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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 29/01/2019 21:16

You need to have a conversation with her, she may have a medical problem causing this, I worked with someone who did, which made it easy for us to be supportive. Do you know what her home life is like? Are there issues there? I don’t think you can just say you don’t want her any more

Caterinaballerina · 29/01/2019 21:42

So first of all you already sound kind for not wanting to hurt her feelings. Maybe this one could be solved with a well worded text along the lines of, ‘I’m sorry to raise something so sensitive but wanted to spare the embarrassment of doing this face to face which is why I’m texting.’ Although now I’m struggling with how you might word the actual problem!

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 21:48

I don’t even know how to go about bringing it up in conversation without upsetting or humiliating her. What I do I say? I’m guessing she must be aware of it or people have said things to her before but that probably doesn’t make it any easier to hear. How do I bring it up kindly? I don’t know very much about her home life really. I know she recently got married so lives with her husband. No children. She comes across well...friendly, chatty, confident with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 21:50

Cross posts Caterina.

OP posts:
Mummyto2munchkins · 29/01/2019 21:59

My Ex SM use to have this problem (I never liked her though!) I'd gracefully ask if she fancied a nice bubble bath after her "very hard day putting up with us kids" and a glass of wine!... She kindly obliged but wanted a cup of tea.. (still doesn't know I use to put 1 sugar and 1 salt in her tea mind you!)

Huggingslothsallday · 29/01/2019 21:59

Babysitter I’m sorry to bring this to your attention, and that I have to do it via text, but I was too embarrassed to do it face to face for both of us. Firstly you do a fantastic job with the children, I have no complaints there. I’ve noticed that you have strong body odour. Now I appreciate a lot of people do to some extent. But I’ve noticed that when you leave, I can not only notice it in the home, but the children smell of it too.
As I said I was embarrassed that I had to bring this up, and was wondering if I can support you in getting the right products for you, that may help with it? Is there anything you have found in the past that makes a difference? If you would like my help you only have to ask’

I don’t know? I’m struggling to write one to be honest! I thought it would be easy until I started 🤣.

Yes it could be medical as pp have mentioned.

It could be that she does not shower each day?

Maybe she doesn’t use deodorant?

Is she wearing clothes several times and sweating in them?

Really someone that age knows about personal hygiene and how they should keep clean. Her friends surely notice? And either her dh does and not mention it or he smells too!

Lucylugs · 29/01/2019 22:16

Contine the text.. "I’m sorry to raise something so sensitive but wanted to spare the embarrassment of doing this face to face which is why I’m texting. I am concerned for you as you may not be aware you have quite a strong body odour. I mention it because I'm worried there might be a medical reason behind it. Please don't be offended I really felt as a friend I should let you know and if you need any advice I'll gladly help."
It's a tricky one alright. It may even be something in her diet like coffee or onions etc. Either she'll improve her hygiene or get a medical check up. Good luck with it.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 13:07

Thanks for the advice. I am so dreading it Sad Is it really best to text her rather than have a chat? If it was you in her position would you prefer a text conversation to a face-to-face? Is it less embarrassing?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 13:12

I should also mention that the work I do from home is tutoring so I have people coming in and out of the house. So it's far from ideal for my business too.

OP posts:
Bezalelle · 30/01/2019 13:13

1 sugar and 1 salt in her tea

Eh?

InSightMars · 30/01/2019 13:17

This is not easy whatever you do but I think its going to be doubly embarrassing if you text her, first she’s going to be embarrassed by the text and then she’ll be dreading seeing you and being embarrassed all over again when she does come face to face with you. I’d do it face to face off the bat and get it over with.

Butterfly005 · 30/01/2019 13:17

I don't agree that texting is better than face-to-face - it'd make it really awkward when you next see her and texting can come across as cowardly. It won't be easy face-to-face but I do think that's the better solution. It's an awkward situation, OP, I do sympathise!

Seniorschoolmum · 30/01/2019 13:18

If she’s mid-twenties and working as an ad-hoc baby sitter, is this a financial problem?

Still needs dealing with though. Good luck.

oopslateagain · 30/01/2019 13:30

That's really awkward. I think I'd have to go for a face-to-face though, at least that way she won't be left staring at a text feeling terrible.

