Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

999 replies

LadyDracula · 29/01/2019 21:56

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 11:20

On the subject of the hypothetical third child, their education could have been paid for out of the compensation the OP would have received from whoever performed her hysterectomy so poorly.

@SoupDragon wins the thread 😂😂

Lovelyflowerstoday · 30/01/2019 11:22

Omg if there was ever a need for a huge flashing RTFT it needs to be on here. So many idiotic posts. I'm with you OP, you've done the right thing and no way should you move your children, remortgage or get your DC's to pay their cousin anything. The money was legally left for your DC's education and your poor father didn't think your sister ever wanted children so too bad for her now.

perfectstorm · 30/01/2019 11:23

OP, please stop feeling bad. It was never your money to give away.

The reality is that your sister, as an intelligent woman, must be aware that money left in trust to minors cannot be diverted to the benefit of anyone else. That's completely against the law, and they could actually sue for breach of trust if any such diversion occurred. It's an absolute non-starter. Her assumption that she could just help herself to their inheritance for the benefit of her children is pretty fucking stupid. As is the belief that the pot would fund anyone's kids through private school from Reception to 6th form.

What was your sister expecting? That you'd not spend the money, despite your dad specifically setting out the terms of the bequest as being for the education of your children, in the hope that at 18 you could pressure them to sign half over to her kids? Is she aware that they would have every right to refuse to do that, at that age, because it's their money? And there would be precisely nothing you or she could do about that?

She's been looking at private schools that start next year, when your kids are four years away from being able to sign away anything, even had they wanted to. And your kids went to private secondaries, anyway. There was never enough money in that pot to privately educate four kids through secondary school, far less all through, so she's living in cloud cuckoo land on many fronts. Not your money to give her; even if it were, not enough for what she's planning.

Your sister has simply chosen to believe what suited her, and is now very angry when reality is knocking. Is it fair on her kids? No, of course not. Is that anyone's fault? No. And it can't be adjusted now.

Was it a badly drafted will? Yeah, possibly. The other possibility is that your DF knew more grandchildren were unlikely, but he also loved the ones he knew, and really wanted them to get this start in life. He left them hugely more than he did his own daughters, after all. It could well be that his personal love for them meant he wouldn't have wanted it split between grandchildren he would never know - that he left it to the grandchildren he loved and who made his last years happier, and not to, "the grandchildren" as a concept. There's no means to tell, but you and your sister aren't entitled to decide to disinherit beneficiaries of his will, because your relationship with one another is your priority. His will. Not your call, nor hers. You can't know what his thoughts were. All you can know is what the realities are.

It's a shame and very hard on the cousins, but let's be clear: two working parents, with a large-ish house, yes? Presumably with a lot of equity? Far more attention because there are two adults to provide it? Whereas your kids are living in a smaller house, and have a single mum? That's not equal, either. Life isn't. Sometimes the breaks aren't equal. But expecting your kids to hand over money they actually need to get through uni, to a family who are better off, is unreasonable IMO. Your sister does seem rather to feel that heads your kids should lose, and tails her kids should win. And if you re-mortgage, then you're agreeing with her.

Pinotwoman82 · 30/01/2019 11:25

OP you are in an impossible situation, the money is not legally yours to distribute out to others. I do understand how your sister may be feeling but it is not your fault. Mumsnet is very strange normally if someone is a bit miffed or upset over not being left the same amount as someone else the general consensus is that you shouldn’t expect anything and you should go with the wishes of the will.

lerrimknowyouretheyir · 30/01/2019 11:25

I'm amazed at the stupidity or ignorance of some posters who think it's as simple as you giving your sister £67,500 from your children's inheritance. As if your children's inheritance is something you can touch.
It's a shit situation and if I were your sister I'd be furious but her anger is misdirected.
I sincerely hope you're not going to remortgage your house because unless you can/are willing to release £67,500, in her eyes, it won't be enough anyway, by the sounds of things.

