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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 30/01/2019 15:12

I will be honest, if I was told that by text or face to face I would be mortified, so I don't really think it matters as long as your words are kind and you sound caring so I am sure you would be tactful. The only upside is you should feel glad you would have done her a favour that could improve her future, you never know how her aroma has affected interviews, etc so she will be able to resolve it hopefully.

Feel sorry for you both, you for having to say something, and her for the awful way she will feel.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/01/2019 15:12

Don’t agonise how to tell her. Either way it will be awkward and she may choose to stop working for you.

I’m sorry I have literally no advice, but good luck Flowers

Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 15:13

There really is no way to tell her without causing offence and bad feeling, I personally couldn't do it. I would feel too guilty for upsetting them.

JellyBears · 30/01/2019 15:14

It’s awkward and hard but frankly I’d rather someone kindly took me aside and told me I smelt or had bad breath then let me walk around like that.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 15:16

Thanks so much for everyone's input. Really appreciate it. And I think a combination of several of these suggestions will get the tone right.

Onestep I like your words here...
'...because you are great and I decided I'd rather risk this difficult message than let you go over something so relatively minor.'

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 30/01/2019 15:18

Hi, how's your day? You are really great with kids. You have BO

Grin Grin Grin

Pugwash1 · 30/01/2019 15:20

I had to tell a colleague she was whiffy. We were both in the military at the time and on deployment. Things are often done differently in the military that would never be done in civvie Street. I asked to have a word with her, told her to have a quick run around the rain locker and crack open some clean kit. She looked at me, laughed and we have been the best of mates ever since. And she's no longer whiffy. Not sure this is much help to you though in your instance. Whatever you do, do it face to face at the end of the day so she can leave after quickly. Be kind, be to the point and start and end on a positive. Good luck!

JellyBears · 30/01/2019 15:23

I changed my shower gel once and I noticed after a few days it wasn’t good for me as I could smell myself! So i stopped using it and I wouldn’t of been offended has someone mentioned it! In fact it was Baylis and Harding and I don’t recommend it haha

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 30/01/2019 15:33

I would probably sniff my pits and say, “oh not me....... thought I had bought a rubbish deodorant again. Some of them are so crap....”

Then ask her what she uses and when she says what brand - say I never found that one effective.....

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 30/01/2019 15:34

Of course she might be using a natural remedy and they are a bit crap.

VioletCharlotte · 30/01/2019 15:39

If it was me, I think I'd cut my losses, let her go and find someone else. I can't stand body odour, it's vile. She must know she smells, surely? You shouldn't need to have a conversation with an adult about this. If it was someone I managed at work, I would speak to them, but in this situation I'd let her go. I would be worried that bringing it up could turn her against me, and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children with someone who may have a grudge against me.

HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 30/01/2019 15:50

Fruit" "Hi, how's your day? You are really great with kids. You have BO".

Hahaha! Brilliant. Out of interest, what is your job/career? Genuinely curious!

HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 30/01/2019 15:51

(you're going to say counselling now, aren't you?!)

starfishmummy · 30/01/2019 15:54

Pugwash I had to tell a temp we had at work, she was just a young girl. I was acting as team leader at the time and the rest of the regular team had complained. The next day she asked me if things were better...she'd sprayed herself with what seemed like a whole can of Impulse. Nearly as bad!!

IlluminatiParty · 30/01/2019 15:56

Gosh how awkward.

If you do raise the issue it may go better than expected.

A young male colleague of mine was super smelly - greasy unwashed and with a terrible haircut and sticky glasses. Another colleague - much older had a word (about the smell, primarily) and then took him out for a makeover (no idea how this came about but it happened!) He chose new specs for him, got him a haircut, helped him pick out some new clothes and from that day he was a different person.

The smelly one was young and inexperienced basically and just needed a bit of taking in hand. He might have been upset privately I don't know but he was a different person afterwards, and seemed so much more happy and was with the company for years and did very well.

Now - obviouisly that's not a given, and I'd be mortified if someone said that to me at the age I am but if she is young she might take the advice on board. Being at work is in part being told what to do isn't it?

Being perfectly honest though I'd probably be a coward and just find another babysitter but I'm crap managing people.

LucyInTheSkyy · 30/01/2019 16:01

Hi Babysitter,
This is such a sensitive and delicate matter that it makes me very uncomfortable just writing it. We and the kids absolutely love having you around and thank you for all that you do.
I'm afraid that there is an issue with body odour control from yourself that has to be thought about. It's becoming quite overwhelming in the house and my clients have mentioned it a couple of times.
If it were me/ my daughter etc, I would much rather somebody told me sooner rather than later- I really don't mean to cause offence but if there's anything I can do to help- give me a shout!

Steamedbadger · 30/01/2019 16:05

Please talk to her face to face and don't text. Neither is going to be easy but a text is horrific.

IWantChocolates · 30/01/2019 16:13

Please don't let her go! It's something that can be solved easily. Just have a conversation with her. As I said, this happened to me. If I'd been sacked for it is have been devastated. I'm grateful that my manager pointed it out to me.

To those people saying sack her, you are being harsh! Help her by mentioning it, OP, please.

NutElla5x · 30/01/2019 16:15

I'm not sure how old your older kids are op,but if they're at that untactful age couldn't you encourage them to do your dirty work for you? A few "Pooh you smell" comments from them should get the message across and gets you off the hook Grin

QuimReaper · 30/01/2019 16:15

I'm surprised there aren't more people like me, who would rather receive this information by text, when I was alone and could compose myself. I'd feel very put-on-the-spot if someone said it to my face, and as a PP said I'd probably want to cry and would be totally lost for words.

Yulebealrite · 30/01/2019 16:22

I think I'd rather hear it by text too.

Best in a shit sandwich. Text something nice, deliver the bad news then finish with something nice again.

because you are great and I decided I'd rather risk this difficult message than let you go over something so relatively minor.' Should definitely be one side of the sandwich.

floribunda18 · 30/01/2019 16:27

I'd complain about the smell, but not attribute it to her. "Can you smell something? I think the drains might be blocked. Perhaps I'll give the bin a good clean. Have you noticed it?" Then hope she realises it's her and has a wash.

chemenger · 30/01/2019 16:29

On a practical note, if part of the problem is that she comes straight from her other job could you offer to let her have a shower and change into fresh clothes when she arrives at yours? Or use your washing machine while she's there if it is lack of laundry facilities?

BlankTimes · 30/01/2019 16:39

she also works in a school and finishes at 3pm. She comes straight to me from there one afternoon a week

As she's working in a school before she comes to you, how come the staff and/or pupils haven't said anything to her?
Does she wear a nylon overall at the school or does she wear synthetic fabrics?

Young kids aren't known for their tact and if her problem is enough to make your home smell, I'm sure someone at the school would have said something before now.

SabineUndine · 30/01/2019 16:54

It's just possible she has already been told about this. I used to work with someone whose BO was pretty bad. Also her body language would get very aggressive if you ever mentioned anything like washing or deodorants. It was clear she had been told about it but she just chose to ignore what people said. Then suddenly she came back from a holiday and the BO was gone. We think someone must have picked her up on it big time. So tbh OP, I would just say 'I don't want to hurt your feelings, but do you realise you have BO?' There is no tactful way of putting it. It's possible that there's a problem with bath/shower facilities where she lives, or that she's from a family where they just don't bother.