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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2019 21:08

I would not accept the swearing but the rest of it seems pretty par for the course

formerbabe · 29/01/2019 21:09

I don't get the issue. Your 21 year old DD is often out working and socialising? Sounds pretty normal. What's the problem?

SoyDora · 29/01/2019 21:11

I’ve read this a few times and apart from the swearing I can’t see what the issue is?

AppleKatie · 29/01/2019 21:13

I feel a bit sorry for your DD here. She’s feeling crappy and you decide it’s a good time to have a dig at her?

Jackyjill6 · 29/01/2019 21:16

Are you missing your partner being around, so are noticing what she is doing more?

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 29/01/2019 21:17

I can’t really understand what you’re moaning about. You’ve actually been quite rotten to her when she’s feeling poorly and more or less said you’re looking for her to move out.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 29/01/2019 21:18

I think you might be a bit U. I guess you're missing DP and a bit raw, maybe?

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:18

I think I'd like her to grow up a bit and realise the amount of support she gets at home. (When she was at university she'd need to shop and cook for herself etc etc..)

It's just infantile/stupid - no matter how nasty a cough you have - not to turn the heating on when you come home early on a cold day. Yes, you mightn't do this if you had a high fever or were dangerously ill - but you should be able to flick a switch on thermostat otherwise.

And if somebody else who has been out at work comes back and cooks dinner for you, then you should be grateful.

She's 21 not 11. Obviously there are people who like to run round after their adult children, but my patience is getting worn thin..

OP posts:
waterandlemonjuice · 29/01/2019 21:19

Blumey it could be so much worse, she doesnt sound awful to me so i think youre overreacting

waterandlemonjuice · 29/01/2019 21:20

And in our house you dont put the heating on, you get a jumper

YABVU

CrazyOldBagLady · 29/01/2019 21:27

It's infantile and stupid not to turn the heating on? I'm baffled by this one I'm afraid.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/01/2019 21:28

She's working hard and has managed to get an internship and a traineeship in a tough employment environment, she's cooked you lunch on a Saturday, doesn't turn on extra heating and waste your money if she doesn't feel the need, and she barely swears unless she's feeling ill and her mum has a pretty unjustified go at her. On the plus side, you seem to have raised a decent human being, on the downside you are now being quite unreasonable.

Barring extra kids or disabilities you haven't mentioned, it can't be that hard to keep house for 2 adults one of whom is always out. Give the poor girl a break.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2019 21:31

I have the opposite problem. My grown up children constantly whack the heating up to furnace level, have at least 3 showers a day, use every towel in the house and go out leaving the place looking like Blackpool illuminations all day

And you think it is "infantile and stupid" to not fire the heating up during the day time ?

Blimey

scaryteacher · 29/01/2019 21:34

I know exactly what you mean OP. It's like having a teenager at home again when they are supposed to be all adult. I think whoever coined the term kidult had it about right.

Purpleartichoke · 29/01/2019 21:34

I’ve seen plenty of posts where the parents are unhappy with the young adults running the heat too often. Are you sure she could have won on this one?

yearinyearout · 29/01/2019 21:35

I get where you’re coming from OP. YANBU. The reason she’s feeling crappy is through burning the candle both ends, which is self inflicted, and she couldn’t be arsed to turn the heating on. I think the trouble is when they’ve lived away, they can become selfish (and thoughtless, and entitled...) so it’s hard to adjust to being back in the family home (not just for her, but you too) so you probably need to have a chat about expectations when you’ve both slept on it.

formerbabe · 29/01/2019 21:37

You sound nuts to be honest.

I often don't put the heating on if I'm home alone because I think it's a waste of money. I wear my dressing gown over my clothes.

Did she want you to cook for her? She's an adult...if you don't want to cook for her, then don't. I'm sure she'll manage.

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:39

Well it's snowing here and the temperature in the house was down to 15 degrees and she was lying on the sofa shivering - clearly cold.

She could have course have gone and had a hot bath or retreated to bed or put on extra layers of clothing. But she didn't

It seems incompetent in the way that it is incompetent not to make a drink when you're thirsty or eat when you're hungry.

She's not bad generally, but she does need to learn to be an adult, because it's going to be a lot harder for her than it is now when she starts on her training. (Longer commute, no meals cooked for her, no washing done for her.)

I really don't feel I should get down on my knees and thank the gods because she's managed to cook one meal in 9 days (with me having bought the ingredients for her.)

I suppose she'll work it out for herself ultimately - but a steer in the right direction won't hurt either. More easily done when she starts feeling a bit better of course.

OP posts:
Jiggeriepokerie · 29/01/2019 21:39

Seriously, you don't know how lucky you are! I've read nothing that suggests your daughter is being unreasonable. She sounds completely normal to me! Or maybe I'm the abnormal one who likes to cut my hardworking, hard partying 20 year old daughter a bit of slack when she's feeling crappy (self-inflicted or not).

Sarah22xx · 29/01/2019 21:41

I'm glad my mum doesn't get a shitty attitude like that with me tbh, your daughter sounds like a pleasant enough human being. She apologised for her behaviour. Draw a lone now.

SingaSong12 · 29/01/2019 21:42

Yanbu about the swearing- I’m confused by the heating issue.
Was she complaining about being cold or did she know you were home earlier than normal or did you ask her to turn it on? If not why would she put the heating on

formerbabe · 29/01/2019 21:44

If she's cold and hasn't put the heating on...who cares? Seriously, let her be cold.

If she's hungry or thirsty, let her sort herself out.

She's an adult... she'll manage.

Pickled0nion · 29/01/2019 21:46

She could have course have gone and had a hot bath or retreated to bed or put on extra layers of clothing. But she didn't

I don’t understand why you have a problem with this.

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:52

It's the lack of ability to care for herself. The helpless (infantile) waiting till Mum gets back and sort everything.

Mum who will make the house warm. Mum who will cook the dinner. Mum who will be unconditionally nice to her precious baby.

Sighs.

Tomorrow. Another day.

OP posts:
speakout · 29/01/2019 21:52

Sounds like you need to work on the relationship OP.

Before it's too late.