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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
Pickled0nion · 29/01/2019 21:55

But you didn’t have to make everything ok. This isa very puzzling thread. I’m wondering what the real problem is.

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:55

Oh I'll miss her when she goes.

But it's in the nature of things that they should go...

And we get on well enough most of the time.

Ever heard of tough love? Not necessarily mega-tough, but just a tiny bit tough sometimes so that young person engages brain and thinks and grows.

OP posts:
LordVoldetort · 29/01/2019 21:57

I’m not really sure what you are fed up with other than the swearing?
Don’t want to run about after your adult daughter then don’t. You don’t have to tell her to put a layer of clothing on, she’ll do that herself at some point. If she asks you to get her a coat you just tell her to get up and do it herself. It doesn’t seem by your Op that she asked you for food when you got in, you just did it? If you want her to be an adult then start acting like she is one.
Work and socialising is a normal thing for a 21y/o

speakout · 29/01/2019 21:58

I'm not sure what she has done wrong OP.

Letitgo2018 · 29/01/2019 21:58

I don't know why you are having such a hard time Op. I think if adults live at home again, they should behave like adults both in helping out and behaviour. Swearing at you and arguing isn't very nice, and you should alternate the cooking.
It's Ops house - it's not easy to live with adult children unless you get on very well.

elibee · 29/01/2019 21:58

I think you're just looking for something to moan about.

I'm an adult with 3 kids, a house and a job and I still sometimes sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself because I'm hungry or thirsty but I can't be arsed getting up and going to the kitchen to get a snack or a drink.

Isth · 29/01/2019 21:58

You sound more ridiculous the more you post. Stop being such a martyr. So what if she was cold, it didn’t affect you so why do you care? 21 years old and out often, either at work or socialising, stop press!!

NutElla5x · 29/01/2019 21:59

She was wrong to swear at you,but I came on here expecting to read a lot worse. I get the feeling that you are a bit of a nag op and she obviously feels that too.

gottachangethename1 · 29/01/2019 21:59

Sounds very much like my 21 year old dd except mine very rarely cooks for me (although she does for herself but she eats too late for me). Think you have to pick your battles tbh.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/01/2019 22:01

Mum who will make the house warm. Mum who will cook the dinner. Mum who will be unconditionally nice to her precious baby.

Poor girl certainly didn't get the unconditional niceness though, did she? The heating went on automatically anyway, and she didn't ask you to cook dinner. You sound mean, even in your own version - I wonder what her side would sound like.

tillytrotter1 · 29/01/2019 22:02

I made her some food

Er, why if she had leftwork early?

adaline · 29/01/2019 22:02

Why does it matter to you if she came home early and didn't put the heating on? If she wanted it on, she'd have put it on - it really has absolutely nothing to do with you! And why did you make her food? If she's hungry she can cook for herself, can't she?

As for the rest - she's 21 and spends most of her time working or out with friends? Isn't that normal?

It sounds very much you like over-react and she's absolutely fed up with it.

ladybee28 · 29/01/2019 22:02

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

I've got to be honest, I'm pretty fed up with you already....

What's your partner being away got to do with anything – other than maybe your daughter staying out of the house as much as possible when it's just you and her because you disapprove of perfectly normal behaviour so much...?

SoyDora · 29/01/2019 22:02

But why does it matter to you whether she puts the heating on or not? If she was that cold she’d have done it. I don’t get it.

buckingfrolicks · 29/01/2019 22:03

Bloody hell. She sounds fine. You sound rather, hmmm, unfeeling. She felt ill and wanted her mum to look after her. Seems rather reasonable to me, at 21.

I bet she used a swear word rather than called you a swear word too. As in "I don't fucking care" as opposed to "you're a fucking mean mum"

Batteriesallgone · 29/01/2019 22:06

You’re coming across as a bit of a control freak tbh.

BlueCornishPixie · 29/01/2019 22:06

I'm with the majority of posters. I really don't understand what she did wrong. I wouldn't put the heating on in my mum's house, and I generally wouldn't put it on if it was just me. I'm not incapable/stupid, I don't actually always eat when I'm hungry or drink when I'm thirsty either. As an adult I can normally put up with a bit of discomfort, I will eat/drink/get warm at some point. She's hardly going to die at 15 degrees, it's literally just some discomfort.

It sounds like you are projecting a lot, you are spoiling for a fight. And you used an opportunity where she was feeling ill to kick her while she's down.

Lumene · 29/01/2019 22:09

It sounds as though you have specific expectations about how your daughter should behave when she stays with you that she is likely unaware of.

If you want her to be an adult, she has to be free to make her on choices and mistakes about heating etc

ketteringtownfc · 29/01/2019 22:09

If you feel she isn't doing her fair share around the house, it's fair enough to say that she does her own washing and alternating the cooking (or she does her own), but the examples you've given of not turning the heating on and being out a lot are nothing to do with that.

When you say 'engage brain', what do you actually mean? What do you think she should change about her behaviour? I'm not having a go, I'm just curious.

BlueCornishPixie · 29/01/2019 22:09

Also I don't understand why your partner being away has anything to do with your daughter being out?

21 is for living life, it's perfectly normal at 21 to work and socialise and not stop. That's what being 21 is for. She will recharge when she needs to.

Crunched · 29/01/2019 22:11

Mum who will make the house warm. Mum who will cook the dinner. Mum who will be unconditionally nice to her precious baby.
Simple parenting things...
I see it as a privilege that my young adult children sometimes still turn to me and think “Mum can make me feel better”

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 29/01/2019 22:11

Honestly, I think she was pretty restrained if she only swore at you once. I'm sure you're a nice enough person normally but you're coming across as a bit of a twat here. If she wanted the heating on, she'd have put it on. If she was hungry enough, she'd have cooked. Did she ask you to make her dinner? I'm guessing not. You're clearly spoiling for a fight with her. I think you're the one who needs to grow up a bit.

Ellisandra · 29/01/2019 22:13

What on earth rattled your cage?!

I’m totally flummoxed by the heating thing.

It doesn’t sound like she waited for you to walk in to say “oh mum I’m soooooo cold, you have to fix it”?!

I get that you might see her shivering and think “have you no got the sense you were born with? Hmm” - but for that to spill out into this level of irritation is... curious!

I’m also curious as to why it’s hard work with your boyfriend away. Doesn’t sound like you have other younger kids to manage alone?

Honestly, you just sound like you don’t like her - or got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!

ADropofReality · 29/01/2019 22:13

She's 21 but you treat her like a little girl and talk to her like a little girl (and talk about her on this thread like she's a little girl), nagging and condescending. One day she will follow your expressed desire and move out, and will probably go NC, and this will be your fault.

pollypockett · 29/01/2019 22:15

You sound horrible. I feel sorry for your daughter. You don’t seem pleasant to be around at all