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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/01/2019 06:26

Poor DD! I’d be moving out at the first opportunity.

You sound miserable to live with OPquite honestly.

You need to work on making sure you have a relationship when she does leave home.

forumdonkey · 30/01/2019 06:41

She could have course have gone and had a hot bath or retreated to bed or put on extra layers of clothing. But she didn't

Why do I feel that if she had done this you would have complained that when you got home she had had a bath and was in bed.

If you want to treat her like an independent adult, stop cooking for her. Tbh she sounds like a young adult child. She's 21 and works and goes out with friends. You'd have bigger issues if she didn't work or leave the house.

Original poster
themilkmansrabbit · 30/01/2019 08:34

So my conclusion from reading some of your helpful responses must be.

  1. I am insufficiently loving. Proper mothers at all times adore their adult children being ill - even when such illnesses partly spring self-neglect - because it is a chance for them to drop everything step back into a mother-baby role where they can do lots of cosseting and pampering and feel all-important and wanted. (In fact there are times when I am willing to step back into this role and enjoy being needed by an adult child who has suddenly become more affectionate. Last night was not one of these times.

Conclusion 1. As a result of my having been insufficiently loving when I got home last night, my daughter will go no contact with me and this will be no more than I deserve. She will also join an internet forum where she can post about her toxic childhood and everybody will be very happy. Result!

  1. At the same time I have far been too slack. My efforts to get her to contribute have been whollly insufficient. A properly brought-up daughter, would have done her own cooking, shopping and laundry since puberty. So that doing these things when she has her first sustained experience of full time employment (albeit unpaid) and while feeling unwell, would be no problem. If I come back and find that she's been lying on the sofa shivering in a cold, dark house, this is simultaneously a) a perfectly rational adult choice which I must respect by ignoring her totally - otherwise she will rightly go no contact with me And b) all my fault.

Conclusion 2. Thanks to Mumsnet. I now see the error of my ways. I am a miserable sinner and there is no worth in me...

OP posts:
Pickled0nion · 30/01/2019 08:58

Smile I think sometimes MN can feel like that Flowers

Why don’t you tell us what’s really going on? Whats the impact of your boyfriend being away? Do you like your DD?

Original poster
themilkmansrabbit · 30/01/2019 09:10

Hello Onion!

What's really going on? Well, I suppose that changes from day to day.

It is unusual for my partner to be away for as long as he is. It's a sort of treat/adventure for him which is also a part study trip. His father died at the end of last year, so he no longer needs to structure life around care home visits. He's doing the trip now because Brexit might screw things up later.

Inevitably things are slightly harder work with him away as we split most household chores between us. Plus, there's no totally adult company in the house.

And, of course I like and love my daughter. A lot of the time she's great. But she is having to do some adjusting of her own. Her life has changed since she left university and a lot of her friends are now scattered. She ended a relationship with someone who was her first serious boyfriend. She's doing her best to deal with it all independently - but fluctuates between wanting to hold me at a distance and not being communicative (as a necessary part of growing up), but also wanting me to be there/for me to look after her as if she was still at school as that gives her a sense of continuity/security.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 30/01/2019 09:11

You are sounding even more ridiculous now OP with that petulant response.

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 09:17

It sounds like she just irritates you because she sounds like my 20 somethings working out /working out... and lying about being dramtic is jusy annoying you were right to be annoyed but meh she is a grown up if she wants to lie around ill let her.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/01/2019 09:19

I have 21yo DD. When she is home from uni she always feels out of lace at home. She is never sure what the expectations are as she goes from being fully independent to the family home where she has for the most part been cared for by me. It can be a hard transition. It was the same with my older DD when she came home for a year after uni.

I learned to just let them do what they want to do and not really interfere. DD1 rarely puts the heating on at home as she is so used to not putting it on in her uni flat and being slightly cold most of the time. It takes he a while to realise we can afford to have it on and be warm.

Your DD sounds perfectly normal. It just needs a bit of adjustment for you both. By September you will both be glad she is going!

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 09:20

Caring for your daughter is just kind though you don't have to run about after her tail but it sounds like you expect her to be emotionally independent from you.

BlancheM · 30/01/2019 09:25

The first thing you said was that things are harder around the house as your DP is away. That your DD has cooked you one meal. Your DD cannot be relied on to fill a partner/adult role.
She really isn't doing anything wrong. You need to find fulfilment in other ways which aren't dependant on your daughter.

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 30/01/2019 09:30

This is a genuine question, doesn't the fact that the vast majority of posters think you are being very unreasonable, give you cause for thought?

