AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Dsis has seen the will, has a copy and this isn’t anything new to her. That’s why I was so taken aback when she asked me in the first place. That’s why it has never been mentioned before this weekend. I was under the impression we were all very clear on the matter.

This is mind-boggling. Why on earth didn't she bring it up before? How did she think you were paying for your dc's education? Did she expect you to know by osmosis to keep half for her dc? She's dealt with this very badly.

I find it hard to believe decent sister would actually expect her sister to remortgage or take her children out of their school because of something that wasn't her fault or her doing. It says a lot about her really.

I would never expect my siblings to do anything of the sort.

She used the £35,000 she received to pay of some of the mortgage. She can remortgage and give her sister that. She wouldn't be any worse off than she would have been had she not received and inheritance. I'm not saying that she has to do that but it will even things up a bit and is all she can do. I would do that in her situation I think.

Why on earth should she? The father left money to his grandchildren. That is between the grandfather and the grandchildren. Its nothing to do with the sister or indeed the OP. The OP is only responsible for looking after it.

If the sister wants to sabotage the relationship over something the OP has no discretion over then there isn't much OP can do about it other that bribe her with her personal assets. Even if she does that, how long until that wont be good enough when Dsis kids want their first car etc.

I have quite a lot of sympathy for the dead Grandfather, who seems to be getting a universal hard time. When he died he had one DD either just going through or just completed a divorce and one single DD with no interest in carrying on the family line.

I can see why he opted to keep his money in the hands of his "blood relations" by favouring his existing DGC.

That said I think he was misguided and at the very least should have given the single sister her half and then favoured the DGC over their mother to keep the funds away from the divorce settlement.

(There is a lot of exceptionalism for single mothers on this thread. No-one seems to be considering how much the absent father may / should also be contributing).

In terms of the Op at the very least £35k should be going to the sister's DC with an expectation to make good the other £32k if / when the Op can afford to do so.

The sister wants the money for private primary school. Presumably she is intending for them to go private throughout their education and is thus is in a position to fund this herself given there is no way the whole original amount of money would cover this for 4 children. She is trying to get money from her sister to fund more private education than the OP's children were able to have.

Not necessarily. Plenty of people put their children into private primaries in the hope that they’ll be more likely to pass their 11+ and go on to Grammar school. Much cheaper than paying for private secondary.

Her real option is to pay for the final years of education herself, and to give what's remaining to the sister. The sister was never going to get a full ride anyway.

And how is that going to work? Legally and morally, how?

The money in the trust can't be used. So op would have to take a personal financial hit to pay her DSis. That means Op's the one that ends up losing out month to month (which will have a knock on effect to the standard of living for her children) and left without an inheritance at all from her DF while her sister gets her own inheritance (which she's already spent?) and Ops and her children get private education despite the fact the Will left the money for Ops DCs because their grandfather knew them.

There is nothing wrong with him prioritising the children he saw and loved.

Absolutely.

Auntiepatricia

@Cbstothinkofaname, that is a DIFFERENT clause.

My point is, any intelligent loving parent writes a will which treats their children and any grandchildren or potential grandchildren equitably.

If the education of grandchildren was important to him, he simply needed to write his will in a way which would treat all grandchildren equally. It seems the OP knows this was his intention, but because for reasons best known to himself (presumably either being a nasty piece of work or incredibly ignorant) he wrote his will in a way which has benefited just the 2 grandchildren who were born at that point.

I wonder what would have happened if the OP had gone on to have a later 3rd child. Would she have been happy to see one of her own children treated so unequally?

When my DM died my sister and brother both had 2 children and I had none (was just about to get married but was older and no certainty would have had any children). Her will, which wasn't actually a formal will so not legally binding, left money to the grandchildren but my siblings ignored that and we split the inheritance 3 ways and subsequently I have had 3 children. I personally think it is outrageous that the OP has kept that money for her children only whatever the will said especially when it hadn't been spent when her sister had her children. Very unfortunate of course and I do feel absolute sympathy with the situation but this is a conversation that should have happened years ago.

@mcmooberry go back and read the thread. OP can not legally touch the money.

@mcmooberry go back and read the thread. OP can not legally touch the money.

Having read the full thread, I don't see that the OP has done anything reprehensible, either legally or morally.

The monies were left in trust for her to educate her kids. To do anything other than that would be illegal. She cannot choose to give her sister any of those monies in trust.

I also do not think there should be any pressure or obligation on her own kids to pass over any of their inheritance to their cousins.

Nor do I think she should contribute anything to her sister, either by re mortgaging or saving to help with the education of her sister's kids to the detriment of her own finances.

Perhaps the OP should get the solicitor to write a very clear letter to the OPs sister explaining precisely how the monies left can be used, and what the limitations are with regards to this. The sister may not like it, but she did not have kids at the time of death, and as I know to our cost, there are all sorts of pitfalls about in varying a will, not least that the OP would have had to bear all the legal costs of so doing.

I hope OP that you are not going to make any commitments to your sister or bil, until you have taken very solid legal advice. If your sister has had the will and been aware of the contents for all this time, then this should be no shock to her. She is attempting to guilt you into giving her money that is not yours to give, and it looks as if she is succeeding. She had the opportunity to ask for a Deed of Variation or to challenge the will at the right time to do so. She chose not to. Your sister is a CF.

