Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
Halloumimuffin · 30/01/2019 10:29

A 21 year old who DOESN'T whack the heating up to full as soon as they get to their parent's house, and who DOESN'T clear out the fridge as soon as they get peckish? And you're complaining?

She's at a hard stage, navigating becoming an adult while still being at home, missing her old freedom and friends. The first years after uni are a really hard time and a massive comedown into the real world, you should cut her some slack. Several of my friends ended up with depression after the rush of the uni years were over.

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 10:30

Sounds like you're getting under each other's feet a bit and it's making you pick at things.

I think once you wade through this is the crux of it they are annoying each other about not much

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 30/01/2019 10:42

I asked before and am genuinely interested as to whether the majority view that you are being unreasonable, has changed your view?

And if you genuinely disregard this and are convinced you are being reasonable, why did you post?

Howlovely · 30/01/2019 10:47

It sounds like you are really over-analysing this. Of course none of us knows all the ins and outs of you relationship or living situation but I have to agree with the other posters who fail to see a problem here.

You appear rather over-invested in your adult daughter's life. You raised her to be like this and you seem to be surprised at how she is behaving. It sounds like you may have what you think is a helpful personality but it could perhaps come across as slightly interfering to others. It makes absolutely no difference to your life if your daughter put the heating on or sat in the cold. You decided on her behalf that it was a problem. You need to think about your expectations of your daighter while she's living back with you. When I moved back home for a short spell we'd pretty much live separately, I did my thing and my parents did theirs, including mealtimes. Mum would ask if I was around for dinner and I'd say either yes please or no thanks and would sort myself out. They certainly wouldn't decide that I was too cold and tell me they can't wait for me to move out because I decided against putting the heating on when I was the only one in the house! You are being the overbearing parent, not her being a helpless child.

BlancheM · 30/01/2019 10:50

You sound incredibly needy. Maybe you are not, but it comes across that way. You keep referring to your partner offering more stability and routine...what's that got to do with the price of fish? Why do you need him there to navigate your relationship with your own child?

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/01/2019 10:59

I really don’t get what your problem is

20year old student acting like 20year old student.

I think you have an issue with your partner being away. I think you probably rely on him to do lots of things to keep things going and for company which I think you were hoping your dd would step in and fill the role of your dp but she has her own life and I think that is what the main issue is.

If the heating doesn’t come on till 6pm and you come home earlier to a cold house I can’t understand the problem

pineapplebryanbrown · 30/01/2019 10:59

Your daughter sounds fantastic.

Original poster
themilkmansrabbit · 30/01/2019 11:08

I was explaining my underlying thought processes - which only surface intermittently - because some posters had decided I was a uncaring, cold and indifferent mother.

However, having done so it now emerges that I am actually over-invested and needy.

I think the main thing I must take from this is to be glad that other people are not like me, and do know how to parent. I celebrate you all and thank you for your wise words.

Peace, love, prosecco, ham and nice biscuits to everybody.

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 30/01/2019 11:09

Proper mothers at all times adore their adult children being ill
You're really not listening. They're saying you don't need to cosset her, she didn't ask for it and as you say is a young adult and has looked after herself at uni. It sounds like you've brought up a nice young person who maybe regresses a bit when at home or sick, just like even older adults do. Chill out, listen to her and maybe listen to the advice that you did come on to the internet to ask for.

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 11:15

You are still being defensive and sarcastic people are trying to understand and help you and maybe a bit straight to the point, but you are being far to dramatic and defensive to read what posters are saying.

anitagreen · 30/01/2019 11:28

I'm so glad your not my mum as I would be NC by now, are you jealous that she has a life outside of the house away from you?

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 11:35

Awww OP you're not a bad parent, there are various changes in your life and you're just having a wobble getting used to them and reacting them. We all have these issues in our life at one time or another. If we're reflective we look at what's going on and adjust when we're misfiring or misdirecting our frustrations (which is what you're doing). It doesn't feel good to admit it to ourselves but it's better than always assuming our feelings are justified.

scaryteacher · 30/01/2019 11:36

TheMilkMansRabbit As I said upthread, I know exactly where you are coming from, as I have my 23 year old ds living at home for the first time in 6 years, as he was away at sixth form, and then 4 years of university. He oscillates between treating the place as an hotel and wanting to be a part of the family dynamic. It's taking some adjusting for all of us, but we are getting there slowly. He can't decide whether he is an adult or a teenager at times and it is very frustrating.

Just take a deep breath, and have some chocolate. This too will pass.

primoestate · 30/01/2019 11:49

OP. Your daughter sounds normal.....totally normal. Cut her some slack and enjoy her depending on you sometimes. Honestly, you'll miss her and all you do for her when she's left home completely.
Take a deep breath, find some chocolate and share it with her. Keep your bonds strong with her at this changing time in life and you'll find you (eventually) have a friend in her.

crimsonlake · 30/01/2019 11:56

You are a strange one, why you posted on here leaves me puzzled as you will not accept that what is wrong here is your attitude.
Reading between the lines you are full of resentment that your partner is away and you are at home having to go to work and carry out the usual routines.
How lucky you are... to have a partner, reading between the lines he does a lot around the home, as your writing comes across as you are now weighted down with the task of running the home and holding the fort when there is just you and now your daughter? Who basically sounds like every other young person and is enjoying and getting on with her life.
Are you ever happy, do you always look on the black side?
You come home and the heating is not on, she is unwell and has not made dinner?? The majority of people would have been pleased for the electricity being saved. Start being thankful for all the good things you have in your life.

Tighnabruaich · 30/01/2019 12:11

She seems very young for a 21 year old. I don't understand all this babying of adult children. I feel for you themilkmansrabbit*

Tighnabruaich · 30/01/2019 12:12

bold fail

SistersResistingTheCisThing · 30/01/2019 12:17

"Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?"

MN: A resounding No.

OP: Acts like sarcastic petulant child herself.

Hmm
StormTreader · 30/01/2019 12:23

You seem really determined to pick a fight - you tried to with your DD, that didn't work, so now you're here trying to get a good row going with MN people instead.

Claudia1980 · 30/01/2019 12:32

Honestly you sound awful. I think you have the problem, not your daughter.

Alondonleerie · 30/01/2019 12:38

I think the main thing I must take from this is to be glad that other people are not like me
Believe me, a lot of ppl reading this thread are probably in total agreement... Grin

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2019 12:45

I think the main thing I must take from this is to be glad that other people are not like me, and do know how to parent. I celebrate you all and thank you for your wise words.

So - you post on MN and the majority of posters don't agree with you (I don't either), so out comes the sarcasm.

If you want sympathy, ring your partner. I'm sure he'll know what's expected of him.

ReflectentMonatomism · 30/01/2019 12:48

OP: AIBU?

AIBU massive: Yes

OP: You're all wrong.

Batteriesallgone · 30/01/2019 12:49

Yeah OP sounds a bit lonely tbh.

changeofnameonceagain · 30/01/2019 12:55

I get both sides, however, you seem to be incredibly harsh on your DD who sounds like she has her life very much together compared to a lot of others her age!

Not putting the heating on or laying around all day, not working, not contributing, etc...

It’s hard but try not to take your own issues out on her, she doesn’t sound that bad.