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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
dorisdog · 01/02/2019 13:32

I'm rubbish at this sort of thing, but I have a friend who's brilliant at it.

She would probably: say it very straighforwardly - like 'really appreciate having you. You are fab with the kids and I don't want to lose you. I don't know know whether you realise, but you have strong body odor. Would you like to clean up/shower when you arrive here or is there another way to solve it. If there's a reason for it, or if I've upset you by raising it, I'd love to talk that through.' This would the start. You might need to be prepared for it to end in anger/tears/leaving/legitimate reasons.

orangecushion · 01/02/2019 13:57

Why don't you start with the heavy hints and work your way up to the full convo?

HandFinisher · 01/02/2019 21:04

My two penny worth is, face to face conversation... it gets the embarrassment over and done with with, if you text you still have to deal with that first meeting after the conversation where no one knows what to say... also if she needs help/advice it will be easier for her to ask you if it’s something you’ve dealt with face to face.

Also, I am a fat person who sweats a lot! I would appreciate an employer (or friend) who sat me down and told me that I smell... as it’s something I am terrified of (being smelly). I’ve worked with people with poor personal hygiene and I know how they are viewed and usually fired/managed out even if they are good at their jobs.

Good luck what ever you decide.

Aridane · 01/02/2019 21:53

In my 30s, before children, me and my husband used to notice our clothes smelt a little sometimes. It was because the washing machine was only used a few times a week...maybe bacteria grew in the machine between washes?

Nah - something very wrong with your old washing machine!

Schoolmam · 01/02/2019 21:58

Op did you just notice this smell when she started coming straight from work? I work in a school and by the end of the day my clothes smell really badly of musty old paper, exercise books, equipment etc to the point that when I call in on a relative on the way home it's a standing joke that they smell me before they see me. On the days I see them when I'm not at work there's no issue so not me that the smell is coming from. Also my work coat and bag that stays in my locker has the same smell - it clings to everything. As soon as you described the smell and mentioned she works in a school I wondered if it was a similar thing.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 01/02/2019 22:41

@Schoolmam, the first time I met her we were sat outside at a cafe. I didn’t notice anything. The first time she came round I noticed a bit of a whiff; second time I didn’t. Since then it has got progressively worse to the point where it was pretty awful the last time she came and prompted my post because I felt that I couldn’t keep inflicting this on my children and the fact that I was paying her to do a job and she was creating work for me (ie. cleaning and deodorising the house and bathing my baby when she wouldn’t otherwise have been due a bath). But she does do a good job and she’s a lovely person. And a lot of people have suggested cutting my losses and hiring another babysitter but I’ve had such a difficult time trying to find someone who takes a 3-hour a week job seriously enough to commit to it each week so I’m reluctant to just dismiss her if we can resolve this. It’s hard.

OP posts:
Schoolmam · 01/02/2019 22:50

Sounds like it's not maybe a work problem then if it's getting progressively worse. A difficult situation but sounds like she's worth sticking with if you can get her to deal with the odour.

llizzie · 02/02/2019 02:04

Does she smoke do you think? People who smoke do not realise how the smell sticks to their clothes and some clothes don't get washed very often.

I say this because people have come into the house to help and it is really bad.

KeiTeNgeNge · 02/02/2019 02:21

It’s a tricky one

orangecushion · 02/02/2019 11:53

If there is some odour why would you need to clean a house and bath a baby?

Surely you would just open a window and spray Fabreeze?

Aridane · 02/02/2019 12:49

Oh - I've only just noticed it's 3 hours a week!! In which case, scrub my previous responses about speak g to her, I would probably just suck it up and open the windows afterwards.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2019 13:41

"It was because the washing machine was only used a few times a week"

What???
I only use my washing machine on the weekend.

Aridane · 02/02/2019 14:19

I know, that one cracked me up!

JaneyJimplin · 02/02/2019 19:22

I know it's really awkward, but I think it needs to be face to face.

I'd sit her down 5 mins before she finishes work with you and ask for a chat. Say "im really happy with the work you're doing and you're a godsend with baby. However, this is a bit awkward, but you smell quite strongly. I guess you're rushing around at work all day and maybe don't notice, but I think your deodorant possibly isn't working as well as it should. I hope you're not offended - I just think I'd rather someone tell me if it were me."

