To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

Sorry but I don't think many of you that are commenting have been in the situation! Some of these replies have made me quite angry. Don't judge until you have been in the situation. I gave birth to my first child in December and we both agreed best for my lovely step son to stay with his mum that weekend, she agreed, we face timed him and he understood. I had had a rough time in hospital and it was nothing to do with anyone 'pushing him out' he is loved by both of us but after a traumatic birth I needed time to try and get myself a bit more back to normal and he wouldn't have had much fun with us both knackered trying to get baby settled at home. PM me if you like OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I agree with everyone, it's tough enough for DSS having to move between homes. I would look at it as he was here first and so his feelings need to be put first. Put yourself in his shoes.

I’m not a stepmother or anything close, but your OP is horrifying. The “just us” is an awful way to view your DSS.

And what do you mean about DH having to look after 3 people? Do you mean his two children and his wife? Why on earth shouldn’t he? By rights, you’re likely going to be looking after the baby, and as an adult won’t need looking after. Which leaves your DH free to look after his other child.

I hope this is just pre-delivery nerves talking. Otherwise it’s pretty shameful.

Op - you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Having had experience as a non-resident stepmom myself I think it's laughable that PPs are asking what you'd do if it was your own older child.

The relationship with a non resident child is not the same as the relationship with a resident child.

In my case; I'd happily snuggle up in bed with a resident child and a new baby - but my non resident step child would not feel comfortable doing that.

I'd quite happily arrange a play date or similar for a resident child - whereas the whole purpose of contact is for the non resident child to have contact with their parent.

And, I can discipline and set boundaries for a resident child in a way I am unable to for a non resident child.

Yes you'll be branded a wicked step mum - if I were you I'd embrace the title and do what you feel is right for everyone in your family.

I've been induced twice. Both times the induction didn't start until a good 18 hours after I'd got to the hospital, and the baby didn't actually arrive until late the next day. I wasn't then wasn't out of hospital for another five days, first time because dd ended up in scbu, second time because ds struggled to feed.

I don't have a stepchild, but if your DSS was my own child, my main concern would be making sure there was someone lined up to look after him that weekend in case I was still in hospital/giving birth. The last thing you want is to be still in labour and discover his mother has booked a weekend in Glasgow.

When DS was born, my DM came to look after DD and ended up staying a week. I was really grateful she did, as it meant DD had someone who put her needs first and she felt loved and cared for rather than second-place, as might have happened with me and the baby in hospital and DH taken up with our needs.

If you want DSS to feel loved and valued and an important part of your family, there's an argument that you want to make his first weekend with you and the new baby as smooth as possible, and for your DH to have as much headspace to care for him as possible. This may be easier the weekend after.

I think it depends a bit on how old he is though tbh. A teenager is a different scenario to a three year old.

Lots of people will go down the line of 'what if you had an older child?' etc but it's not the same. If you had an older child, then you wouldn't be a first time mum + would have experience of looking after a newborn; it's not as much of a shock second time (apparently!). You are going to be a first time mum, with an older child to juggle too.

Well if she wanted to just have her dh and her and a baby there, she shouldn't have married someone who already had kids.

Why is everyone implying she doesn’t care about SS?! I don’t get the attitudes towards stepparents on this board

Even if she is home. She will have mon-fri with just the 3 of them. The attitude is towards step parents who seem to forget their partner is actually a parent.

FFs! MM at it's battiest!
Of course the OP isn't being unreasonable here! I was induced and it took three days for my daughter to arrive. OP may still be giving birth over the weekend!
We don't even know the age of the older child, but who is supposed to look after that child if OP is still in labour? Or needs a ceasarian, or there are other difficulties?
And even if there aren't any difficulties, then is it really unreasonable for OP to take a little time for herself without having other caring duties? (it seems to fall to her)
The sensible thing is not to have responsibility for another child while giving birth- even if it was her biological child, you'd hope that whoever was caaring for that child while she gave birth would be able to continue to care for the child a bit longer if required.
Don't arrange to have the ss that weekend- send them a photo etc of new baby, or arrange for him to brought to visit briefly at the hospital or at home. Make him feel special for being the new big brother etc. One weekend of disrupted/changed contact really isn't going to scar anyone for life...

