AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong and can see that she has been given the shit stick.

I don’t think you are able to save the relationship unless you share some of the money.
I don’t think you can expect things to carry on as they were and her just to suck it up

Lady of the loch

£135k is a huge amount of money - more than enough to educate 4 children through secondary.

By my count that’s less than £10k per year, supposing each of OP’s dc does year 7-13?

Surely if the money was left specifically to your children in the will (ie they were both named individually) then it isn’t your money to decide how/ when to split?

Your sister was pregnant when you enrolled your youngest into private school, and between then and now it hasn't occurred to you to discuss the inheritance? Really? Well, you can be as selfish as you like about this, because legally she gas no recourse, but unless you pull out every stop to try to redress the balance here, you should expect to lose your relationship with your sister. I really can't blame her for being angry, this sounds very calculated.

Tbh I would be annoyed and get your sisters point- just because yours were born first they get the benefit of your fathers estate.

Your father really didn’t think it through or clearly know your sister very well and it falls as crap on your now situation.

No legally you have no responsibility but morally is there no way you and DH can pay for a year of your DC and give a year to your DN? If by all accounts your sister concentrated on her career so much, can she not afford any on her own?

Also sorry but just because someone not had kids by 35 doesn’t mean they don’t want them- that was a weird assumption to make!

@elspethflashman

Wait a second, if they didn't go private until 2 and 3 years ago respectively, that means you've blown through 100+ grand in 3 years????

I would say that the kids are in years 9 and 10/11.
That’s 7/8 years of fees at a secondary school so far, with a further 2 or 3 to go (or another 4 for sixth form). I’ve no idea how much the fees are, but that doesn’t seem excessive.

She’s not saying she’s spent it all already, just that it’s allocated for those fees to come.

I am not sure what your sister expects you to do. If the money is almost spent there's not much you can do.

Having said that it is an unfortunate situation to be in and not worth falling out with your sister if it can be avoided. Bad planning all round by your dad.

Lady of the Loch 135k would not privately educate four children I am afraid. Two perhaps. Our local private school a really ordinary one. £10k a year year 7 day pupil rising yearly to 18k a year in the sixth form.

It was a shame your father did not set up a trust you could both have benefited from as the need arose.

£42,500 will get you not many more than three years, either.

And some of the capital must have already gone.

Bloody hell op you have been very selfish not to consider that your sister might have had children at some point, no wonder she is angry and upset. Why should your children be the only one to get the benefit of a good education? Put yourself in her shoes, and see how you would feel, and as for being an older mother, maybe your sister wanted to find the right partner to have children with?

Well, your father made an extremely unfair will. I can't express how unfair it was to leave extra money to you for your children's education, and not for his other daughter's children's education.

If it's £135,000, then your sister should have half of it for the education of her children, and she should use it as she sees fit.

YABU in not seeing this, and rectifying the appalling act of favouritism that your father left in his will.

And it's no excuse to say that at the time of his making his will, you were the only one with children. There should have been some sort of a trust set up, to be divided equally between his two children, specifically for the purpose of educating his present and future grandchildren. He was very badly advised by his solicitor to do what he did.

Your poor sister. You know what you need to do to make it right: she should have £67,500 for the education of her children - your father's grandchildren just as much as yours are his grandchildren.

Did your s know about this bit of the will?
Didn’t you think about discussing it when your s got pg?
Have you ever talked about it since?

No wonder your s is feeling put out........

I think you have a clear choice, private school for you dcs or a relationship with dsis

Your dad didnt think it through. But come on OP, you know that if all 4 kids had bed around when he made that will then it would have been split between them all for their education. He didn't think ahead, but you know what his dishes really were. That his grandchildren get the education he couldn't give the 2 of you. Did you really not think about what he'd have wanted when those kids were born?

Your poor sister.

Less than 2 yrs after your ddad died she was pregnant, did it really never occur to you that he would have wanted that money to be split between all his dgcs?

This. I think some part of the OP did realise that her DDad's intentions were to give all his grandchildren the benefit of a good education. Unfortunately being honest with herself and doing right by her DSis and DDad wouldn't square with her plans and ambitions for her own children. Legally they might be entitled to that money given the specific wording of the will, but morally it's pretty shit tbh. I wouldn't do that to my sibling.

Were the children named in the will?

I'd have been tempted to keep half of the 135k aside in case sister had dc.

You need to ask yourself what your dad would do if he was alive.
It's a tough situ but I think yabu. You know your dad would have wanted all of his grandchildren to benefit.
Whilst his Will didn't specify any kids she may have down the line, in the spirit of his rationale behind leaving that amount of money for education, I think the right thing to do is to share it with your sister.
Don't be one of those families who fall out over money. It ain't worth it. What's more valuable? Your sister or the money?

£135 k would never have divided into 4 DC going privately even if shared from day one so therefore you have been very fortunate and your sister less so thanks to your Dads decision. I don’t think you can do anything about but if I were your sister I would be hugely pissed off and I’m surprised you didn’t see this day coming

It sounds like a terrible will. A good solicitor would have pointed out that something like this might happen.

But morally, well, I would be fuming as she is.

Why, when the money is already spent and the sister’s kids are so much younger? Not the OP’s fault.

Share the bloody money, jesus.

It’s already spent. How should she share the remnants which will get her youngest through sixth form, from what she says.

What did the will actually say, OP?

The money was split according to your fathers will. You've done nothing wrong and it's too late to change it now! What if she goes on the have more children further down the line? What then??

@UterusUterusGhali my mum died 20 years ago so effectively Dad’s will was both their assets.

I feel awful because I know I would be feeling the same way. My Dad’s will explicitly for X and Y so I never once thought any different. When my children started school, my sister hadn’t even had her first child yet. I don’t doubt had there been the 4 grandchildren at the time he died it would have been split.

@Mrshoneyneedsanewhat My sister has a good career but now works part time due to having children and her DH has a full-time job in public services although it doesn’t pay mega money. They live in a large 4 bed semi so I know they could sell up and move to a 3 bed in another part of town and get money from the sale of the house but again I’m expecting she will say I could do the same (although not quite the same when I’m in a 3 bed end of terrace).

Anyway, I think your sister should have started a discussion about it with you when she either started ttc or when she found out she was expecting dc1 ( if not ttc). It’s a bit late now, when the funds have been allocated.

I think the wording in your dad’s will matters a lot here. Was it specific to your two children or was it a general grandchildren?

What did the will actually say OP? For grandchildren generally or did it specify your two dcs?