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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
Pernickity1 · 30/01/2019 07:33

Once that baby is in your arms you’ll wonder how you could ever have questioned the depth of the love you feel for your child

I know people mean well when they say this, but these kind of statements really irk me.

I, and many mothers I know, did not fall madly, deeply in love with our newborns. They most definitely “grew on me” - particularly my first. I think it’s a damaging line and it’s constantly trotted out. I worried there was something wrong with me when my first was a baby as I wasn’t “overwhelmed with love”.

In fact, years on I still wouldn’t describe it like that. It’s a deep protectiveness and occasional moments of real joy, but mostly it’s just hard work!

All that said, I would choose them in a heartbeat over DH. It’s a different kind of relationship, not comparable really. But he’s a pretty rubbish father when it comes to their day to day care so my love for him has diminished since we’ve had children. If I had a strong and most importantly an equal partnership then I imagine I could possibly feel more love for my husband than my children.

londonrach · 30/01/2019 07:37

Dc. Its strange if you dont. Dh says he loves dd more too. Its a different love through.

1Bobbinwinder · 30/01/2019 07:41

@Pernickity1 well thank god someone said that. Took me about a year to "fall in love" with my child. I'm happy for other people that they experience this instant burning, overwhelming love at the point of delivery- but I'm surprised it is so unanimous.

Kirstiesmith1234 · 30/01/2019 07:44

DC

Trd · 30/01/2019 07:48

I have never felt for my DC what people describe here.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/01/2019 07:50

The love for my children isn’t the same love I have with my DH, my heart is big enough for them all to fit.

AlexaShutUp · 30/01/2019 07:54

DC, no contest. I'm sure that DH would pick DC over me too, and that's what I would expect.

As others have said, love for a partner is conditional. Love for a child is completely unconditional.

planespotting · 30/01/2019 07:54

Also it’s crazy, but when you give birth and this tiny human who you’ve never met before looks up at you, and you look back and immediately knows you would give your life for them.
I want to say that it is lovely that this happens to people but we have to remember than it does NOT happen to all.
I had postnatal depression and it took 2 years for me.

I think we set expectations like this and it causes so much harm to mums.

I love DH and before DC I felt like you, and for 22 months after that. But now DC is my absolute world

JaneHare · 30/01/2019 07:57

Trd - they are piling it on a bit. I love my DD as much as any mother does but don't feel the need to use such hyperbolic language.

planespotting · 30/01/2019 07:59

Oh just saw that @Pernickity1 said this too 💙

speakout · 30/01/2019 08:10

I was another " slow burner" with my babies- and yes I agree it can be potentially damaging to spread the idea that the instant "falling in love" with a newborn happens fo everyone.

Thank goodness my sister warned me about it when I was pregnant with my first.
She was a " slow birner " toom and thought there was something wrong with her, She became very depressed.

When my babies were born I only felt relief.
Relief that the pain was gone, relief that we were both safe.

It took months to feel those feelings of love.
I tented and cared, cuddled , talked to and communicated, and eventually I felt that raging fire of being completely in the depths of maternal love.
But it took a good six months.

And feeling that way is no less valid than feeling instant fierce love for your baby.

We are all different.

( I don;t fall in love with men quickly either as it happens!!)

LL83 · 30/01/2019 08:17

When I was pregnant with dd1 people would ask "are you keeping your cats?" I was shocked and annoyed.

"I love my cats and I am not even sure I will love the baby more, I mean I assume I will but I don't know for sure."

Baby came and I couldn't believe how much I loved her, a million times more than the cats.

PP are right it's unconditional love for dc. Conditional love for dh is amazing too. And I believe dh loves children more too, and I would be hurt if he didn't.

April241 · 30/01/2019 08:18

The love I have for my DC is entirely different to my DP. I've never felt this kind of love before, it physically hurts my heart sometimes.