And hope she doesn't burst in to tears or punch you.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 03/02/2019 08:27

If there is some odour why would you need to clean a house and bath a baby?

Ok, maybe cleaning and deodourising the house was an exaggeration...but I deodorise the downstairs with fabreeze and open windows and on one occasions I ended up having to wash a sofa throw and cushions because I could smell the odour on them. I always have to bath my baby afterwards as the smell transfers to her and especially her hair from where she been holding her.

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 03/02/2019 08:32

Some people smell bad. One of the cleaners we've had used to leave a weird, musty smell behind every week. She looked clean and well turned out, and the smell was mixed with "clean" smells like fresh clothes and clean hair. I don't think it was a lack of hygiene in her case.

EggysMom · 03/02/2019 08:42

Is it BO, or is it really hot/sweaty feet - but with more of a musty rather than cheesy smell?

I'm sure there was something on Watchdog a couple of years ago about certain brands of trainers giving off a horrendous sweaty smell even when washed and clean, it was something in the glue.

I only mention this because my normally nose-friendly DH recently developed a musty smell, even he has noticed it himself, and we've narrowed it down to the trainers he wears all day. He has RLS with really hot feet even when it's icy cold out.

eternalopt · 04/02/2019 20:35

How did it go today op?

MissUGirl · 04/02/2019 20:53

She could be sick and it's nothing to do with hygeine. Tell her.

My upstairs neighbour in my old building used to smell really bad—like rotting meat! I smelled that smell in one of the local shops one day and then I realised she was one of the check-out girls. She was a young woman and always looked clean and her husband was dead gorgeous to boot! Perhaps he had no sense of smell. In later years I wondered if she had some kind of illness.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 04/02/2019 21:38

Well, not sure quite what to read into this. I’ve been thinking about it on and off all week and been planning and practising what I was going to say, she came round today and...no whiff at all! While this was obviously quite a relief, I’m now a bit worried she’s read this thread Blush Shock Hopefully not though as she was as friendly as ever. But it does kind of suggest that it’s not a medical issue, if there was a problem with her washing machine perhaps there isn’t anymore...I think maybe she’s not that big on showering. Maybe I’ll just have to see what happens in the future and deal with it if it goes downhill again. At least I know what I’ll say now.

OP posts:
cheesemongery · 04/02/2019 21:38

I remember as an 18 year old working in an office that I gave off a really strong smell - a bit like tarmac! That's all I could equate it too. I'm not sure if it was a hormonal thing at the time, I was very self conscious about it and over the top with hygiene but this tar smell kept coming through.

People would comment and it was mortifying, I'm still wondering what it was.

My Nan had a friend who absolutely stunk her house out with the smell of cabbage - it wasn't farting or bad hygiene , she just stunk of it. You could put it down to old lady smell, but Nan had a few friends and none were like that.

It could be just her washing machine, an old one of mine would never get anything smelling fresh and also in the winter drying clothes in doors. I don't know...

linda30 · 04/02/2019 22:19

I think many have said this already, if I was in her position I would like for the person to be honest but gentle. I don't think there is anything worse than people trying to be 'tactful' about such things. I once came to the office after DS vommitted on my sleeve, didn't have the space or time to change so just wiped it off and thought I was okay. Then my 'lovely' coworker spent the best part of the morning asking about my 'shower routine' and smelling herself ('just checking my pits!'- she never does this normally.) It was the most humiliating thing ever. But then I doubt she actually had kind intentions like you.

macblank · 04/02/2019 22:29

If you bought a chicken in Waitrose and it smelt funny, would you take it back?

Well, you're paying for a service, if that service is not to scratch in your eyes (and that's all that matters as the employer) then you must...

Either
sack her/let her go, and offer no reason. It's your choice.
Have words about why she might smell. It maybe she doesn't realise, or she comes to you after the gym etc.
Could be (not so frequent) have a.mesical condition.

orangecushion · 05/02/2019 11:31

Maybe you could say something like " you are doing a great job with my children. It must be hard to be so well presented after a day running round after little ones. Please take 5 mins to catch your breath/freshen up here"

MummyofTw0 · 06/02/2019 08:21

I love all these posters who are saying they would speak to her

Yes that would be the right thing to do. But...

Would you REALLY? Christ I'd be too embarrassed to say anything.

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