From your OP it sounds like you're in the house while she's watching the children? Maybe next time she comes you could ask her to sit down with you for a bit first. Say something along the lines of "I don't know if you're aware of this, but I've noticed quite a strong smell of body odour whenever you're here. It's making it quite awkward when I have students coming in. I don't know if you have a medical reason for it, but is there anything I can do to help with it?"

I agree it's a horrible thing to have to bring up.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 13:31

@Seniorschoolmum, no, she also works in a school and finishes at 3pm. She comes straight to me from there one afternoon a week.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 30/01/2019 13:34

Sometimes this is a method used by people who are being abused to keep others at bay, face to face may be better.

LordPickle · 30/01/2019 13:35

I once had a flat mate that I kicked out because he stank horribly. To the point where the bathroom would smell horrific AFTER he showered. It was awful.

I am a very non-confrontational person but I bit the bullet and told him point blank that he had to go because his personal hygiene was abhorrent. I still remember standing up to make us drinks and I could literally see my legs shaking in my loose work trousers. I was beyond nervous, but I did it. I couldn't live like that and I'm still really proud of myself for being honest and dealing with it.

Basically you need to be blunt and kind about it (if possible, it's a terrible situation) but do not leave any doubt as to what the problem is.

QuestionableMouse · 30/01/2019 13:38

Just don't do what an old boss did to a workmate of mine; throw a bar of soap at him and tell him he stinks... Was a very awkward moment for everyone.

Direct and to the point is the way to go though. 'xxx, the way you smell is becoming a problem. Can you please make sure you're fresh and clean before starting work. If needed you can use my shower before you start' Do it when she's finished so she can leave (because she's going to be upset or embarrassed) and then don't bring it up again unless it becomes a problem again (or doesn't change).

Does she cycle to yours by any chance?

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 13:39

@oopslateagain yes I am in the house while she is here. Thanks for the advice. I do agree that face to face is bette2r I must admit, but I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 30/01/2019 13:43

I think if you text her any of that she'll be absolutely mortified and never come back to work for you.

Could you go along the lines of trying to find the source of a bad smell while she's there? She might twig that it's her without you having to say anything direct about it.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 30/01/2019 13:45

Texting is much kinder as it allows her some space and privacy to absorb the message without having to worry about her reaction in front of you.

Be direct ‘hi babysitter, you’re fantastic with the kids and I’m so glad we found you. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’ve noticed recently a very strong body odour when you’re around. Sometimes it leaves a smell on the children and in the house once you’ve left. I feel awkward raising it, but I do need you to address this so that it’s a pleasant environment for everyone. If you’d like to discuss it in person please feel free to bring it up, but I won’t mention it again if you’d prefer as I know it’s a difficult subject. See you Monday’

StrongTea · 30/01/2019 13:46

Give her a really nice gift of toiletries, perfume, deodorant, chocs etc as a thank you for looking after the children so well?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 30/01/2019 13:47

I really wouldn’t bother beating around the bush, with someone who smells this bad they’re unlikely to pick up on very subtle clues like you asking her if she’s noticed a bad smell! Most of us are self aware enough to worry we have bad breath if we’re offered gum. It sounds like she’s oblivious, so just be straight. If it helps you to feel a bit better, remind yourself you’re her employer and you have certain standards that are absolutely fair for her to meet. There’s no magic way to do this without any awkwardness, it's an awkward topic. The main thing is that it gets done, kindly and soon.

Most people would feel embarrassed but after a bit of time would realise it’s better to experience embarrassment than to be stinking out the place wherever you go: that’s far more embarrassing, it’s just you don’t know it and everyone else does!

pinkfeathersandahulahulaskirt · 30/01/2019 13:49

I have to admit, I would be extremely cowardly here. Forget confronting her, tactful or not, it’s going to create bad feeling and then she’s going to be looking after your children?

Nope.

Plus, if she has to be told about poor hygiene can you realistically see it improving?

Cut your losses and dump her.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 30/01/2019 13:49

If she is coming to you from another job why not offer her the use of your bathroom /shower as she must feel in need of a refresh before starting for you... ? Hand her some smellies+ a towel.
If she refuses say you absolutely insist, you wouldn't be much of an employer if you didn't make sure she is fresh to go!!