Either way the relationship is probably damaged due to your sister misdirecting her anger at the situation at you and your offspring rather than your father.

FWIW I think you're making an error by speaking to your BIL as he will likely convince you that remortgaging is the right thing to do.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 30/01/2019 11:25

The sister's children didn't even exist when the Will was drafted. She had said she didn't intend having children. The OP had had a hysterectomy so could not have any more.

The Will was actually drafted very logically, to benefit specific family members that the testator knew and cared about, in a way that was important to him. Why should he have made provision for further DGC when all the information he was being given said that there weren't going to be any?

IveGotAlpen · 30/01/2019 11:27

What @perfectstorm said

justasking111 · 30/01/2019 11:27

You cannot just hand over the money like this by mortgaging your home I would have thought anyway. Gifting attracts income tax over a certain amount.

fezzesarecool · 30/01/2019 11:27

Op please just in this situation put your children and yourself first

I would try and give your sister any money to make up for this. This is not your fault and given how your sister has behaved do you really think she will help you or your children out down the line?

Don’t put yourself in a worse situation.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/01/2019 11:28

I think people are being unfair to the sister. She clearly didn't realise that the money wasn't left to all the grandchildren and thinks that OP has selfishly spent the money so hardly surprising that she is furious. Whilst it would have been good if she had actually read the Will and understood the implications it is clear OP didn't either as otherwise she could have put her sister straight (rather than just saying that money had been spent) and this situation wouldn't have happened. Hopefully the solicitor will be able to clarify things and the problem will be solved.

NoPhelange · 30/01/2019 11:28

He left your DC the money for their education. You are using it as he wished. The will did not state you should split it should she decide to start a family. It is unfortunate and such a harsh situation but I don't believe that you should be putting yourself in the situation of remortgaging to pay her off, nobody had a crystal ball at the time of the will being written, and as far as I can see it is legally being executed as wished.

If she let's you remortgage or pull your children from a school they are settled in and one at GCSE prep level then your relationship is fucked anyway. Private education is a privilege only afforded to some, luckily you have been one of them, unluckily she isn't but that hasn't been due to your life choices.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Bitlost · 30/01/2019 11:28

How do you think she'll always feel knowing your children have potentially been given a better education while hers just go to the local school.

My goodness - we’re such a fucked up little country.

CocoCharlie83 · 30/01/2019 11:28

OP legally you have done nothing wrong and are entitled to spend all of the money on your children.

IMO morally is a total different matter. I would never dream of spending every penny on my own children knowing my sibling was having a child when you did. And if it was my sibling inherited the money in the way you did and did as you have done I would never think of them the same again.

My DF would also be very disappointed if I was to act the same and not at least save some towards my sisters kids knowing she was having them when I started spending the money

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 11:29

@CocoCharlie83 reading the thread is always fun 🤦‍♀️

I agree with PP MN should add RTFT to the heading.

fluffyhamster · 30/01/2019 11:30

OP - IGNORE all the people who say you've done a terrible thing, you are morally wrong etc etc because you have not.

It always surprises me on these threads how little people understand about probate, inheritance etc.
There's not a 'pot' of money that can be divvied up however a family member feels like it. There are clear guidelines and named beneficiaries (in this case). Any change in distribution of the inheritance from that stated in the will would need an agreed Deed of Variation. The money belongs to the children and a parent cannot give it to someone else.
The chances are that probate and estate accounts were all signed off and closed years ago. Family members can't just come along and decide to make a 'claim' years later.

It's unfortunate that your father's will was not more specific and didn't foresee the possibility that your sister might have kids in the future, but wills can't provide for every possible future eventuality. Perhaps your sister had told your DF that she didn't ever want kids?

The sisters have been treated equally by the DF in the will. The grandchildren who existed at the time of the DF's death are individuals in their own right - they should not be considered as part of their mother.

At worst, I think your sister is a CF who is chancing her luck. To give her the benefit of the doubt I'd say she is naive/ doesn't know the cost of private education and has wrongly assumed that the will left a pot of cash for general use by all grandchildren.

