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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 30/01/2019 12:57

I quite like mummying my adult dc when they are ill (guilty secret)

They quite like it too!😳

Namestheyareachangin · 30/01/2019 13:10

@themilkmansrabbit

How does your DD behave differently when your partner is home?

As an aside your written manner is really peculiar. Not the unwonted sarkiness, but the sort of excessively itemising and analytical way you talk about pure domesticity... it's like a robot trying to write the script of a soap opera. Do you find it difficult to relate to your DD when she is asking for your emotional rather than your practical input?

Tbh in your last post it sounds like you are expecting quid pro quo emotionally, which I don't really understand. Yes, she should pull her weight at home, yes she should be courteous e.g. let you know her plans and make sure they fit in with yours, pop the heating on if she knows you're coming home etc. But in terms of emotional support, it's you who should be there for her, not the other way around. Yes sometimes she'll be feeling OK and wander off and do her own thing. Other times she'll have a wobble and need her mum. The job of the parent is to be self-sufficient in themselves and act as a support to their child as they pick their way to (and through) adulthood.

sollyfromsurrey · 30/01/2019 13:30

Christ OP, you put something on MN, don't like the replies so formulate long winded petulant posts and display juvenile tendencies. I wonder where your DD gets it from.

SilverySurfer · 30/01/2019 15:01

WTF do you care if she put the heating on or not if she was the only person in the house? If she wants to lie on the sofa shivvering that's completely up to her. Bizarre thing to get worked up about.

You obviously don't like the replies on here so remember next time: if you don't want to know, don't ask.

You can carry on with your flounce now.

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2019 15:47

I'm nearly 51 and 'self neglect', as you would put it, when I'm overtired or being lazy.

We don't all have to follow the same self discipline habits.

My youngest is 21, I'm mindful of not being a Parent and commenting on what she eats or spends her money on. If she hasn't made the mess, I don't expect her to clean it.

What I see as the issue with some Parents is not allowing their children to be totally separate from them and follow a different path.

She shouldn't be making up for your DP not being there.

She's leading her own life and not encroaching on yours. She might be a bit thoughtless at times, but she isn't a Mum, who thinks ahead about what others might need. Which is totally normal.

SoyDora · 30/01/2019 15:51

Yes, I’m 34 with 3 children under 6 and sometimes I ‘self neglect’ and don’t get enough sleep, lie on the sofa under a blanket and eat takeaway instead of cooking 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mmmhmmm · 30/01/2019 16:33

OP: AIBU
MN: YABU
OP: No, I'm not, now I'm going to mock you like the mature adult I'm not.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Mmmhmmm · 30/01/2019 16:35

You sound like you're cut from the same cloth as my MIL, whose childminder once said she wasn't the mothering kind and shouldn't have had kids.

saoirse31 · 30/01/2019 16:50

To be fair op your daughter sounds fine. You, getting annoyed beause she hadn't turned on the heating, sound slightly hard work. Also she is an adult, but that does not mean that she has to act exactly the way you think she should.

pallasathena · 30/01/2019 17:33

Bring bag tarring and feathers why don't you?
There are some nasty, vindictive, miserable sods on this thread...

BackforGood · 30/01/2019 19:06

You must be reading a different thread from me Pallasathena Hmm

Batteriesallgone · 30/01/2019 22:45

You sound like you're cut from the same cloth as my MIL, whose childminder once said she wasn't the mothering kind and shouldn't have had kids.

Fucking hell. This is an awful thing to say.

pallasathena · 31/01/2019 10:34

BackforGood
That's both disingenuous and passive aggressive .

bigredmachine · 31/01/2019 11:08

pallas if you're sincerely reading this thread in the way you claim, you're literally a moron. HTH.

bigredmachine · 31/01/2019 11:14

Not a moron, that was harsh. A fool.

pallasathena · 31/01/2019 11:20

Sad...

Maddy70 · 31/01/2019 11:25

Honestly I am failing to see what she's doing wrong here...

QforCucumber · 31/01/2019 11:36

When she swore at you was it something like 'FFS Mum just leave me alone?' Because I can see that from what you've said.

bigredmachine · 31/01/2019 11:58

@pallasathena perhaps you could explain your opinions, since they're clearly at odds with everyone except the mad OP.

pallasathena · 31/01/2019 12:02

..And we mustn't have our own opinions? There is such a thing as freedom of speech in a democracy....perhaps you didn't know that?

Ribbonsonabox · 31/01/2019 12:03

I think you're being a bit harsh tbh. Shes 21 not 30. And it does sound like she has her life together more than most 21 year olds! It sounds like you dont really like her very much so I can see why she would be hurt.

StreetwiseHercules · 31/01/2019 12:07

I think it’s perfectly ok for 21 year olds to swear, and to swear back at them.

It’s a good indication of a relationship changing from parent/child to adult/adult.

Fazackerley · 31/01/2019 12:08

I came home yesterday to my 19 year old lying on the sofa under a duvet watching Netflix and feeling sorry for herself. There was no food in the house apparently Hmm

I made her lunch and a cup of tea and she was lovely all afternoon. I must say I did sigh inwardly on my way to the kitchen.

bigredmachine · 31/01/2019 12:11

@pallasathena oh dear.

  1. I'm not sure how you got "don't share your opinion" from me asking you to explain your opinion.

  2. Freedom of Speech is an American concept, and relates to the government infringing on speech. Posts on a private European message board don't count.

So, are you going to explain to everyone why this daughter is a literal nightmare? Or just keep throwing inane accusations at me?

pallasathena · 31/01/2019 12:13

Oh dear....
Have a nice day.