I'd be prosecuted.

Also , I don't rank which of the DC I love most, but I know which I'd grab first in an emergency - the smallest and the one which needs most help. DH is a tall and capable adult, so it's not him, but that's nothing to do with 'amount' of love.

Cookit · 30/01/2019 07:25

If you asked me to choose between having a nice day just with DC or just with DP, I’d chose DP because the day would be more enjoyable. But I definitely love my child more. It’s the conditional vs unconditional love PPs have mentioned.
The idea of something happening to DP scares me but the idea of something happening to DC, even a fleeting thought, makes me feel sick to my stomach for hours and hours later.

Mmmhmmm · 30/01/2019 07:26

It's 2 completely different kinds of love. There's plenty of love in my heart for both.