AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Op, if you had this conversation with your sister four years ago, what would your thoughts have been?

I think I can now see why your Dsis wasn't left anything for future grandkids; she'd been saying she didn't want any. I agree she should have said something as soon as she knew she was pregnant, especially if she was in regular contact with you and knew what was happening with the children, you may have been able to do something about it at that point.

But your sister was pregnant when your eldest started at private school? Did you not consider it then?

YANBU. The will stated the money was for your DC. What were you supposed to do? Wait for your sister to complete her family before you split the cash?

Tricky! I think in this circumstance, neither of you are wrong.

You assumed, as stated in the will, the money was left for your children’s education.

Your sis assumed it was for all grandchildren’s education.

What did the will say, grandchildren or specifically your dc? I think it makes a difference.

Your Dad created this mess but I think you conveniently put it out of your mind once your sister got pregnant. Surely you knew this would be an issue.
I would have split the money with my sister for the education of all grandkids - you could have done this once she became pregnant.
It's not fair on your kids to remove them from school now, but I understand your sister's rage.
Not sure how you can come back from this.

It is your DF fault but it’s also your opportunity to put right!

Legally the money can only be spent on your children most likely. From what you describe it suggests that they are beneficiaries to a trust. Morally you sister was foolish to expect provision for her children without even discussing it. It would be good if you to release equity from your home but realistically there was never going to be enough to educate four children so why did she expect hers to be paid for?

It seems the money was left to your children and they were named in the will. If that's correct then it's not your money. However as they were minors then the money must have been put in trust for them, so who were the trustees? The ones who make decisions on behalf of the minors. What were the terms of the trust, was it solely for the education of X and Y. Uniforms seem to be an expense that comes out of the Trust. Op you've made this sound very clear cut but I think that there is much more to this than meets the eye. If a trust was not set up and you had access to £135k to use at your discretion for X and Y then you've really fucked your sister over

People are talking such rubbish here. The beneficiaries of the Will are the OP’s children. It is not the OP’s money, she can’t give it away even if she wanted to.

Whether her DF was wise in how he decided to distribute his assets is a moot point, I completely understand how hurtful this will have been to the DSis, but the OP has no power to fix it.

Maybe the DSis needs to talk to the executor of the estate and have it explained to her.

I'm not being funny but moving your kids would be a hell of a lot less detrimental than remortgaging your house!

If you had to move for your job they might have to move schools - kids move schools all the time. I know it's not what you want but it's crazy to dismiss it out of hand given this awful awful situation.

The OP is a single mum. The idea of clearing out her bank account and remorgaging is ridiculous.

Private school is a luxury - a roof over your head and food on the table is far more important. I think people are getting a bit carried away here

And it's all academic anyway, as several posters have pointed out, the money has been left to her kids not her.

*The person being unreasonable was your dad when he made the will.

Your sister should have addressed this when her child was born, rather than waiting until now.*

^ this. Bit late now isn’t it. I’m afraid you’re going to lose contact with your sister.

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.

If your sisters dc were born before your father died it’s possible he would have split the money. But they wasn’t. He left the money to your dc.

Your dc didn’t have a private primary experience yet she wants that for her dc? So you have to take your dc out of private so hers can go?

Your sister is asking you to choose between your dc and her dc. I know who I’d be choosing if it were me.

Bold fail...

Gosh how awful for your sister and why these days someone might not think that I 39 year old may have children is beyond me.

I think it's just tough shit for your DSis tbh. If your father specifically named your two dc in his will and said that the money was for them, then I don't think you could have made the decision to share the money in any case - it wasn't yours to share.

I get that it must seem very unfair to your dsis, but that's just life sometimes. Her kids will probably do fine in the state sector anyway.

May not have children I mean ..

To be fair to the solicitors they may well have pointed this out to the father but if the client has capacity and makes his decision having been fully advised of the potential consequences they can’t really be blamed.

So so sad unless you pay up I fear your relationship with your sister and her family is over. You must have known deep down you have done her a wrong. Amazed it took her so long to twig though.

I am now thinking the only option I have is to remortgage and release some funds for my sister that way.

That’s all you can do, it’s the only way to salvage the relationship, and you can’t legally spend money left to your dcs

Can you move your kids for 6th form and how much money will that allow you to give your sister? Plenty of people move from private to state for 6th form and do really well. I do think your sister should have mentioned this earlier though when it would have been easier to cut your cloth differently (and you could've also foreseen it). It'd also be worth talking to the school about finances and seeing if any help can be provided. Many have bursaries especially for children already in the school.I think you need to show your sister you're doing everything you can to rectify this.

You're in the wrong here. It was meant for grandchildren and would have been fairly split if they been here when he died surely

Have you seen the will in question as you seem to know it was for 'grandchildren' - if that was the case then how long was op expected to hang around waiting for her sister to have kids, 5, 10 years?

I agree that many people here are giving the OP a hard time. She isn't being selfish, she's just dealing with the hand as dealt. Of course it's unfair, but their Dad left his money how he wanted to. That is not the OP's fault.

I also suspect that Sis isn't anything like as strapped for cash as the Op is. She's had a long career and has a DH. The Op does not.

To clarify, I mean share money left directly to your dcs

The pp who asked what op would have done if she had had a third child - would they have not been given any access to the pot left by their grandfather - makes an interesting point.

I think your df was very poorly advised and you were naive to not have thought about the inequity in terms of inheritance for your sister.

That said, can see that is ludicrous to suggest moving dcs now settled. Would have been better to hold cash really to pay for university fees or extras - more to go around to include other grandchildren and right the wrong of the unfairness of the will.

I have one brother with children and one without. I know that my mothers will leaves money equally to the three of us, regardless of children, because you never know - and it’s jusg fairer.