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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

165 replies

themilkmansrabbit · 29/01/2019 21:07

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 31/01/2019 12:16

God OP. Lighten up. Open a bottle of wine or spark up a joint or something. You sound utterly grumpy and miserable.

goldengummybear · 31/01/2019 12:27

It's nice having things done for you. If someone made me lunch right now that would be amazing.

Cast your mind back to what she was like last time that she lived with you. If she didn't make you meals and switch on the heating, why would you expect her to do it now?

Personally I think that she's the perfect age for going out a lot as long as she's not puking on carpets or skipping work and other responsibilities obviously. You are obviously comparing her to your partner which is unhelpful. Was she in school accommodation? The heating is on constantly so you open a window/turn off the radiator for temperature control. I have the opposite problem with my kids- they turn the thermostat to max.

I think that the 2 of you need to sit down and have a discussion. Treat her like a lodger/housemate. Her social life is her business and you don't comment about it. She will be responsible for say 3 meals and will buy ingredients and tidy up.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2019 13:37

I think it's fair enough to want her to pull her weight round the house a bit more. That's totally reasonable. But the rest of the stuff that's hacked you off is a bit odd il afraid. 21 year olds go out wit their mates a lot. That's totally normal you know.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2019 13:40

I still look after my 19 and 16 year old DDs if they're ill. My mom still looks after me sometimes and I'm 51! I certainly want my mom when I'm poorly. Sometimes my DP has to step in and try and fill my mom's shoes. In general, that's what parents do.

storm11111 · 31/01/2019 14:31

Do you realise that when your daughter was living away at university feeling ill she would have behaved exactly the same lying down recovering and not thinking to put the heat on.

You then come in and assume incorrectly that your daughter is purposely not put the heating on / had dinner in order to force you to resume your motherly role and therefore you go about it like a martyr and resent her for these expectations of you which don't exist!

You are then snippy with daughter and daughter gets fed up a loses it a bit, as far as she's concerned shes just lying there causing no one any harm. The end.

SuchAToDo · 31/01/2019 14:50

Op you sound like you don't like your daughter

You say things are harder around the house (yet your husband is abroad working, and your daughter is working and out socialising....so how can it be harder ?)

I don't agree with your daughter swearing at you but I can see from your post that you probably drove her to it , she's laying there feeling unwell trying to rest and she has you going on at her left right and centre and then adding the icing on the cake about her moving out...

I wouldn't be surprised if when she does move out properly you won't see her and any future grandkids often as she will remember how you are with her and won't want that around any of her kids (in the future when she has children herself)

If this is what you are like op i bet your dh is feeling like it's a relief to have a break from you too

everydaymum · 01/02/2019 02:56

I love when OPs ask a question (especially on AIBU), don't like the answer and so revert to sarcasm and insults! If you don't want a possible answer don't ask the question!

Fiona0x · 01/02/2019 06:41

It sounds like she irritates you in general and that's very sad.

flameycakes · 01/02/2019 06:50

Is everything always about you?

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 01/02/2019 07:00

op I'm pretty sure this is about you missing your partner. He goes away, you miss him, the only other person in the house is technically adult but is not that great at 'adulting' yet (although to me she sounds pretty decent); therefore the focus has turned onto her.

My DM and DSis moved away for sister's schooling when she was 16 and they had much the same dynamic; it was 2 years of hell. Just to be clear, my DM was being unreasonable most of the time, needy and critical; DSis went out partly to escape and partly because she liked her friends. DM resented this, took it out on her and it was all very cyclic. Don't get into cycle territory, really.

anniehm · 01/02/2019 07:02

You need to put in ground rules - my dd has a cooking day where she cooks for us, and has to tell me each week when she will be home for meals (I don't like waste) if she's due home after 11pm she needs to send a text, likewise if she's staying at a friends (very rare for her). It's a home not a hotel. As for not putting heating on/grabbing a blanket - well they will learn

MirriVan · 01/02/2019 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkiii · 01/02/2019 09:06

A classic AIBU Thread,

Op: am i being unreasonable?
Everyone: yeh kinda
OP: no i’m not.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 01/02/2019 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kemer2018 · 01/02/2019 16:17

Sounds like you're struggling to adjust to her living back with you. It can't be easy when you've got your life back after years of being "on" meeting everyone else's needs.
To be honest, the thought of my dd living here as an adult fills me with dread. I cime from a generation where we were gone between 16-20. If we weren't, conditions were made unpleasant until we did get out.

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