Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
RebelWitchFace · 30/01/2019 16:59

The issue might be that she is coming straight from work. Even if she washes in the morning and uses deodorant there are people that still smell after a while. Depending on how much running around her job involves , how hot the classrooms might be etc it might just be that she needs to freshen herself.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 30/01/2019 17:00

OP, you are describing what I typically know as 'fat person smell', or 'sweaty bum crack smell'.

Before I get flamed for this, I am obese and it's something I'm very particular about avoiding, myself.

As a person very sensitive to smell, who also sweats a lot, even when I was a skinny minnie, I've tried all the products, tested how many times to wash and what with etc. And I've worked out how many times I can wear certain items. I do smell tests on my clothes, my pits, everything. May sound extreme but it's just part of my routine and I don't think about it.

Last year I made a new friend who was nearly twice my size. He ran a shop and you'd go in and it stank of a man who didn't wash his clothes til he had worn them around a week. It wasn't pungent armpit smells after a workout; it was unwashed stale clothes and sweaty bum crack.

I put it down to or being the summer and the air-con was non existent. But we started meeting up outside of his work place and he came over a few times. I had to wash the stuff he sat on in the washing machine (was moving, had no sofa, just my bed on the floor, so I mean duvets - it was even in the mattress!)

I did eventually talk to him about it bluntly. I'm not very good with social skills but he took it well. I just said to him how it felt when we walked into his shop, and how his scent filled any room he was in. He admitted to not showering every day and not washing clothes for a good week. But nothing seemed to change drastically. And since I've moved we've not been in much contact and haven't seen each other so I've no idea if things have improved. It was difficult but it felt better saying something.

My partner started getting that smell at the end of the summer and he's obese, he doesn't shower before work and doesn't always change his clothes often enough. It's a contentious issue for us but he understands.

cricketmum84 · 30/01/2019 17:02

I think text is the way to go here.

I've been on the opposite side of this - as a teenager and I had a very long walk uphill to get to work. In summer I would get sweaty even taking deodorant with me to work. I was taken aside by a senior member of staff and handed a can of deodorant and told that the people who worked alongside me had complained. I was utterly mortified and burst into tears.

I would have coped with a text much better!

whatsthepointthen · 30/01/2019 17:18

I would rather it be text aswell
if it was me. F2F i would feel humiliated.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 30/01/2019 18:06

Whatever you do, please don't pretend you think there's a terrible smell coming from somewhere else... it will be so obvious and the poor woman will be mortified! Polite honesty is so much nicer than passive hinting

HollowTalk · 30/01/2019 18:09

I've been thinking and thinking about this and there just isn't a nice way of saying it!

Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 18:25

Absolutely NOT BY TEXT AAAARGH

Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 18:30

I don't really think anyone apart from a family member can do this without causing mortification. I had a flatmate with a problem for 4 years. She went to live in America and was told just about get away with " About time you changed that jumper it's getting a bit whiffy" Note its not you its the jumper. Usually does the trick

Rightsaidmabel · 30/01/2019 18:49

The sensible way is,along these straightforward,uncritical, but clear lines
"I need to address something with you,you may find it embarrassing but don't ,it could be anyone with this problem.
I notice your body odour, I'm not concerned at the reason why,nor is this a judgement on how good you are at your job.Just a problem I need you to know about so it can be sorted.Is there any way I can help?

Withasideofbeans · 30/01/2019 18:59

I’ve been thinking about how I’d take it if I was told I had BO, and what way I’d prefer to be told (I haven’t by the way!)
Could you try and make it a bit jokey and nonchalant, eg “phwoar you’re a bit whiffy today babysitter, hard day at work?” (Maybe said in a jokey way and throw in a giggle) and then change the subject? That way it’s been brought to her attention that she doesn’t smell pleasant, but it’s not made into a big deal?
I don’t envy you, it’s so awkward to bring something like this up as you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings Sad

Gth1234 · 30/01/2019 19:10

Can't you just get a new baby sitter. ?

BlancheM · 30/01/2019 19:11

What if it's fish odour syndrome (not always fish smelling) and she can't change it?
There was a girl at uni who had a medical problem which gave her BO, I realised she was aware of it as whenever we went to the loo at the same time to touch up makeup, she'd go into a cubicle and you could hear her spraying herself with deodorant. It's so tricky!

whatthefoxsaid · 30/01/2019 19:18

Sorry for your awkward situation!
I was thinking about how I'd like to be told I had BO (text! F2f would be way more embarrassing) and it got me wondering if maybe how you'd tell somebody might be reflective of how you'd like to be told.
So, if you know her well enough, how do you think she would approach it if you had BO?

