... to feel fed up with my 21 year old.

[themilkmansrabbit]

My partner is abroad for a month. He left 9 days ago. My daughter is doing an internship and living at home. She is starting a traineeship - not in her home city - in September.

It's been harder work round the house etc with my partner away. My daughter has been out nearly all the time since he left - either at her workplace or socialising with friends. She did manage to cook lunch on Saturday, but then disappeared out and came back on Sunday afternoon with a hangover, complaining of feeling ill.

I got back from work today to find her lying on the sofa having left her workplace early but not having turned the heating on - it doesn't kick in till 6 normally. I made her some food, but also said that maybe she was particularly unwell as she was short on sleep and generally hadn't given herself time to recharge.

She got very snappy and said I was unsympathetic, and always had a go at her about being out with her friends, and all she wanted was for me to be nice to her - instead of being horrible to her and having a go at her. She also swore at me - something she never normally does.

Which led to a rather difficult discussion, in which I said that if she really did see me as interfering and wasn't able to appreciate the support she was having, perhaps it was a good thing that before long she'd be living independently.

I told her I did not want her swearing at me again, and she did apologise for that. (But in a slightly sideways way - saying she'd never done this before, as if I should be grateful.) I have never, ever sworn at her. It's just not something I'd do.

She's gone off to bed now.

Would you feel pretty fed up with her, if you were me?

I understand your frustrations, but you and her are at completely different stages of life.

I am heading into the "parent of a teenager' stage whilst still remembering exactly what it was like to be a teenager/early 20s and living at home for short bursts.

Basically a lot of things that make perfect sense and come automatically as you get older and more experienced at life (like turning the heating on when it's cold) are either non-existent or overlooked by 21yos.

I remember my mum visiting my student house when I was 20 and going on and on about the state of our bathroom and wanting to bleach the toilet etc - I honestly couldn't see what the fuss was about, even though I used to clean the family bathroom thoroughly when I lived at home as an older teenager. I could clean perfectly well, but when I didn't have to, I reverted to not doing it - and didn't care about it.

I don't like to suggest something that isn't the case but I have to say that I am wondering if you are feeling a tiny bit resentful/jealous of your DD's social life, especially as your DH is away so your life feels a bit on hold until he gets back? It seems you might be looking to your DD to fill the company gap he's left, almost as payment in kind for having her until her September internship - and she just doesn't see that (and to be honest, it's really not her job). On the other hand, she is lying on the sofa, with a (seemingly) self inflicted malaise, and you are cooking for her etc, so you are parenting and fulfilling extra parenting duties, but she's not fulfilling extra daughter duties (ie doing more with you) so you feel resentful. I can understand that too.

Overall it's just a stage of both your lives. It'll change a lot over the years. I've been from my DM taking over my life, suggesting, criticising, helping etc to being fully independent and she didn't really like that either when I was finally flying solo and don't ask her for anything/don't really need anything - she wants to be needed still even though she should be pleased.

If you want her to buy shopping, ask her.

If you want her to cook two nights a week, let her know.

I don't think she's done much wrong on this particular occasion apart from swear, so I would move on and just try to communicate better about what it is you need from her not to feel resentful and put upon.

Thanks HaveYou

I think she's oscillating a lot between quite adult behaviour and stuff that isn't adult. Probably to do with the internship coming to an end - and the gap before her traineeship. All sorts of stuff. I'll probably find out before too long.

And it is different from the dynamic when she was a student and home (sometimes) during the holidays.

I think the conversation between me and either of my DDs would have been more jokey, along the lines of 'No wonder you're feeling rough, you youngsters can't handle burning the candle at both ends the way I did at your age'. Less likely to antagonise and still gets the message across really.

However, we would also have had conversations about helping around the house. Quite frankly, at 21, it should be automatic, partner away or not.

My 13 year year old DD actually does more than your adult DD to help and mostly without being asked. She cooks a couple of times a week (sometimes 3 or 4 different meals, as we are a fussy lot), helps with laundry and other housework.

At the moment I work from home some of the time and my partner is retired. So while he was away, the deal was that I'd cook stuff in the evening during the week for when she was round but she'd make some meals over the weekend. She enjoys cooking.

Obviously social stuff means that she won't necessarily be around during the weekend. But the spectacular hangover on Sunday meant that her making a promised meal didn't happen.

I imagine dialogue will continue. I've had a very busy few days - out all day on Monday and not back till midnight, so it wasn't the easiest of times to deal with my daughter's regression.

I think I understand where you're coming from - now she's 21, you want her to behave like another adult member of the household.
But, adult children often revert a bit when they're staying with/living with their parents. They assume that Mum will always look after them as she did when they were younger. You just need to adjust the expectations, maybe come up with a cooking rota, etc.

If she's ill, the odd cup of tea and snack isn't asking too much, but otherwise, just let her be and recover. If her social life is wearing her out, she'll have to realise that for herself and decide what to do.

You sound like very hard work, op

But the spectacular hangover on Sunday meant that her making a promised meal didn't happen.

In the nicest possible way - she's 21! Her thought process on her night out was not going to be "I can't get too drunk I need to cook mum dinner".

Then again when I was living at home after university I just cooked for myself and bought my own food. Sometimes my mum would say "I'm cooking pasta - do you want some" but otherwise she left me to it.

