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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2019 21:11

When I had dd my step children were 4, 8 and 11, I gave birth on the Saturday and step kids were due to come over on Sunday, I was excited about introducing them to the baby, I was still recovering from quite a tricky birth and I was worried that having 3 extra kids around would be stressful but they were brilliant and the 11 year old (who really didn’t want another sibling) helped out with changing and walked around with dd when she was crying. I think it was really important for them to be as involved as possible.

sue51 · 29/01/2019 21:11

I understand you wanting time with the newborn, but I really feel you should put your feelings aside and keep to your normal time with your DSS. He is an important part of your family too.

CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 21:13

It is not the same when the child whose routine is being changed and who is effectively booted out (even if only for the night) is a stepchild who might already feel less part of the family.

it's exactly the opposite! A child who lives there full time could in theory feel booted out, whilst a child who has a home with his own mum won't feel rejected at all. Unless his mother is one of the posters on here and decide to sabotage the relationship as much as possible.

Stupomax · 29/01/2019 21:13

I was the 8 year old stepchild when my dad and stepmum had their first baby together.

I remember visiting my new one-day-old half-sister in hospital, and my stepmum said I should see if there was anything in her bassinet with her, and bless her, she'd put a chocolate bar in there for me.

We brought her home and I got to cuddle her when my stepmum wasn't feeding her.

It was 39 years ago now, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

It's up to you what you do OP, but there is a stepchild here who's not going to forget this moment.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 21:13

@NotStayingIn my DD was my ExP’s SC, my second born is her half sibling. So yes it is a similar situation actually.
I just explained I was exhausted, she was fine with that. She was 5 at the time and she hasn’t resented her younger brother or felt pushed out ever since. It was 48 hours of her life.
The OP is asking for one night to recover.

Pugwash1 · 29/01/2019 21:15

I will not use abbreviations as it might get confusing. When my wonderful stepson's mum and his step dad had their biological child together they asked if we could have him for a few days so they could have a few days alone with with their new born. He was completely unscathed by this, had a great time at ours and went back to his mum and step dad's a few days later feeling exactly as loved as he did before they had the new baby. He was 8. Perhaps he is just super chilled but honestly, he was not even remotely bothered by this let alone feel abandoned by his mother or usurped by the new addition to the family. But like I say, he is rather chilled out so perhaps this does make a difference.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/01/2019 21:15

It is not a good way to start, I can understand you wanting the 3 when you get home from the hospital, that is all very well if it was a family of 3.
Your DP is already a father, your baby's sibling is here, it will be hard, you will be tired but it only for a weekend.
His DM might suggest him stay with her under the circumstances, otherwise allow him to stay as usual.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 21:15

@Stupomax that sounds like a lovely memory xx

Boysandbuses · 29/01/2019 21:15

The OP is asking for one night to recover.

That's not what she asked for.

adaline · 29/01/2019 21:16

SS gets to meet new sib but DH can be there 100% for you especially during the first night.

I don't get this attitude, I really don't. You can't just expect DH to not spend time with his older DC because there's a newborn in the picture! What if he lived with OP full-time? What if the mum is unable to have him because she has other plans?

You can't just minimise contact with existing children because a newborn is on the scene!

MsMustDoBetter · 29/01/2019 21:16

DSS is part of your family. It is best for everyone if he bonds with his sibling. It would be detrimental to send him the clear message that he is now unwanted that his sibling has arrived. You wouldn't shoo your own natural child out of the house, so don't do it to your SS.

BrilliantDarling · 29/01/2019 21:16

@Readytorewind
It's disgusting to let your son think it's acceptable to say he can't be bothered to see his dad and you wonder why they haven't got a relationship Hmm

user139328237 · 29/01/2019 21:16

I bet you'd also like him to inform her that his maintenance payments will be going down due to the new child in the same phone call wouldn't you?
YABVU. Your'e an ADULT and therefore your feelings come second to your husbands CHILD.

WendyCope · 29/01/2019 21:16

Err, yep... you sound just like a wicked stepmother.

