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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:
AnotherPidgey · 30/01/2019 14:07

The difficulty with any children in the family and birth is that there are no guarentees on how the birth will develop and you need to know those children can be appropriately cared for.

There is a high chance that OP may still be in hospital around the weekend which can compromise the wellbeing of DH's child and new mum/ baby. Different families will have different support networks avaliable. It may be best to not have DSC for the weekend but to arrange a visit at short notice where practical.

My own arrangement for DS1 was to go to my friend. She was busy the weekend of my due date so he had to be there at the start as she was unable to collect during the weekend. If baby hadn't arrived, he was going anyway (he was a couple of days early so baby by EDD was realistic) DS ended up being dredged out of bed the night before EDD and taken away when it became clear I was in labour and it was progressing considerably faster than first time. He was then collected and bought in to us for discharge on day 2 and didn't see us on the day of the birth.

Wards are short staffed and the assumption is that birth partner/ dad will support mum/ baby. It can be incredibly isolating to be left alone in post-natal with no support if mum is exhausted or there are complications. It's very nieve to just assume that DH's child can have the weekend as usual as a point of principle. What really matters is that the father is otherwise reliable and integrates the families the rest of the time.

nellieellie · 30/01/2019 14:22

I’ve thought about this. if my DH split from me, and had a baby with another woman, how would it seem if my DS was told he couldn’t stay over because of the new baby? It made me feel so sad for him which is ridiculous because it’s a fiction, but it’s difficult for a child NOT to think that his dad is pushing him away because of his new (read better) family.
I sympathise with you, but as others have said, your DH has a DS already and he needs to prioritise BOTH children - not you and new baby over his DS.

Worriedmummybekind · 30/01/2019 14:27

I think this is often the gut reaction and I’d feel the same, but you have to treat the step child as if they are your older child. This is a really sensitive time. Your actions now for good or ill will help define your children’s relationship with you both and each other for decades to come. Be extra kind. Buy a present from baby to stepchild, get their favourite treats in. Enlist grandparents to help take the strain if needed but try to take a stance of embrace.

CallMeVito · 30/01/2019 14:28

On the other hand, if my DH split from me and had another baby, I would probably offer to keep our kids around the scheduled day of the baby.

If nothing else, parents in the stress of labour and everything are not the best carers of other children, parents sleep deprived after a long labour are not the best carers either. I am aware dad doesn't actually give birth, but if he's been up for 48h or 72 hours as it sometimes happen, it would be basic kindness not to force childcare just because.

I would rather let everyone settles and bring the children in a peaceful environment when convenient - within reason obviously.

If you believe you have to do everything for the best interest of the children, you forget for a minute the hatred you might have for the new girlfriend and you at least pretend to be a civilised adult.

floodypuddle · 30/01/2019 15:02

I think a lot of parents here are projecting their own feelings here.

Maybe if the DC was a bit older they might have some thoughts about it but ime most four year olds aren't even that clear on what day of the week it is and my DSC always seem a bit oblivious to how long they are supposed to be here and are constantly asking what day it is, are they going to mummys tonight or tomorrow? Is it after dinner or after lunch? Despite it not having changed for the last couple of years unless it's holidays or they are sick so we take an extra day etc.

Surely if you have made a point of them being the first to see the baby that's the most important thing? Not where they sleep that night?

Iownabigvase · 30/01/2019 15:31

So no response from the op after her second update? I'm not a bit surprised actually. That poor woman, imagine being a couple of days away from giving birth and having to read through all of that. I would have been so upset Sad

Grubsmummy · 30/01/2019 16:14

No it's unfair on the step child. They will feel pushed out from the start at a time when they will already be feeling anxious about the situation. It's probably the worst thing you could you.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/01/2019 16:55

@Iownabigvase I'm not surprised either. Another thread popped up today about MN being a vipers nest and this thread is a classic example.

I've not been using MN for very long. I've had some excellent advice, chat + most recently a much needed hand hold from some lovely MNers during a horrific sleep regression. I've also been called names, condescended to (even when the topic was my area of work!) and also been piled on (not as badly as this to be fair) for a genuine question I asked about sleep when my baby was younger. MN can be a fab resource but there are a few who seem determined to spread as much negativity and vitriol as possible.

debbie1990 · 30/01/2019 17:00

That poor woman, imagine being a couple of days away from giving birth and having to read through all of that.

You do realise being pregnant doesn't make you a fragile flower that no one can say boo to?

If you ask a controversial question on a parenting site it's likely not all comments will be positive. The 4 year olds feelings are more important than the OPs pregnant or otherwise and I would be appalled if my ex suggested the DC wouldn't be allowed to stay because his wife just wanted it to be the three of them. Obviously if the birth doesn't go to plan/takes longer than expected that's a different thing as it would be for a biological child.

Doghorsechicken · 30/01/2019 17:08

I don’t understand why you & new baby are his priority? Surely his DS is also his priority? I’m sure your DH is capable of looking after the 3 of you this weekend.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/01/2019 17:25

I don’t understand why you & new baby are his priority?