I think YABU too, like many other posters.
I also have a dc home from university. It is a strange dynamic. They've lived away from home for 3 years and tend to work on a different timetable from you.
Most adults adjust, and work through it together. You'll get nowhere treating her like she is a young teen. She isn't. Work with it, would be my advice.

I'm not surprised she swore at you tbh, if this is your attitude to her.

What is the dialogue on? "Why didnt you put the heating on when you were cold"
"Because I'm perfect capable of being cold"

You are treating her like a 13 years old, you can't expect her to act like an adult but treat her like a child. If you don't want to cook her dinner don't cook her dinner, let her sort her own food out. But don't resent cooking for her.

YABU. And I feel sorry for your daughter tbh.

my daughter’s regression

OP I think you are getting the message that most people here thing YABU. Seriously, she's 21. It's NORMAL to regress when you are at home and to be frank, her regression is hardly spectacular. She sounds pretty decent. You sound like hard work.

Lady I remember my own DM accusing me of regressing when I went to live back home for a few months after uni.

She said that at first I was great and then bit by bit she said she felt my efforts were reducing and I was regressing.

(All this might have been reasonable except when I was a teenager at home I pulled my weight like an adult far and beyond what was expected of my friends. Therefore her suggestion of regressing meant that I fended for myself instead of fending for her and myself, doing her laundry, cooking her meals and so on because 99% of what I ate was pasta (she doesn't eat pasta) and I just did my own bits of washing etc. She expected a maid service and I just lived in the house. Anyway, I digress [not regress, ha!])

But back to OP. Maybe your DD is regressing to a certain point but on the other hand, you have no way of knowing how her career might take off. My brother was at home all the time and then he got a great job mid-20s which meant he was rarely home (in the UK). DM went from whinging about him expecting this that and the other to whinging that she never sees him - she still feels she doesn't enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is try and enjoy having this relatively short period of your DD being home, because when she leaves in September who knows, ultimately she might settle down and live round the corner, or it might be on the other side of the world, or end of the country. It is worth having these few months as peaceful as possible. Sometimes it might mean sucking it up more than you should and other times it might mean putting your foot down but I... I just wouldn't expect all the adult things of her, like putting the heating on when it's cold. Yes she should have thought that she's first back so let's warm the house up and maybe sort out dinner for Mum as I didn't do it yesterday when I was meant to etc but you need to pick your battles. If she's out a lot at weekends I wouldn't anticipate the meals at weekend thing happening that much really. On the other hand she should keep general areas she uses clean and tidy, not expect too much running around or extras from you etc. Basically not treat the house like a hotel but also not be all the adult type house guest things as she is still your DD.

So you’re now saying your problem is because she’s reverting back to childhood family roles? She’s not the only one, so are you. And that’s perfectly normal.

Also, I notice you not responding to people’s questions about your boyfriend being away.

OP only seems to reply to people agreeing with her quite frankly insane reasoning. I agree that you sound a bit like hard work and resent your DD for having a life.

Yabu. Seriously. It's harder now your partner is away? Really? Poor you - you have to cook all your meals? Do all your laundry? Clean up after yourself? If you find it do hard looking after yourself I can see why you're peeved that your dd isn't automatically fending for herself in every way now. After all, you have to now that partner is away, why shouldn't she?
(Am very skeptical about how much harder it is for you right now. You're a grown adult ffs, she's only 21. Were you completely independent at that age? And I'm sure if it was bothering her that much, she would have put the heating on... )

Poor DD. She'll end up hating you.
You sound awful. I daresay she'll run for the hills soon enough.
Good luck with that.

Wow, how would you cope if you had had a difficult child?

I love it when my DD comes home, also 21, if she isn’t well I like to wrap her up and we sit and chat whilst I make her tea and bring her tablets.

It’s why she likes to come home, and I suspect whilst she will continue to come home and see me for many years to come.

I don’t infantilise her btw, she is a HCP living and working away in her old uni city. I like to take care of her if she has had a shit day.

21? Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit more

If she's out of the house all day, surely that's good? She isn't sitting around, using the electricity, hogging the TV, plates everywhere, eating all the food and messing up the place. Which are the usual complaints about adult children.

If she expects you to do her laundry or does no chores that's fair to complain, but you didn't mention that.

Living with an adult who isn't your partner is very different to living with your partner. IMO there's no expectation that you'll sit down to dinner every night togther, cook each other dinner or necessarily be home every night.

Why don't you just cook your own food and don't worry about her. Cooking for one is the best - you can make whatever you want, including beans on toast or cheese and wine if that's what you want.

There are worse ways for our adult children to neglect themselves. DS 28 doesn't do his night feeds every night, which is frustrating for me, but he's an adult and it's his choice.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. My DS of a similar age wore a wet suit for 2 days because he couldn't be bothered to do his laundry. He saves up any appointments (dentist, optician etc) until he comes to see me, so that I can do the phoning, driving and paying. My daughter is still at home and will sit in darkness until I get home and put the lights on.

I have daughters of s similar age. I like them being home when they deign to visit. The OP doesn’t, which is her prerogative, but she does sound terribly hard work. The stuff about the heating is unhinged.