AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

@Dungeondragon15

Of course the OP understands the will - she has repeatedly said in the thread and explained. Have you read the full thread? She has repeatedly said the only beneficiaries are her children, and her sister knows this as they both have the same will. Why on earth would you assume the OP doesnt understand plain and simple english?

Sympathy for you ... but u are doing the right thing by re-mortgaging ur home to help her

FFS. Yes the OPs sister may have said she didn’t want children at that particular time. But many people who don’t want children in their 20s or early 30s go on to have them.

A clause in his will which covered present and future grandchildren would have avoided all this. Specially as the OP seems sure this was her father’s intention.

If I'd have been you I'd have assumed the money went to all grandkid

Why would you assume that when it was left to two specific named beneficiaries?

A clause in his will which covered present and future grandchildren would have avoided all this.

How long would the money have to have sat there?

I guess this thread has served one useful purpose- it’s a lesson in how not to write a will!

OP you have done nothing wrong

mumsnet is so contradictory at times, usually people are very quick to say that someone can leave their money to whoever they want, yet in this case the OP father is being vilified.

He, as was his right, left money for the education of the two grandchildren he had, having been told by op sister that she was a career woman and didnt want children.

That changed after his death, that is not the ops fault or her fathers, the money for the children is being spent as per his wishes. Its sad, maybe unfair, although the will was made when there were only two children and no prospect of any more, but its life

Op dont move your children, it would be very disruptive for them and dont remortgage your home

@headinhands

Why would you assume this when the will specifically states its only for the two granchildren? Have you RTFT?

headinhands RTFT. The money belongs to the OP's DC. Legally. She is only a trustee - it is not her money and she would be breaking the law to give a portion of it to her sister.

the problem is it's up to your kids to choose to get into more debt and give the fund yo their cousins. how likely is that and how bitter would the relationship be?

sounds like remortgaging if affordable is your only option to give your sister cash.

The will very clearly names the 2 grandchildren, the sister has a copy, let's just assume everyone involved can read. This is not a surprise, The DC are minors, the OP can't just give their money away - as a Trustee she would be in a world of trouble for that. Suggesting the OP remortgages to pay towards her nieces/nephews private education is utter madness.

I would feel the same if I was in your sisters shoes. This conversation should have been had when she was expecting her first child.

I don't think you can be surprised that she expects a fair split

But what to do now is a tricky one!! Legal advise will likely side with you but morally this should be split however possible

I had then accounted a small amount (10k) towards their university/HE costs

OP, it’s a tough situation and there may be no way out of it, but this gesture would be appreciated by the cousins, which would be nice. I think if there is any left over amount after private schooling, it should be gifted.

You can't write a will based on ifs and whens :/ He did what any of us would do so as much as its a shitty situation for your DS she has to get over it. She can't miss what she never had and to take it off your children is hopefully not an option!

You legally may not be required able to share

Fixed that for you.

@headinhands then you'd have been breaking the law.

It. is. not. the. OP's. money. to. give.

I'm not sure what part of that so many are struggling with.

Of course the OP understands the will - she has repeatedly said in the thread and explained. Have you read the full thread? She has repeatedly said the only beneficiaries are her children, and her sister knows this as they both have the same will. Why on earth would you assume the OP doesnt understand plain and simple english?

Yes, I have read the thread and I saw that OP later on states that her children were specifically named in the will so that the money is theirs. If she understood this at the time she was having the conversation with her sister then why wouldn't she have said this in the first place rather than saying that there was no money left? It sounds to me as if she didn't understand the implications at the time of the conversation (rather than now) any better than her sister or she would have put her straight.

Oh op, please please don't remortgage to give her some money or anything like that. Don't pull your kids out either, from what I've been reading here it won't help anyway!

Your sister changed her mind, your children were named in the will. Your dad wrote it with what he knew at the time. Yes he would have split it 4 ways if he had known but she didn't want children so why would he?

I am so sorry, i think it is just one of those shitty unfair things how it has worked out. I think the gifting of whats left for uni is a nice idea, especially if your kids can access more funds. Do check that doesn't have an implication for them accessing that fund though. I think your sister is taking it out on you her disappointment, and expectation - I also think shes probably pissed off at herself for saying she wasn't having kids.
Please don't let your the fact your sister is your only immediate relative cloud your judgement on what to do, it doesn't give her a pass to treat you like shit on something that was never yours, and never in your control.

I think this is the most contentious thread I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet. If nothing else it’s an interesting illustration of the way people view familial and moral duties.

and that lots of people wish they were lawyers despite knowing fuck all

Today 12:06 hellhavenofury

‘You can't write a will based on ifs and whens’

Hahahahahahaha

Course you can!

We wrote our first wills when dc1 was born and didn’t actually update until many years later. We just wrote into our will that all our assets would be shared equally among our children (we subsequently had two more.)

Honestly the ignorance on here is astounding

I think you need to keep saying to your sister that it was your father who made the mistake in his will.

The fairest thing would have been to split his estate equally between you.

My partners dad has just died. It was split between the 4 siblings equally. His 2 brothers are just giving their share straight to their children. That is their choice to do that.

In your case, one sister has had lots more benefit from the estate than the other. You have had the opportunity to put your children first. She hasn't had that opportunity, she can't choose.

I think you should morally give her something. Remortgaging is a good idea. We have just remortgaged for 30k and our monthly payments have actually gone down.

I know 2 people whose families have been ripped apart by well intentioned wills.

One was exactly your situation and the sister who got substantially less because she was childless didn't speak to her sister for over 20 years.

The other was that the friend of mine who was basically disinherited ended up being sectioned after having a breakdown. He just couldn't accept that his dad had left him so little.

OP, although as the will says, the money is for your dcs, it is not fair for you to put the decision on whether to give any money to their cousins on your own dcs.

Your dcs both have to be of age and they may not agree between themselves whether to give their cousins and how much. Even if they decide to give whether solely or jointly, there is no guarantee (and in fact a big possibility) that their cousins won't think it enough. In addition, who's to say your sister and her dh won't have more children in the future.

If you in any way suggest to your sister or BIL that it is up to your dcs, then you are copping out and kicking the can down the road for your dcs to sort out the mess.

If I were you, I would not breathe a word about it being your dcs' decision. If you did, it would open a pandora's box for them for when they are of age.

The easiest and cleanest (assuming your Friday meeting at the solicitors does not throw up surprises) is to quote the law, send your sister to the solicitor and not get drawn into the morality of it. Your sister and BIL will not be happy but, fingers crossed, if they are practical people, they will hopefully eventually realise they have to suck it up and perverse as it is in hindsight, it was your father's wishes.

It is the best chance of preserving your relationship, without you getting into unnecessary debt and without leading your sister on to spend more on private education than she can afford in anticipation of any sum. Quibbling over amounts and giving more unrealistic expectations about future money is the sure way to an acrimonious end.

Simple advice op.

Do not give her any money.

If she understood this at the time she was having the conversation with her sister then why wouldn't she have said this in the first place rather than saying that there was no money left?

Maybe because she was flustered and surprised at what her sister had asked out of the blue?