You don't understand that a newborn and a first time mum who has just given birth might need to be the priority the day they get home from hospital? Really?? This is surely the case whether it's a blended family or not.

I’m sure your DH is capable of looking after the 3 of you this weekend.
I'm sure he is too. And I'm also sure it would make life a lot easier if the 4 year old who doesn't sleep through the night misses ONE SINGLE OVERNIGHT at his dad's. As plenty of people, myself included, have pointed out, it's not all that uncommon. It doesn't mean existing children aren't a priority, it's about trying to make managing a newborn (OP's first - do you remember how difficult learning to care for your first baby was??) a tiny bit easier for the first night home. One night, that's it. 19 pages of comments over one overnight visit Hmm

Nonomore3 · 30/01/2019 17:27

@Doghorsechicken despite all the advances in science giving birth still remains a very dangerous day for women.
It’s a day when certain members of the family are vulnerable and need extra care. No one is suggesting the other DC is left uncared for. Are you saying that you just never prioritise certain family members on particular days?!

HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/01/2019 17:30

If you ask a controversial question on a parenting site it's likely not all comments will be positive.

@debbie1990 Totally agree. The OP was looking for opinions and advice, not all of which will be on her side. People can disagree with her but there's no need for a lot of the comments and abuse she's got. If people can't express their disagreement without stooping to name calling, catastrophising and twisting every little detail to it's most negative conclusion, it says a lot more about them than the OP.

Not saying everyone who disagrees with OP has done this, but a few posters have left me genuinely appalled.

EC22 · 30/01/2019 17:31

Of I was the SS mum in this situation I’d offer him not to go to yours that weekend. I have in fact done so when my ex’s gf was expecting. This is your first baby, you need time to recover and adjust. You’re not being unreasonable.

TheOrigFV45 · 30/01/2019 17:45

"[SC] I'm so pleased the new baby will arrive on the weekend you are staying here, it means you'll be one of the first to meet him/her"

CallMeVito · 30/01/2019 18:20

You do realise being pregnant doesn't make you a fragile flower that no one can say boo to?

perfect example of the nasty spirit of some posters on this site. Grin
You can't understand that a new mum might be a bit anxious 2 days before giving birth, especially when an induction is scheduled?

f you ask a controversial question on a parenting site it's likely not all comments will be positive.
you can give your opinion without being bitchy and insulting the OP, is it that hard? ("you" in general, not "you specific, I didn't record the name of the worst posters on here).
Some have managed to reply with very valid point. Others just enjoyed putting down the OP for the sake of it.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 30/01/2019 19:13

@CallMeVito Exactly! This thread makes me despair. A heavily pregnant first time mum comes to a site 'by parents for parents' and gets dogs abuse (from some) for asking for advice. Threads like this make me consider deleting my account at times, this isn't what most people come to MN for.

feliciabirthgiver · 30/01/2019 19:43

Step parenting is an absolute minefield, I know you can't help how you feel but I expect you have got a long rocky road ahead of you if this is how you feel about this situation.

debbie1990 · 30/01/2019 19:48

Of course it's understandable to be anxious as a new mum, I have had two myself and been induced both times so that part I get 100% but that is not the question.

If it was "I am being induced on Wednesday and worried if I will be in labour/complications for DSS's visit", the OP would have got support and I'm sure his exW would have understood if she may need to be on standby to keep him at home if she had only got home that day or was still in hospital. The question was that she wanted to have "some time just the three of us" without DSS which is what has got peoples backs up as this wouldn't be the case 99% of the time with a biological child.

My DM had DS1 when DS2 was born, I can't imagine for one second saying can you keep him for an extra few days so we can have some time "Just the three of us".

Inliverpool1 · 30/01/2019 20:17

Exactly, when Dd2 was born I had no real interest her, was almost bursting with excitement the moment I was reunited with with DD1. Baby 2 grows on you, 1 you’re already in love with.

Yazoooooooo · 30/01/2019 20:22

Don’t like your DH saying he will prioritise you and baby. Why should he? Both of his children should be equal.

twoundertwo54321 · 30/01/2019 20:24

I don't think that's nice at all as SS will feel pushed aside which would be awful for him.

Deadbudgie · 30/01/2019 20:26

Yes yabu and your DH is being a dick. His priority should not be you and the baby but BOTH his children. His ds might already be feeling insecure about his dads new son who gets to live with his dad full time.

MidniteScribbler · 30/01/2019 20:26

As a PP has said, it's going to be better for a 4 year old who wakes at night to be with his Mum who can focus on him

And what if his mum is supposed to be working that night? Has tickets to something, or other plans? Is she supposed to just drop everything and rearrange her schedule to facilitate her exhusbands reproductive choices? This woman hasn't been asked if she minds swapping, just basically been told to accept that she has no choice but to change her own plans.

RebelWitchFace · 30/01/2019 20:29

And what is his mum is a blue alien from Mars being beamed up right that night?

Or alternatively she might be decent and understanding and have no plans and be happy to swap weekends/have her kid back for one night.

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