I sympathise - equally between me, my brother and my two children (the only grandchildren). My brother was livid and kicked up such an unbelievable fuss. In the end I loaned him part of my inheritance to enable him to buy a house. Fast forward 6 years later and I could really do with that money back, but I can't get it unless my brother sells the house which he refuses to do.

Suggest to you sister that she talks the situation through with a local solicitor - they will soon tell her that she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 30/01/2019 11:31

'Ignore the will' is 2019's 'Cancel the cheque' isn't it Hmm

WaxMyBalls · 30/01/2019 11:35

I think people are being unfair to the sister. She clearly didn't realise that the money wasn't left to all the grandchildren and thinks that OP has selfishly spent the money so hardly surprising that she is furious.

I dunno, she has actually seen it. Could be as you describe, could be that she knows it wasn't left to all GC but her understanding of the law is as poor as that of a lot of posters in this thread berating OP, could be she gets it but is chancing her arm. They all seem like possibilities based on what we've been told.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 11:36

I would never dream of spending every penny on my own children knowing my sibling was having a child when you did

You haven't even read the first post have you? The money was committed before the sister was pregnant.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/01/2019 11:36

Unless I've completely misunderstood, there is no "fair" way to do this, is there?

£135k is not enough to put 4 DC through private secondary school. So while I appreciate that OP's Sisters DC are currently missing out, if OP was to pull her DC out of school to give half the money to her sister then her kids will be missing out instead which isn't any fairer, surely?

The will was in itself inherently unfair. That's not OP's fault and it's certainly not her DC's. Suggesting the OP should downsize or remortgage her home is ridiculous. How is that "fair"? I completely understand why OP's sister is upset but she's upset with the wrong person. unfortunately the person who caused her unhappiness is dead so she's talking her anger out on OP.

perfectstorm · 30/01/2019 11:37

'Ignore the will' is 2019's 'Cancel the cheque' isn't it

Yep. And I agree with PP who want MN to put a header up on RTFT. It's getting worse and worse.

Also want a stop the cheque emoticon. Even if just to relieve my own frustrations!

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 11:37

Legally you're right. Morally your sister is definitely right. If I were you I'd share it with my sister. It's undoubtably the right thing to do.

NCjustforthisthread · 30/01/2019 11:37

@Dungeondragon15

I think people are being unfair to the sister. She clearly didn't realise that the money wasn't left to all the grandchildren and thinks that OP has selfishly spent the money so hardly surprising that she is furious. Whilst it would have been good if she had actually read the Will and understood the implications it is clear OP didn't either as otherwise she could have put her sister straight (rather than just saying that money had been spent) and this situation wouldn't have happened. Hopefully the solicitor will be able to clarify things and the problem will be solved.

So its the OP's fault the sister is stupid not to understand plain and simple english? How can she not realise that wording such as 'Leaving £XXX to named grandchild A and grandchild B' meant just that? Why should the OP had to re-check that her sister understood the will, written in english?

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 11:38

Although 134k is about two private prep school fees not four kids private education.

SoEverybodyDance · 30/01/2019 11:38

The will was badly drafted - your father definitely had bad advice. The money should have been left in trust for all future grandchildren to benefit from. Your father probably would have wanted this, it's unlikely he would have wanted your children to benefit over hers, nor would he have wanted a family row over it.

You may not be able to amend this legally now, due to the smallness of the inheritance. But to do nothing will probably cause a toxic family rift that will involve all your children and hers which would be horrible for everyone. I'm in agreement with others that you have a moral obligation towards your sister.

Perhaps you can work something out with her, such as leaving her children an equivalent amount + inflation in your will?

Good luck anyway, it's a tough situation for you both to work out. I hope you can do it together for the benefit of everyone.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 11:38

If I were you I'd share it with my sister. It's undoubtably the right thing to do.

Do your morals not cover stealing money that doesn't belong to you?