Wow. That's only considering your own convenience and not anyone else in your family. It's her DHs child not some Rando they are getting from the park.

Even if she is home. She will have mon-fri with just the 3 of them. The attitude is towards step parents who seem to forget their partner is actually a parent
Errr no she won’t. She’s being induced on Thursday, SS is due to come on Saturday, potentially less than 24hours after she’s given birth

Sad for your DSS after seeing his priority will be me and baby. His son should always come before you. YABU, that is his child.

Sorry but you're being unreasonable - you chose to have a child with a man who has children already ... the step son is just as much family as your child being born soon, you can't start changing the deal now
By all means tell your husband to take responsibility of your DSS as you'll likely be tired and establishing feeding etc if that's what your plans are.

Don't fail your step son, he's not second place to the new baby

dont do this!

Way to tell SS where he comes in the pecking order.

This thread is actually insane. I can’t believe how vile some people are being to the OP

YANBU at all! You are allowed to be selfish here. Your priority in the circumstance is you and YOUR baby!

for him to be looked after overnight on the Saturday. I know people who have done this with older biological children on their first day home with a new baby -

Most of my friends have done exactly this!

If OP had asked the exact same question about her first child, the answers would have been completely different.

Stop making the OP feel bad. It is very important for a woman to be able to have her partner with her if she wishes - it's pretty shit if you want him and he can't.
Children can cope very well without their parents for a day or 2 in these circumstances (of course if they are taken care of by another adult, friend or family!). That happens in the real world all the time. Why should it be different with a step child!

People are just hypocritical and looking for a fight. Stop being so mean to the OP, it's ridiculous.

I have been in exactly this situation in the DS was having two half siblings within a week. His df was having one with his new wife and I was having one with my new husband. I didn't pack DS1 off to his df's whilst I was having his little sister. His df and wife didn't want DS1 there when his gf had their DD. I didn't have a choice (& I wouldn't have ever pushed DS1 out) but I guess being the 'resident parent' it was different

It isn't.

And her DH's priority is his family. The whole family.

I've been in your situation and you are being very unreasonable. how you treat your ss in the next few weeks will have lasting effects. don't fuck it up because you want to stay in a bubble that doesn't include him.

Well if she wanted to just have her dh and her and a baby there, she shouldn't have married someone who already had kids.

She hasn't said this at all. She has said for one single overnight, her first night home after giving birth for the first time, she would like to have just her DH and the baby. As I have said before, I know people who have done this with biological children and sent them to the grandparents for a sleepover etc. It's really not a big deal. MN is so full of drama sometimes, people love to twist things to their worst possible conclusion

I think people feel so strongly because actually the arrival of a new child can upset the balance with existing children forever.

When they all live under the same roof with the same parents it’s tricky enough to negotiate and ensure that existing children don’t feel excluded, pushed out or replaced in their parents affections by the new arrival.

When the existing children don’t live permanently with a parent and therefore don’t have them around all the time anyway it is even trickier and vitally important to ensure that the existing children don’t feel excluded.

One of the consequences of deciding to be with someone who already has children is that their need for emotional support will be paramount because they are children.

But what if this was her second baby? Would she insist her own pfb isn't allowed anywhere near her after giving birth?

No she wouldn't - of course not.

Think bloody on!

I think that would be hurtful to SS and wouldn’t recommend it.

Do have a childcare plan in place. I went into hospital on a Friday to be induced. DS wasn’t born (by EMCS in the end) until the Monday, and I came home on the Thursday. I’m hope your induction goes a lot smoother than mine, but you and your husband do need to be prepared and that includes having backup childcare plan in place for your SS.

I know people who have done this with biological children and sent them to the grandparents for a sleepover etc.

Given the outcry on this thread where the OP or suggesting that the DSS is with his mother overnight, can you imagine what would be said if she'd suggested he stay with another relative instead?!