Help me do this tactfully!

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

fruitbrewhaha

That really, really made me laugh 😂

To be honest, I think I'd just let her go. No real need to put yourself through all the toe-curling horror of a conversation with her about this when she's only babysitting once a week.

People rarely change even if you bring it up. And if she ignores it you’ll just feel even more awkward for having to let her go later. I would just start looking for someone new.

Some people have very poor/no sense of smell. My husband has no sense of smell at all - can’t smell food burning, body odour etc. This might be the case with her and she may not have anyone who has pointed out that she has problems with body odour - as you are finding it is something very difficult to do.

Probably her clothes that smell if not worn but not washed often enough, rinsed properly or put away damp, stored in a damp place... damp smells really horrible but you won't be aware if you live with it.
Please speak to her, texting is protecting yourself from embarrassment. I would want to know if it was me.

Let us know how it goes.

Hand her some smellies+ a towel.
If she refuses say you absolutely insist, you wouldn't be much of an employer if you didn't make sure she is fresh to go!!

That's creepy and not acceptable of an employer. Either address the issue directly or don't and give her her notice. Please don't play silly games like this.

Just be direct face to face as well so she can see you are being kind. You don't need to go into the reasoning on why she smells bad, as to me that is the awkward bit. Simply say you appreciate the way she looks after the children but that you have noticed a lingering smell when she is around that is unusual and uncomfortable other than that, you have no complaints and trust her to sort it out next time. A smell can be sorted.

What is the actual smell?

Mainly musty and unclean. A bit of stale sweat. She doesn't look awful...her clothes aren't visibly dirty and her hair is brushed. She's fresh faced, no make-up and she generally looks presentable. It's just the smell. She doesn't cycle to me from work, she drives.

Gah! So many mixed messages on whether to text or not, on whether to talk to her or just let her go! I hate this!

CoffeeChocolateWine

It sounds to me that her washing machine or living conditions may be much of the cause, compounded by additional perspiration ( stress from working in a school?). Perhaps you could casually mention that you think you may need to clean your washing machine because you have noticed that your clothes are not smelling as fresh as they used to after being washed.. saying "I know I'll use a Dr Beckman to see if that solves the problem". It could be the point at which your Baby sitter tells yo that she has a similar problem or that her washing machine is crap or that he residence has damp. It is worth a try.

Is anyone else sniffing themselves in a paranoid fashion?

If it's a musty smell it's possible she lives somewhere that's damp as that smell permeates everything - I used to work with someone who lived in a damp house and although she obviously washed and took pride in her appearance her clothes smelt awful. She had no idea but it was awful.
Do you know where she lives? I'm thinking she maybe doesn't have access to a washing machine and has to use a laundrette?

Friends of mine always smell slightly musty, you realise why when you go to their house. It’s a lovely house but there’s obviously damp, so everything smells damp and musty. When I visit them my clothes smell awful when I get home. It’s so obvious to me everything I’m wearing has to be washed.
I wonder if it’s that, and because she comes to you straight from working all day, she is a little sweaty and all the smells together mingle with the result you have?

Crossed post @DorisDay88 !

Could you bag up some nice toiletries for her and say to her you were having a clear out and got them for Christmas but have too many and would she like them.

If you make a big deal of it by being embarrassed or saying how delicate/difficult this is, then it'll BE a big deal and embarrassin

You have to find a way of doing it that makes it OK and sort of unremarkable. Think about how you would tell her something ordinary, like one child won't be in for supper so adjust quantities accodingly. Then try to adopt that tone.

Maybe her last class at school involves her having to run about a lot, so she works up a sweat? If that's so then she's far more likely to be delighted at the offer of a shower if youcan manage her later start with the baby.

Spray her with frebreeze on her way in - she’ll get the picture 😂

I was just about to ask: does she jog to work?

Gottensomedraws - and someone else said the same thing upthread 🙈
However think we're onto something

I had to have this conversation with someone at work recently. I read up a lot beforehand and I went for the clear but kind approach. There can be no ambiguity OP, you don't want to have this conversation a second time! Please do it face to face, text is just not appropriate in this situation, it's easy to misread the tone of a text. Tell her at the end of her shift, so she can run away immediately - you'll both want to!! Then she'll have time to digest it and do something about it before the next shift. Start and end with a positive, and sandwich the 'problem' in the middle. Keep it simple, "there's a problem with your personal hygiene, I'm not sure if it's your clothes or body, but the odour is quite strong" When the initial shock has died down, you can discuss what the problem could be and possible solutions ("feel free to leave some things here to freshen up when you arrive" or "feel free to throw some clothes in the wash while you're here") I'd follow up by text to check she's ok later on, but absolutely you need to deliver this message in person. Good luck!

Sounds like she doesn’t shower every day.
Is she wearing synthetic clothes as well.
Tell us how you handle it OP.

I think if I had the guts to, face to face would be better because I’d be worried she’d be rereading the text over and over and feeling horrible. Though to be fair she might replay the conversation in her head too..
ultimately though it’s for the greater good and even if she gets defensive at first, she ll be very very grateful someone told her.
Good luck!

Speaking from experience, woman at college don't go down the hinting route or buying toiletries she won't get it and the toiletries will go unused maybe passed to someone else, and she'll still smell.
you have to be direct, I know HR did at college, and I was glad it wasn't me that had to tell her. She never did change though, if anything it got worse.

Is she only using body spray, not proper deodorant maybe? My college roommate thought perfume bodyspray was the same as deodorant as that's what her mum always used. (they both smelt). She commented one day how sweaty she was & I whipped out mine & said it was better than a spray, try it. She was converted. Also my neighbours daughter used to smell. She wore a lot of polyester/nylon & again only used bodyspray. I point blank said I don't think your deodorants working (just matter of factly, almost in passing) and gave her one of mine & again said this is great & smells lovely, try it. She never smells now & wears more cotton.

No do not text
Whatever you do do not text

I couldn't deal with this. I'd have to fake my own death, move somewhere new and start over. lol.