I will say though, as a side note, I didn't have the overwhelming feeling and rush of love instantly, it took a few days. I think at first I was just so overwhelmed at being with just DP then suddenly within a day we had two babies to look after. It was all really surreal at first and I kind of went into autopilot mode. I instantly wanted to protect them more than anything in the world as soon as I had them, but it wasn't until a few days later when it was just the three of us there in the middle of the night that I realised how much I loved them.

April241 · 30/01/2019 08:21

I also remember having a conversation with my mum, after I became a mum, about how much you love your children and saying I can believe someone would love me as much as that. She said the same, she can't imagine her mum loving her they way but you do, and she said it never goes away. No matter if you're a month old, or 30, it's the same love.

EnglishRose13 · 30/01/2019 08:27

My son. Hands down. 100%. My husband and I have discussed it and we find it odd that you'd love your partner more than your own child.

What I struggle with, is the thought I could love another child as much as I love my son. I mean, I know I would, but I just can't imagine it!

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 30/01/2019 08:31

30 years ago I felt my exdh was the love of my life. as do many people when in a loving relationship. Sadly though many of these relationships with the love of their lives don't end up that way
So, for me, 100% I have loved and will continue to love my children throughout my life. There is now question

Namestheyareachangin · 30/01/2019 08:32

@JaneHare I don't know why some people feel the need to be contemptuous of others' strong feelings. As if there's some sort of intellectual cachet in 'controlling yourself' even to the point of not expressing something beautiful like love. If you don't feel it, or feel it and don't want to publicly celebrate it, fine. But why the contempt?

For me it's hands down my daughter. OP knows this and tbh I don't think he understands it. He is still in the middle of his life and doesn't get why she is now in the middle of mine; thinks it's a bit OTT as per Jane Grin.

What he also doesn't realise is now, on the days I could cheerfully murder him, and I'm looking for things about him to like, I remember it's only thanks to him I have my DD, have been able to know all that love, and he has lost out in several ways (money, time, freedom, attention) in order to make that happen. And the gratitude I feel for that is enormous, almost as enormous as the love for DD.

Trd · 30/01/2019 09:13

@JaneHareI don't know why some people feel the need to be contemptuous of others' strong feelings. As if there's some sort of intellectual cachet in 'controlling yourself' even to the point of not expressing something beautiful like love. If you don't feel it, or feel it and don't want to publicly celebrate it, fine. But why the contempt?

I don't think she was contemptuous, I think she was just trying to be supportive. I don't recognise any of the feelings described here.

FenellaMaxwell · 30/01/2019 09:22

I love them completely differently. If DH died, I would be absolutely heartbroken. But I don’t think I could actually carry on living in a world that didn’t have my DS in it.

Universalcreditwoes · 30/01/2019 09:23

It's 2 different types of love. It can't be compared. With dc it is unconditional and it is a mothering nurturing nature. With dh I love him for who he is and is of a desirable/sexual nature.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/01/2019 09:28

Children more and my husband feels the same. Very different type of love though and we both know it's our job to send children out into the world and we'll then be left with each other. If I had to save one in a fire, the boy every time.

Raffleeight · 30/01/2019 09:29

It is different kinds of love so you cannot really compare properly. Love for DC is unconditional. They could do something horrible and evil and even though I would hate them at the same time I would not be able to stop loving them. However if DH did something quite bad, not necessarily evil, I could stop loving him.

icannotremember · 30/01/2019 09:30

She was sneering, which is silly. Some of us are equally comfortable discussing the intricacies of Brexit on one thread and professing our overwhelming love for our dc on another. It's not competitive unless you're looking for it to be.

user1466690252 · 30/01/2019 09:33

I’m excited for you to understand this question in a few months time, it might take a while and that ok. But there is nothing like the love you have for your children. It is an incredible thing. I also love my husband very much, but I would kill him in a heartbeat for my kids, and he would want me to and do the same to me 😂
Good luck with everything

Newbie1981 · 30/01/2019 09:33

I remember on my wedding day thinking how will I ever top this feeling. Then I gave birth and was like "oooooh" I love them all equally but as others have said, in a different way!