BlueJava · 30/01/2019 19:21

I would do it at the end of her stint. Sit down, tell her kindly and just say "I know this is going to be embarrassing and difficult. I appreciate the way you look after DC and do you job. But I have a problem with your personal hygeine because you have a body odour problem. Please can you take more care on the day you come here, because otherwise I'll have to make alternative arrangements". If she kicks off just point out you could have dumped her.

expatmigrant · 30/01/2019 19:34

What BlueJava said.
Completely agree. I had to do this with a work experience lad once. He was lovely but had no clue about how bad he smelled, although I could see that he was showered and looked clean. Sat him down one day and told him that I was really impressed with his time keeping and work etc for somebody so young, but.... He did get a bit embarrassed but soon realised I was doing for his own good. I had actually bought him a couple of products for him to try. He took it all on board and gave me a big hug when he left.
So if you really like this lady and she does a good job, then tell her face to face. The worst thing that could happen is that she won't come back.

Casschops · 30/01/2019 19:42

I have come up against this one at work. Girl in question was a star lovely kind person but with very low self esteem it appeared to be a cycle. The smell of her body odour was very overpowering and people were taking about her which I thought not fair. I bought some nice smellies for her for her birthday and then occassionally gave her some shower gel and told her I'd got it on a buy one get one free. Didn't need to spend d much but I noticed that after s few weeks she started getting I to a good routine taking pride in herself. It's so hard but this worked well for her. You might be able to change things for her. Glad you are thinking kindly.

SuperMam123 · 30/01/2019 20:46

I'd be direct and say to her face are you aware of a musty smell on your clothing? It's becoming quite overpowering and is affecting my students. You have full use of my shower should you feel like you want to freshen up etc etc. I'd hate for this to become a problem because you are wonderful at your job.
She might not know, I once lived in a house that had a room full of damp and mould. Unbeknownst to me my clothes smelled musty. I was used to the smell you see. It wasn't until my Mam told me that I knew of the problem. I used the strongest scented washing detergent I could find but it made no use, it was the musty smell in the house.

Browntile · 31/01/2019 10:10

How did you get on? I have a similar issue I’m trying to decide how to deal with! Good luck.

Sparklesocks · 31/01/2019 11:43

Oh OP I feel for you, this is such a difficult and awkward thing to bring up. I second a text and just being as kind as possible.

When I was at secondary school I had a classmate who had terrible BO. We were about 15 but she hadn’t seem to have cottoned on to the fact that being a teen meant needing to wear deodorant everyday, showering more often and washing clothes not just when they look physically dirty etc (for which I do blame her parents who clearly didn’t teach her). It was really overwhelming and nobody knew how to broach it with her (which I think was also due to awkward teens not knowing how to tackle these things).
For her birthday all of her presents from her friends were bath stuff sets – body shop, boots, one person even got her a ‘sure’ deodorant gift pack thing! It was really embarrassing, and about halfway through she said ‘haha are you trying to tell me I smell or something?’ and her face dropped when she realised how awkward everyone looked. Awful! Looking back I wish someone had just had a quiet friendly word with her about it.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/01/2019 12:33

HaveYouNamechangedForThis
Fruit" "Hi, how's your day? You are really great with kids. You have BO".

Hahaha! Brilliant. Out of interest, what is your job/career? Genuinely curious!

I own a pub!

fruitbrewhaha · 31/01/2019 12:38

I have had to deal with this in a previous role though. If you go down the text route it does make it embarrassing. Whereas if you just come out and say it, like it's just another instruction for the day, it's less so for her.

RoboticSealpup · 31/01/2019 12:44

Agree with a PP who suggested you frame it as "your clothes smell" rather than "you smell". Might be easier to hear.

mumda · 31/01/2019 17:26

Is it clothes that aren't being washed in a machine or a dirty body?

You can fix either by offering the use of your bathroom and laundry facilities.

How do you do it tactfully? Pfft, kindly and with warmth and generosity.

Deminism · 31/01/2019 17:48

Could you be pregnant op? When I was pregnant a new colleague stank and I had a real issue with him but turns out it was just the pregnancy hormones.

GimmeBread · 31/01/2019 17:48

@Mummyto2munchkins I use to put 1 sugar and 1 salt in her tea mind you!)

I wish I'd thought of doing this to my bitch of a SM but I was too scared of getting battered! Grin