You sound really resentful and bitter (particularly your last ridiculously sarcastic and martyr like post) - is there anything else going on?

I really feel for your DD. Your attitude as well as your actions will drive her away.

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 30/01/2019 09:32

"Mum who will be unconditionally nice to her precious baby." This in particular is so mean, bitter and sarcastic. I genuinely can't imagine thinking this way - and I have a DD who knackers herself going out and doesn't always display common sense! It's small stuff in the grand scheme of things, life will be hard for this generation and i don't begrudge her.

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 09:35

I just read your sarcastic post are you always so angry ? Posters were saying your Dd was normal nobody was having a go at you

OnTheFrow · 30/01/2019 09:41

Do you even like your daughter?

TwoGinScentedTears · 30/01/2019 09:42

Or the third way....chill, Winston.

Lighten up, everything will seem better then.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/01/2019 09:48

Sounds par for the course to me. If you don't want to put up with it - and I personally wouldn't - get her to live somewhere else, shes an adult now!

Northernparent68 · 30/01/2019 09:54

If the issue is she expects you to turn the heating on and cook for her, stop doing it. If she’s dependent upon you, you ve taught her to be dependent.

ittakes2 · 30/01/2019 09:55

Sorry I don't see the issue either! She's an adult and if she doesn't want the heating on early its a non issue for me! Would not even cross my mind. It sounds like you don't really want her around. I actually feel sorry for her. She sounds nice - she actually apologised after swearing - sadly I think there are many 21 years olds who wouldn't.

ThatBadgerThread · 30/01/2019 10:04

You asked a question. You didn’t like the answer, so you attack and belittle the people who posted?

The reason you are being unreasonable is that her behaviour doesn’t affect you in any way. Your daughter’s punishment for not turning on the heating is being cold. Her punishment got not eating us being hungry. That’s for her to learn by. Why even get involved?

pallasathena · 30/01/2019 10:06

Give the OP a break.... she's fed up that's all! Some of you are so judgemental....

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 10:10

Oh we are aware she is fed up she has made that quite clear !

Sparklesocks · 30/01/2019 10:14

Unfortunately the risk of posting on AIBU is that people might tell you that YABU. It sounds a bit like you and your DD have different ways of doing things. I think posters were a bit confused as you seemed annoyed that she hadn't put the heating on to benefit herself - and as it had no impact on you either way people didn't know why it affected you so much.
It seems like you're missing your DP which I get, mine travels a lot too.

But sarcastic posts like the above don't really help.

Alondonleerie · 30/01/2019 10:20

Inevitably things are slightly harder work with him away as we split most household chores between us. Plus, there's no totally adult company in the house.
It's not actually that hard looking after yourself though, is it? That's a bit of a non excuse. You sound rather petulant and highly strung, OP.

Original poster
themilkmansrabbit · 30/01/2019 10:21

I think my daughter does need to have the experience of living somewhere else - not just home or in her old university accommodation.

But to do that before September she'll need to make some plans when her internship comes to an end. I suspect she doesn't quite know what she wants and how to make it happen. It may be that when her current work stops she'll be a bit easier to have about, because she'll have time to start exploring possibilities/making things happen.

So it's a bit different from living with an adult child when they actually have a more longterm job. There may still be irritations which need to be sorted. People often post about this, and I find that interesting. But in that scenario. the son or daughter has a bit of structure

When my partner's about, there's just a bit more steadiness and routine - so it's easier to deal with times when my daughter is more volatile. The dynamic when it's just the two of us is inevitably rather different. Naturally, I've got my own work and am going out/seeing friends etc. But I suppose as a caring - yes, really - parent, I'm also spending a bit of time thinking about her. And some of those questions are:-

  • Will she be at home? Will she message me to say she's out? (She normally do this?)
  • What sort of mood will she be in? Talkative? Or not?
  • Is she alright? Should I ask or leave it?

So at the moment it is slightly like when people live with someone who is sometimes very preoccupied after work (say with gaming). Who's not that brilliant about household chores. Who sometimes comes home moody and knackered and grumpy. But who at other times - often when it's not terribly convenient, because you've got so used to switching off/expecting nothing from them - will demand intimacy/attention/engagement and want you to be fun.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 30/01/2019 10:25

Sounds like you're getting under each other's feet a bit and it's making you pick at things.

From your post I can't understand the issue - she works, she goes out with her friends a lot... Sounds very healthy and normal to me? And surely that's better than her being at home all the time because she's got no job and no friends.

Stop worrying about how she'll cope when she leaves. If she's able to work she'll be absolutely fine, life is all about learning.