AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

If the will specifically said your two kids by name, I actually think it was on her to bring this up with you much sooner. I don’t think it’s reasonable of her to just assume that money left specifically to your children would have been budgeted with her children in mind (especially since they weren’t born when you made the schooling decisions).

I agree with Tulipsinbloom1. You have been very selfish here OP. I would have had a conversation with my siblings as soon as that will had been announced and shared it out to them.

The person being unreasonable was your dad when he made the will.

Your sister should have addressed this when her child was born, rather than waiting until now.

Any solicitor worth their salt would of advised this could happen & a set percentage of money would be kept in trust.

I realise that doesn't help you now & I'm not sure what to suggest but hopefully other people will see this & avoid a situation like this in future.

I think morally you should have reassessed when your sister fell pregnant. I would be very upset in her place too.

MulticolourMophead Is right. You probably aren’t able to split the money, it won’t be yours to give away. Is it worth spending a couple of hundred quid on legal advice to demonstrate you can’t change the will in order to keep the peace? What did the will say?

If they were named in the will then it really is just tough luck.

If your father had wanted to provide for all future grandchildren's education then he could have set up a trust. He chose not to.

Not your fault, not your responsibility and you would be wrong to take your children's money from them.

If you want to gift your sister an equivalent to half of the money, it has to come from you not from your children's pool which was left specifically for their education.

If you can't do that, your sister will have to decide whether she wants to maintain a relationship with you.

It's 170, not 135.

I think it's appalling.

OP are you actually suggesting they sell their home to afford it? When her sister won't give her a penny?

I agree the dad had been badly advised. However, depending on exactly how the will was written, OP may not be able to hand over any of the money anyway.

And like another pointed out she had her first child long before your first went to private school so it shows your lack of care or thought for her and her child at the time

You can't just 'share out' money left to someone else in a Will. It is not yours to share.

Did the will specifically mention your children's names ie I leave £135k to Jack and Jill for their education? If so then surely the money is for your children's use alone. It puts you in an unfortunate position but the will was divided up as per your father's wishes.

Given that you say the will stated your children by name, you have no obligation to give your sister a penny. However it seems she is making it clear that your relationship is screwed if you don't pay up. If the money is gone there is fuck all she can do. Surely she knew what the will stated at the time. She should have contested it then as, in all fairness, it was a lot to leave to your kids, along with the 35k to yourself. Did she not cop on then that the money was solely for your kids and not future grandchildren too? It's a bit late for her to be whinging about it now. She should have come to you when she saw that you were sending your kids to private school and she'd had her first child.

If they were named in the will then it really is just tough luck.
And tough luck in the op when the dsis goes not contact

I'm surprised you have got through the £135k . My son went to Private school , it was roughly 10k a year but subsequent siblings get the fees at a lower rate . How much is actually left of the inheritance ?Could you give a portion of what's left to your sister to invest, so when her DC reach secondary school age they will have something to use .
I honestly can't see a way forward for your relationship unless you offer something up.

If OP's DF left the money specifically to her children, legally could she give some to her sister- isn't it her children's money? I think the fault lies in the drafting of the will and the assumption that the Ds wouldn't have children.

I can't believe you are even asking. You are bang out of order. Your dad would want all his grandchildren to benefit surely.

Have you spent it already?

Let’s also factor in that private schools pretty much always offer a substantial sibling discount, and that lots of the uniform bought for the first child can be reused for the second.

No substantial discounts at my children’s schools or in these schools either.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/education/723244-Sibling-discounts-at-private-schools

I think your sister mis-heard the will as £135k to be split amongst grandchildren.

Both grieve stricken when heard it so understandable why wasn’t picked up.

Yes essentially the money was left for those current GC it still sucks, Yes sister could sell house but really!!!

You all kind of wrote her off having kids as she was older that’s pretty crap!

You need to contact her and be honest, don’t lose a relationship over money!

You need to see it from her side - from her side I would be extremely hurt 😢

You can't seriously suggest she moves to afford it when clearly had she also had kids at the time they would have all been included. Unless you come up with some money for her your relationship will suffer. Her kids could also grow resentful of yours.

It's shit and should have been planned out better by your DF.

This should of been discussed when your father passed away. Do you think your Dsis really didn't understand that if she had children they would get nothing. Your Father put you in a difficult position. It would of been fairer to split everything 50/50 then you spend it how you like, still enough for a decent education. I feel for you both. You can't change it now. I'd be seething if I was your sister but she should of talked about this much sooner, it wasn't a priority until she actually had children. I really hope you can get through this but as I've seen personally, death money always causes problems. Good luck.

You had SO many opportunities to make this right but by not saying anything you were choosing to bury your head in the sand to the advantage of your own and the detriment of your DSis's children.

Honestly I don't know how I could get past this if I was your DSis. You do sound like you feel she has the 'better' end of the stick with her career and nice DP etc, while you're a single mum in a 'less good' house - but if she didn't meet anyone till later then she hardly had a choice about when to have DC. If you never had a conversation with her about whether she thought she'd have DC then yes, YABU for thinking this is ok. And if she's been given the impression that there was money there for 'educating the grandchildren' (not knowing that 'the grandchildren' doesn't extend to her children) then you've been quite disingenuous.

How much is actually left of the inheritance?

I'd be shocked if this is ever answered.

Sadly it is your DF who was at fault. IMO he should have left his assets to be divided equally between his DCs which would have avoided this scenario. I cannot believe that you did not anticipate something like this when you received over 80% of the money and she received less than 20%. There is no way that was fair, whether or not you had DCs. Your father should have been advised to consider the possibility that your Dsis might have DCs later especially as she was only in her 30s. You have a moral obligation, if not a legal one, to share with your sister.

I don’t think your father was unfair, he made the will with the information he had at the time. Your sister was 39 and childless so he wasn’t purposely leaving anyone out.

Although tbh it was up to him to do whatever he wanted to, he didn’t have to be ‘fair’ to anyone or leave any money at all.

I find it very odd that your sister hasn’t brooched the subject with you well beforehand. You’re children are named in the will and surely before now she should brought this up with you.

As it stands now, I can’t see how you can move your children out of school just to please your sister or for the sake of being ‘fair’.

There doesn’t seem like there can be any coming back from this now, unless do what your sister wants and then already part of your ‘half’ of the money has been wasted on a couple of terms/years.