AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

i don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I think it was somewhat short sighted of your late father, despite meaningful intentions, to leave such a huge sum to your children knowing he had another child. He should have just split the whole amount between you and your sister to do as you see fit.
On a much smaller scale, my grandad left my sister £1000 when he died, he didn’t leave provisional money in case my mum had another child- that’s life.

Legally I think you’re fine to keep the money. Morally, this is far from fine. You can probably assume that your dad would have split the money between all the grandchildren. It was wrong of you to commit to spending the money when she was pregnant.

Did you and your sister not have a conversation when the inheritance was given? It seems odd that you and her wouldn't have discussed what would happen when pre grandchildren came along.

I honestly don't see how you can 'put this right' in your sister's eyes. You followed the will (which she will have been aware named your children as beneficiaries) and she never said anything when she was pregnant. If she'd asked at the time you may have made different choices but she didn't and you can't change your children's schools now.

If the money was specifically gifted to the children in the will, ie they were named and it was specified that it was for their education, then I don't think the OP can actually hand any of it over to her DSis anyway. It won't be her money.

When my late ExFil died, Ex and I only had one DC, who was named. DC2 didn't receive anything under that will when they came along 3 years later. That's how it works.

If your children were named in the will then it’s their money, not yours, and you can’t decide to then split it with anyone else.

Without sounding disrespectful, leaving money in that way was a recipe for disaster. I would imagine your father assumed she would have no children, rather than chose to leave your children £135k and her future children £0. Once she got pregnant this should have occurred to you - and her to be fair. I don’t suppose there’s much you can do about it now but i would be angry too if I were her.

Sadly although £135k is indeed a huge sum of money it is not “more than enough to educate 4 children through secondary”. It is just about enough to educate 2 - and even then not at the most expensive of schools.

That said it’s easy to see why your sister is upset. And it is likely that you will lose her over this.

It’s bizarre though she didn’t ask something sooner - did she not wonder where the money was?

Who was the executor of the will? Are you absolutely clear on the terms? Sounds as though a trust was created. You might want to double check who the beneficiaries of that trust actually are.

You seem confident of your ground though on the will so it’s likely she can’t actually do anything about it legally. It was a bit crass if you to mention school uniform!

"Less than 2 yrs after your ddad died she was pregnant, did it really never occur to you that he would have wanted that money to be split between all his dgcs?l

Agree with @Sausagerollers

You've been incredibly selfish

Your children were 8 and 9 when the inheritance came. 9.5 and 10.5 when your sister fell pregnant. So neither in private school at that point.

It would have been the right thing to halve it then, send dc to state school and use the money for tutors/music or language lessons/university.

Your dad totally fucked that up.
Did he do this on the back of a fag packet?
Based on my experience of willmaking over the years (3 different solicitors) all would absolutely have asked about the other sister having children.

That's even worse as it's your whole parents estate.

I don't think there really is any coming back from it to be honest. I would nt be able to get past the inequality of it or your children benefiting from my parents estate while mine didnt. Especially when you know it wouldn't have been your father's intention.

I wouldn't have paid fir private education but put it aside for university, which is fucking expensive.

Then there would be enough to pay for sister's kids university too, I think.
But not private normal education.

That’s £33,500 per child and will get you less than three years at secondary. Unless it is very well invested for growth and nothing taken out to pay for current fees.

It’s actually £51k per child when you add the £35k each sister also got.

Private schools in my very expensive city range from £5k per year to £15k per year so let’s go down the middle and say £10K per year for 5 years. Thats £50k per child.

Let’s also factor in that private schools pretty much always offer a substantial sibling discount, and that lots of the uniform bought for the first child can be reused for the second.

How was there not enough money for all 4?

I think it is beyond all belief that it didn’t occur to OP that, when her sister fell pregnant within a couple of years of her dad dying, she ought to make plans for that money to be shared. Maybe other people view their families differently to me, but I would NEVER have disregarded my own sister’s children in this way.

Your father was very, very unfair. The money should have been split between you two and he should have known you'd know his opinion on the importance of education.

Wow.

Whoever advised your dad really let your whole family down. A decent solicitor should have pointed out he was making a big asumption that someone on their thirties would never have children.

While legally your are right (assuming the will is drafted as you have stated), this money was just left to your children, you must see morally how unfair this was.

If this was me I would have discussed it with my sister as soon as we saw dad had made such a heroic assumption, to make sure any new grandchildren were treated fairly. Because this is incredibly unfair.

I assume she will take legal advice to ensure there was no provision in the will for future grandchildren. If I was in your position I would be thinking about what I could do to at least put some of the money towards the other grandchildren.

I don’t doubt had there been the 4 grandchildren at the time he died it would have been split

Indeed.

Your poor sister.

If you had had another child in the last 6 years would you have saved a third of the inheritance for them, or blown it on your two eldest as your father had left it to them alone?

Your dad left it to YOUR children not hers.

Ignore her and get on with supporting your children as best you can.

I’m not a probate lawyer but it sounds a fair point that if your children were personally named then it would not be open to you to give her children any money even if you still had it.

Very ill thought through.

OP, I don't think you've behaved as badly as some people are making out. At the point where you were making the decision about how best to spend the money for your children's education, they were the only grandchildren. You can't plan on the basis of whether someone else might or might not have children in the future, and as you say, the money had clearly been given to your two.

I do think that at the point where your sister fell pregnant it would have been sensible to have a conversation about hopes and expectations so that you could both have worked out a better way forward than this. It's definitely not fair to pull your children out of their schools now, or for her to have expected that there was enough for all the grandchildren to be at private school the whole time.

One possibility is that by the time her children are secondary age, yours will be out of education altogether and be financially independent. Maybe you could offer to contribute towards her children's schooling then? But it's hard to just make money come out of nowhere.

Better communication several years ago would have been great. Right now I don't think you have any good options.

She’s being ridiculous. The money was left to your children who were known to him, not some imaginary children yet to be born. Surely the terms of the will were clear on this?

I would be with your sister and i guess you now have no sister if you dont rectify it in some way

Depending on the will though, OP may not have much choice.

If the money was left to OP with an expression of wishes to use it for education of X and Y kids, then I think those wishes are not binding so she could give some to her sister.

But if the money was left to X and Y in trust for their education, she simply isn’t allowed to use it to pay for A and B.

I agree with you OP. The money was left for your children. Not hers. You don't owe her anything. She might not speak to you again but that's her choice, she knows what it said in the Will.