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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:
CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 20:47

YANBU

when will people start to respect a new mother and the fact that giving birth can be the most physical thing you will ever do, and some women need some rest!

In the real world, you make plans for your children when you have another baby arriving! You don't know how long labour will last, and even less how long things progress in an induction.
In the real world, at worst the mother has to go to hospital alone whilst her husband does the childcare, or have friends or family dealing with the older children.

It makes 0 difference to the stepchild, there just the need of a reasonable adult explaining that step-mother is in hospital having a baby, so he will be visiting when she is back - the following weekend.

Why do MN posters always need to create drama when there is no need!

Biancadelriosback · 29/01/2019 20:47

I agree with everyone else actually

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 29/01/2019 20:48

YABU.

cadburyegg · 29/01/2019 20:48

YABU.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 29/01/2019 20:48

Drwholovesme is spot on.

Step outside this situation just for a minute. Look from the child's perspective, or imagine you were the child's mum. You still think it's ok. He will have two children. Not one.
I feel so sorry for SS, if this is a flavour of things to come.

I am a mum and a stepmum incidentally.

SEsofty · 29/01/2019 20:48

Yabu

You already have responsibility for a child, by choosing to be with someone who already has one.

Therefore you can not push them away just because it is inconvenient

weemouse · 29/01/2019 20:48

Not acceptable at all. What an awful message to send to that poor child.

I have a friends ex son in law who's new girlfriend did this, and the poor girl has had some real emotional issues due to this kind of attitude. Please don't do it.

Senioritafamiglia · 29/01/2019 20:49

Yabu.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 29/01/2019 20:49

Lots of people are catastrophising what the OP said. She has not said to cancel the weekend with her DSS, but for him to be looked after overnight on the Saturday. I know people who have done this with older biological children on their first day home with a new baby - even if your not a first time mum there's nothing wrong with getting some help. Please remember you are talking to a pregnant first time mum - who didn't freak out a bit about how they would manage when they were waiting for their first baby, never mind trying to juggle other children?

Readytorewind · 29/01/2019 20:50

This is exactly what happened to DS1. When his step sibling came along they didn't see him for 2 weeks. I was having his other step sibling a week later so he was distracted with his baby sister who he lived with. Thank god. He was pretty much elbowed out gradually. Never invited on holiday with them.

He's 15 now and his df asks if he wants to go over regularly and DS1 just can't be bothered with him. Sees him once every couple of months. Not saying this will happen to you but tread carefully OP. Don't let yourself start to expect your DH to prioritise you and your new dcs over his firstborn. It could damage their relationship.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/01/2019 20:50

While I completely understand your feelings about this, YABU. You may be having your first labour, but you are having your families second child, so you can't expect it to be the same. You will have lots of newborn days, it's not worth creating a drama over one night.

LL83 · 29/01/2019 20:50

When I was induced it took 48 hours before labour started so be organised with childcare for dss if needed.

I think dss feelings have to be carefully considered. How will he feel? Pushed out? Or happy to skip staying at your house?

HauntedPencil · 29/01/2019 20:50

I see why you'd want that but as PP said it's quite normal to have older children around, i think you should let them stay as normal.

It's not like he's there all the time you'll have plenty of time on your own.

SkinnywannabeKBH · 29/01/2019 20:50

I hate this. It makes me feel very sad that your Husband is saying that you & baby are his priority. My SIL married a man who has an older Daughter from a previous relationship. This beautiful little girl was always part of their lives and was always invited to all family get togethers, my MIL even looked after her on many occasions.....until their 1st child together was born and the eldest was barely looked at. The next child arrived and now all social media accounts are all about their little family and the eldest is rarely included in any family snaps. Their Christmas cards/birthday cards are from their new wee family and the eldest is never included. It breaks my heart. Please please don't exclude your Stepson. He may already be feeling worried about being pushed out. He may already think that his Dad will have a new family and not want his old family around anymore. This is how my SILs Stepdaughter feels. She has broadcasted it on private social media.

Charlie97 · 29/01/2019 20:50

Sorry but YABU and SS is as important as your PFB.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/01/2019 20:50

How would you feel OP if your husband was the stepparent here and asked if you could send your firstborn to its father because he didn’t want to have to look after the three of you, just the two he was actually related to?

brizzledrizzle · 29/01/2019 20:51

YABU. If it were your older child would you be making them stay with other relatives the night after your baby was born?

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 20:52

I feel so sorry for SS, if this is a flavour of things to come why and how?
Why is everyone implying she doesn’t care about SS?! I don’t get the attitudes towards stepparents on this board Sad
It is her first baby, her first time giving birth... if SS was her biological child then she would have already experienced a birth and be a lot less anxious, Jesus people give her a break!

Charlie97 · 29/01/2019 20:52

@SkinnywannabeKBH I have a friend like that, leaves DSS off Christmas cards, I always include him and rightly so!

WineGummyBear · 29/01/2019 20:52

I can see both sides here OP. On the one it's not on to push the older child out, on the other hand going through your first labour/newborn 48 hours is a massive and intimate experience.

The problem is, your partner already had a child so no aspect of family life, not even this experience can be only about you.

Blended families are HARD. (I was raised in one)

SEsofty · 29/01/2019 20:52

However there does need to be a plan if you are still in labour at the weekend. With a family member or friends stepping into look after the child. But it is the father responsibility to organise this

elQuintoConyo · 29/01/2019 20:52

Do you have a rug you could sweep ss under? Or a cupboard to put him in? Or a high shelf?

Give your head a wobble. You are now a family of 4. If you cannot treat your stepson as your own son, then you should not be with and having a child with a man who has a son from a previous relationship.

I second a pp upthread, you should have stepson over asap to meet his new half-sibling.

CatnissEverdene · 29/01/2019 20:53

Jesus wept. Yes you do sound wicked.

Poor kid, already being shoved out for the new baby. There is no "just us" it's all of you.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 20:53

I know people who have done this with older biological children on their first day home with a new baby - even if your not a first time mum there's nothing wrong with getting some help

I did exactly this, I didn’t see the problem x

SuperstarDJ · 29/01/2019 20:54

I think that’s a mean & hurtful thing to do to SS so YABU.

Though if you’re being induced on Thursday it’s unlikely you’ll be out on Saturday anyway.

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