To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

Well, it might be the OP’s first child but that fact becomes irrelevant when you marry someone who already has children and to whom all children should be equal.

Maybe if more people thought about that before having children with a man who already has kids we wouldn’t end up in these two-tier situations where the older stepchildren are pushed out because a woman suddenly gave birth and thinks that her children should be put above his children.

If a woman posted here that the husband wanted her kids out of the way in order to concentrate on his child only she would be told that he was an arsehole and rightly so.

Similarly if a woman adopted a child and had thus never given birth previously nobody would be saying she needed to be given a break because she’s never given birth before if she then fell pregnant and wanted the adopted child out of the way so she could get over the birth overnight.

When my dh’s partner had their baby DS stayed with me until she came home from hospital and that wasn’t an issue,similarly her older child stayed with someone (I have no idea who) but DS went round there pretty much at the same time they arrived home so all the kids got to meet the baby together.

there have been issues with ex’s partner with regards to many things,but in this particular situation they absolutely played it right.

YABU if your step child was your own child you wouldn't not have them.

@bibbitybobbityyhat *But what if this was her second baby? Would she insist her own pfb isn't allowed anywhere near her after giving birth?

No she wouldn't - of course not.

Think bloody on!*

I repeat... I did this, as have many others. First born spent a couple of days at the grandparents. Nothing wrong with wanting/needing a bit of rest after giving birth

I've had five and the only time I had a child free homecoming was with number one.

Errr no she won’t. She’s being induced on Thursday, SS is due to come on Saturday, potentially less than 24hours after she’s given birth

Yes and every Monday to Friday she has an all to herself. Unlike his child.

Step son is part of your immediate family isn't he?

Even if she is home. She will have mon-fri with just the 3 of them. The attitude is towards step parents who seem to forget their partner is actually a parent.

The OP is asking about ONE weekend- the weekend that she may well still be in labour!
Anyone would think she's suggesting never having DSS to stay again.
Do what you need to do Op while you give birth and give yourself some flexibility without having to consider anyone else for those few days.

@Boysandbuses she wants one night immediately after giving birth. That’s it.

YABU. The “just us” part is really sad, your stepson should be part of that. Please don’t push him out.
Chances are you might not be home anyway. I was induced on a Sunday and didn’t get home until the Wednesday evening.

Lots of people will go down the line of 'what if you had an older child?' etc but it's not the same.

But her husband does have an older child. He can't just see him for a few hours and send him away because his new wife has decided she doesn't want to deal with him this weekend!

So the "older child" comment is extremely relevant.

But what if this was her second baby? Would she insist her own pfb isn't allowed anywhere near her after giving birth?
She didn't say she didn't want to have SS anywhere near her. She said to have the SS come during the day to meet the sibling but just not stay over night

I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people

YABU. You aren't just you though. If you wanted that you shouldn't have married someone with a child! Your DH has 2 DC not 1.

OP I get you. I think i had the exact same conversation! You don't sound heartless

It depends on how old your SS is, how close you are, what type of personality he has (e.g. open, shy, excited about the baby, etc) It would be nice to include him, but depending on his age it could also be hard to include him in a way that doesn't stop your DH helping as much as you need him to.

You don't know how you will be feeling, and prob don't want someone else to think about that weekend. That's just sensible. We had SS come to hospital to meet the baby, then went home to sleep at his mother's for the night as usual, then they met again a few days later.

If your SS has given any hint he is feeling pushed out then that's different (and worth def including him as much as poss) but if he mostly lives with his mother then he won't feel excluded and he won't assume he would be staying that weekend probably? You just should make a big deal about 'your first weekend with your new sibling' for the following weekend.

bibbitybobbityyhat
you are talking crap ,and twisting things.

In the real world, parents make plans for their existing children and arrange appropriate childcare as much as possible.

It's the right thing to do for everyone.

Some posters are obviously very bitter, I am guessing they have ex partners who started a family, are happy, and the jealousy make people bitter. This thread is an example of the worst side of MN - on a different planet.

My DSC who I love dearly stayed for a week straight after DC was born. It was horrendous! I was BADLY injured and left to look after newborn while DH entertained DSC. If I could go back in time I would have said no to DSC that week rather than trying to be the perfect stepmother.

Honestly, I think it would set things off to a bad start - straight away your SS would feel excluded and there would be something 'negative' about the new baby. I think it's really important to include him and make quite a fuss of him. There will be two of you, after all, so you can manage the two children. As others have said you need to think of it like this was your second child (and to your husband it is). You wouldn't dream of pushing the first one away then?

YABU.

Not ok to do that, poor child.

I think it would be reasonable to alert exW that visit might need to be postponed depending on when the new baby is born.Its not unreasonable to expect DH will be with the OP during the delivery and after if there are problems. OP cannot be sure when she will take baby home. Bio children usually cared for by family members at this time.

It is perfectly normal for an older child to be in the home when his younger sibling comes home from hospital. He is your step son but he is your husbands son. So long as you are not expected to look after him you would be entirely unreasonable to have him out of the way.

@WhoPooped and I am sure the child wants to see their dad. Given th op says they are due to have the child 'that' weekend, the child isn't there every weekend.

I can't agree a child deserves to have time with their parent cut down, because there is a new baby.

she wants one night immediately after giving birth. That’s it.

Yes, but her husband has his son to consider as well. Or are his feelings completely irrelevant here?

OP has an older child as part of her immediate family. A child who probably already feels a bit pushed out and insecure because his dad is having a baby with another woman - what he needs now more than ever is reassurance and inclusion, not being sent back to his mum's after a few hours so his dad can be alone with the new baby and his new wife.

I really don't think saying that 'you've done this with your biological child and it's fine' means that it is fine in this scenario. It is not the same when the child whose routine is being changed and who is effectively booted out (even if only for the night) is a stepchild who might already feel less part of the family. You can not compare the two situations and say because it's fine in one it's definitely fine in the other.

Yanbu it's a very sensible plan to have in place. DSS gets to meet new sib but DH can be there 100% for you especially during the first night.

After all, induction may take longer than planned and you might not even be home at the weekend.

MN truly is a nest of vipers at times.

I hope the induction goes well for you OP.
(Perhaps make sure the baby has a special big bro present ready to give to DSS)

Some posters are obviously very bitter, I am guessing they have ex partners who started a family, are happy, and the jealousy make people bitter. This thread is an example of the worst side of MN - on a different planet.

Nope. Exh had the snip. Me and Dp are ttc though. You've got no clue what you are talking about.

If I could go back in time I would have said no to DSC that week

You mean you would asked if they could stay with their mum, surely. You don’t really just lay down the law to your DH about hai children in his own home as you’re suggesting do you?