Good luck!

What’s the point of the reoccurring ‘what if’ questions? Presumable her dad knew she’d had a hysterectomy. And if not, she would had made decisions about that child which might have involved remortgaging or no private school. What she could not have done, even for her own child, would be to expand the trust of money for named children.

As thought, I am the trustee of the amount left, the beneficiary’s to the large sum are specifically named as X and Y within all documentation they have, with the stipulation that this money to be spent on education.

Right. Then the OP cannot share this money with her sister, as it is not her money. It’s unfortunate; very unfortunate.....but it is what it is. Her DF wanted X and Y to have the money. So he left it to them and it’s now legally to be used for their benefit. May he have felt differently if he’d known he would have other GC? Quite possibly. But he didn’t know he would and we will never know what he would have done differently. So everyone has to live with what was actually stipulated.

Maybe the solicitor needs to explain this to your sister? She may not have fully internalised the legal points (it wasn’t relevant to her at the time) and may have just thought of it as a general “education fund”. If it’s explained to her in legal terms, she may realise that the fault doesn’t lie with the OP.

This thread is the craziest thread ive ever read on MN. The amount of ignorant people, telling the OP (as a single mother) to remortgage her house, to give payments of £xxx monthly to her sister - are all of you insane? The money was left to the OP's children - that is how her father stipulated it in the will. The amount of people saying to give whatever is left of the money to the sister - are you all crazy? This is ILLEGAL.

The sister clearly knew what was in the will for years ago - she's just chancing it. And what sort of fool who wants private education for their child, doesnt do the research on how much it costs? Did she really think £135k would put 4 kids through? Dont be ridiculous. She's chancing it and she knows it. And why, didnt she ask her sister about it when she was newly pregnant? Oh yes, that would be because she knew what was stipulated in the will. Now shes decided to go part time and her husband doesnt earn much, she's trying her luck.

OP - please dont make your children give their cousins money that was left to them, for them, from your father. This is not what he wanted. Please dont listen to the people on here telling you that you owe her this money, you do not. Yes - its unfortunate, but the will is what it is.

I personally think it is outrageous that the OP has kept that money for her children only

She didn't keep it for her children only. It is actually their money.

Have a conversation with the school. Explain the situation, tell them exactly how much money you have for the 4 children and their ages. They may be able to give a sibling discount across the four cousins, plus a discount for paying so far in advance as you pay for all four in one go. It might be possible with a bit of negotiation. At worst they'll tell you how much you're short, and then you have a few years to work up the difference.

Everyone is assuming that the father made an error of judgement.
But if education is that important to him, this may well be what he wanted.
He had an estate when he died of £205k (this may be what he expected when he made the Will or it may be considerably more of less)
He could have split the estate to give £100K to each daughter and a nominal £2500 to each GC.
The OP might not have had enough to educate her 2 children as her father would have wanted. While her then childless sister would have the same amount of money to spend on handbags and prosecco

mcmooberry if your DM had left a will your siblings had no power to redistribute their children's inheritance. They could be sued. If they wish to either gift you monies or enact a deed of variation then go for it. But if the grandchildren are named they are abusing their position as executors.

For god sake why do parents think they have some kind of discretion over the distribution of assets to third party's that were explicitly bequeathed to their children?

cba I wonder what would have happened if the OP had gone on to have a later 3rd child. Would she have been happy to see one of her own children treated so unequally? Ffs, RTFT. The OP has very clearly stated that she had a hysterectomy, so there would never have been a third child.

I am curious OP, and you don't have to answer of course - what schooling decisions would you have made if your children had been left £ 67,500 for their education?

The people saying your dad should have stipulated 'all surviving grandchildren' aren't taking into account that the sisters children weren't born at the point of death so the estate would have been distributed the same way. The point for your sister to object was back when your dad was still alive and made such a lopsided Will.

Solicitor has confirmed it is in trust for the children. That means it isn't your money to hand over, neither can the children since the trust has a stipulation that it should be used for their education.

Convincing your sister of this will be the main issue, hopefully the solicitor can make it clear to her that you have no real control over the money here.

This is turning into "cancel the cheque."

Why don't people read the fucking thread?

"if your sister had children ten years later then it wouldn't have looked so bad. But the fact that she was pregnant before any of the education money had been spent then it should have been looked at then"

Exactly.

I think if your sister had children ten years later then it wouldn't have looked so bad. But the fact your sister was pregnant with her first before any of the education money had been spent then it should have been looked at then.

@ISmellBabies she can not do that. There is not money for four. There is only money for two.

I wonder what would have happened if the OP had gone on to have a later 3rd child. Would she have been happy to see one of her own children treated so unequally?

She probably wouldn’t have been happy; but she still wouldn’t be able to do anything about it because of the way the Will has been drafted. Previous posters have described analogous situations - sometimes one child does benefit and another doesn’t. As others have said, it’s a good argument for leaving bequests to children directly and leaving them to sort things for the grandchildren.