To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

If so, chances are youwon'tbe home for the weekend

Why not? I was induced on Wednesday afternoon and was home Friday morning

I think it is better that you keep things normal so no child feels pushed put. However, you need to ensure you have alternate plans if it takes longer. I was induced on the Thursday and wasn't home until Sunday. It is not unusual for inductions to be less straightforward.

Good luck with your new baby.

Sorry, I think yabu.

I do understand why you feel that way but it could be very damaging to ss and feel like a huge rejection.

If he was your dc or if he lived with you full time then it wouldn’t be an option and he would be there. He shouldn’t be seen an optional in my view.

Agree with the others, YABU and very precious.

Of course you are being VVV U. Let me explain how families work. You have a child, then when you have a second child you have TWO I.e. iou don’t just keep one at a time. everyone else manages when siblings arrive. What’s wrong with your DH?

totally unreasonable!

You would not do this if SS was your child. And it is still your DHs child. You cannot just push a sibling out because of a new arrival. It's not normal at all. You sound horrible, sorry but you have asked.

I understand the feeling. I think u might get a hard time for this however. Lots of people will go down the line of 'what if you had an older child?' etc but it's not the same. If you had an older child, then you wouldn't be a first time mum + would have experience of looking after a newborn; it's not as much of a shock second time (apparently!). You are going to be a first time mum, with an older child to juggle too.

I was in the same situation and I'm not going to lie, it was really difficult at times. I had a bad labour, took a long time to recover and struggled at the start with so much. But instead of having my partner there 100% for me and the baby, he had to (rightly) look after DSD. There are no easy answers, blended families are difficult and there are always shades of grey in most situations.

Yabu, sorry.

I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people.

What you mean is it’s fine for DH to look after 2 people, you and baby, but not this other person that’s nothing to do with you but is actually his child that predates you and your baby? That’s what your saying. And then you genuinely ask if you’re being selfish??

I think you're entitled to the first weekend just the three of you. Nothing wrong in that. You aren't being selfish at all

I don’t think that’s fair on SS at all. This is your family dynamic, life carries on, and SS still needs to be looked after.

And for what it’s worth, if I was SS mum, I’d be pointing out to your DH that his priorities are actually his 2 kids, then you.

Sorry you cant just dump one child because another is coming along. Surly your DH is more than capable of looking after his son and his wife+newborn at the same time. That's what most families do.

This^

I also wouldn't count on being home by the weekend. Your induction could be pushed back due to emergencies, it could also take a couple of days and you might need a couple of nights in hospital afterwards to recover. In fact, I'd just assume that you won't be home until the Sunday at least tbh.

I don't want to be mean but not only should you not cancel your SS coming from the weekend, your DP should be making arrangements for him to come and visit as soon as possible (to the hospital if at all possible and you're well enough). Your baby is going to be your DSS's sibling for the rest of their lives - it will be an invaluable relationship for your DC but can be quickly ruined if this is handled badly.

I actually think I would feel the same as you but in reality, as others have said, he is your SS and as such should be treated as a member of the family. However, there is every likelihood that if you’re induced on the Thursday that you won’t be home by the weekend - the baby might not even have arrived! Depending on the circumstances I would be looking to see if it is more straightforward to swap the weekends around to avoid disruption. Clearly your DH would need to be with you if you’re in labour.

YABU that's exactly what all of us with more than one child have had to do.

I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people.

on what basis do you think it is reasonable to look after you and his DC2 but not his DC1. This is not how families work.

Wow. Poor kid, won’t even be 24 hours and he’ll be pushed out because of his dad’s “new family”.

I also think YABU for all the reasons the PP's have said.

Please don't do this to your SC.

It’s really quite late in the day to be asking for a weekend swap. Has your partner already discussed her stepping in if you’re in labour etc on his time with his son?

God I must be an evil mother because I got my biological first born to stay with my mum for the first 2 days of my second baby’s life.
I needed that time to recover, my DD visited me in the day but I was exhausted (as was my ExP as I’d had a long labour).
My DD did not feel pushed out and wasn’t traumatised, she understood I was knackered and needed a bit of rest 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ha! my father's second wife had a baby when I was 15. I went to their house for my regular Sunday afternoon visit a week or two later (yep, I only got Sunday afternoons only with my dad even though he only lived 18 miles away) and I was pretty nonplussed by how unwelcome I felt. Dad cooked the dinner and SM just had to bottle feed the baby and sit on the sofa. Still I could sense she didn't want me there! We are NOT close 40 years later and after the death of my dad. He would have hated our current relationship.

You don't sound wicked and I totally sympathise - but in the long run think you'll do better for having him there. This is his new baby brother or sister, and the weekend will help to establish his place in the family. Of course it's a good idea to have backup just in case there are any complications, just as you would if it were your own older DC.
Congratulations and good luck!

Nope not good enough. He’s your husband who already has a child. You can’t stop
his child coming and staying just because you now have a baby. You are all a family.
You were already a stepmum before you became a mum, you don’t just get to drop that title, along with the child. Besides the child will be sleeping all night! You sound really mean. If my dpex wife done that with my ds I would have hit the roof

Why you all bother with men who already have kids?