YABVU

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 21:16

@Pugwash1 that’s because that’s what happens in real life, kids are fine. It’s only on MN that SC are fragile, broken, damaged kids who need tip toeing around Hmm

Firstty · 29/01/2019 21:17

Sorry if I have missed this but how old is the step child? 2 or 3 and won't know the difference in days and won't remember this- I would say yes, have some time to just focus on the baby for a day or 2. Older than that your primary focus should be making step child included and excited about new sibling.

perfectstorm · 29/01/2019 21:17

I do absolutely understand how you feel... but all younger siblings feel pushed out by a new arrival, and when that new arrival is there 24/7, that will be worse. The usual rule of thumb is to make a huge fuss of the older child, so they don't resent the younger. In this case, that's exponentially more important.

It's worth remembering that a loving and positive relationship with a sibling is one of the best things you can offer your child. Supporting and promoting that early is in the new baby's interests, too. Siblings are going to be there when you and your husband are gone. How close they are, and how much they support one another, is partly fluke and personality - but very much partly parental management, too.

Really do think that it's off for your DH to say his priority is you and baby. His priority should be the three of you. If, god forbid, you were to pass away, and he remarried... would you like knowing he could tell a new wife that she and her newborn, and not your child, were his priorities? At such a vulnerable time for any child, let alone the child of a relationship that no longer exists - the arrival of a child from the one that now does? I hope that was a strictly time-sensitive statement on his part, but even then it's tone deaf as hell. This is a very tricky stage to navigate, for him and his son. He needs to be aware of that.

There's a book called Siblings Without Rivalry. It's very good.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/01/2019 21:17

Some posters are obviously very bitter, I am guessing they have ex partners who started a family, are happy, and the jealousy make people bitter. This thread is an example of the worst side of MN - on a different planet.

Wrong. Want to try again with a different ridiculous statement?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/01/2019 21:18

It's disgusting to let your son think it's acceptable to say he can't be bothered to see his dad and you wonder why they haven't got a relationship hmm

Grin I suspect you’ve got that a bit backwards.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 29/01/2019 21:19

Anything involving stepmums on MN seems to bring out the worst in some posters.

Reframe this to the older child being her biological child. 'I said to DH that we should have oldest DC looked after by grandparents overnight the day I get home from hospital after they have met the new baby'. This is totally reasonable!

I appreciate there are extra sensitivities/dynamics to consider with blended families (I am in one) but some people need to have a bit of perspective on this before laying into a heavily pregnant first time mum looking for genuine advice. Some of you should be ashamed.

CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 21:20

PigletWasPoohsFriend
I can't come up with anything near as ridiculous as the rubbish that has been written on that thread.

Not respecting the need of a new mother because she is also a step-mum is utter nonsense. Some posters want to punish her for daring to have her own baby when the OP has made perfectly reasonable plans, like people do in the real world.

SummerGems · 29/01/2019 21:20

And given the night in question is the DH’s usual night, maybe the mother has plans of her own?

Or should she too accommodate her ex’s wish for it to just be him and his wife and their child....?

SEsofty · 29/01/2019 21:20

Actually I think that this is reflective of how important everyone is taking a child feeling into account.

A child who already has the situation that their parents don’t live together and the primary concern of most responses is to ensure that child is not left feeling pushed out and excluded

CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 21:21

Or should she too accommodate her ex’s wish for it to just be him and his wife and their child....?

ah.. here we go... told you there was bitter jealousy from some...

StroppyWoman · 29/01/2019 21:22

OK, it's a tricky one.

YABU to want to exclude SS
However...
YANBU to not want a young child staying overnight when you're welcoming your first newborn.
It can totally work as long as it's framed sensitively.

I think "SS isn't welcome here this week" is rotten, whereas "Can we arrange for SS to sleep elsewhere this weekend because we know the baby will keep him up all night and we need a couple of days" is sounds perfectly reasonable.

Lots of people with existing kids would either have family (mum, aunt, sister etc) stay for a bit to help or farm the kids out for a couple of days with friends and family as they settle in. WHen my 3rd was born my parents took the elder two for 72 hours. It really helped.

So yes, excluding a stepchild is unreasonable but no, arranging some childcare for your lovely SS within 72 hours of his sibling's birth so he can get some rest is pretty sensible and caring.

Make sure you have a gift ready for your SS "to my brother" from your baby so he feels a valued and important member of the family

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