Help me do this tactfully!

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

i wonder if she's getting sweaty at work and then going straight from one job to another i reckon most people would smell a bit if the first one was active. Those deodorant wipes are a good solution. The musty smell can be an old washing machine - before we replaced ours years back, our clothes smelled like that when they came out of the machine!

In reality, I reckon I'd find someone else rather than say something so hard to say (coward emoji), but the right thing to do is to be honest so that she can do something about it, probably for the next job though as she may be too ashamed to carry on.

While it's difficult to find a kind way to bring this subject up you're going to have to say something as it won't get better by itself.

There was a bloke I worked with who had this problem. A brave and outspoken employee said to him, "I think personal hygiene is very important, don't you?" - fairly subtle. It must have hit home as he took the hump, got up from his desk and went out of the office for a bit.

We don't like to upset people though, do we? Like you I hate confrontation. It seems the cowardly way out but do you have a braver friend who could do the dirty work for you? Otherwise there is some great advice on here. Best of luck.

yes thinking back, my money is on a combo of fairly active first job, and an old washing machine that's not cleaning her clothes properly. I still remember the smell of my clothes!

She may have a medical condition, may not have any money or may just have bad hygeine standards.

I would let her know face to face that you've noticed she has body odour and ask if she's okay. I think the best way to go about is offer support and a friendly ear. She may well confide in you.

OP I don't think you need to agonise about whether to text or do it face to face, it's much of a muchness really. Just spend a few minutes visualising each scenario and see which one makes you feel the least uncomfortable (imagining yourself on the receiving end too).

Personally I'm pretty sure I'd text, but it's difficult to know without being in the situation in reality. I think I'd go for something like:

"Hey Jane, thanks for all your hard work today. I wanted to bring something up with you but felt a bit awkward about it, hence the text - I've noticed you've smelt a bit stale/sweaty the last couple of weeks. I wasn't sure whether to mention it but I'd want to know if it were me! Just wanted you to know you're welcome to run a load of laundry through whilst you're here if your machine's on the blink, or to hop in the shower before you take over the kids."

Suggesting it's a recent problem and offering her the excuse of it being a plumbing problem might make her feel a bit less awkward.

In any case do keep reminding yourself that you're doing her a kindness, because as you yourself said, the easiest thing would be to avoid confrontation altogether and find an excuse to fire her, which will almost certainly happen to her at some point if you don't tell her.

Please do this face to face. By text wold be humiliating and I'd never want to see you again. Here's another link for a suggestion of how to have this conversation as tactfully and as kindly as possible www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/2017/05/how-to-address-bad-body-odor/

yes, even if she ends up leaving, letting her know is a kindness because she could go on to lose subsequent jobs if you don't....i also think the laundry/shower suggestions are good.

Could it be her washing machine? I had one once that left the clothes smelling musty. It was old and needed replacing.

i remember the clothes were smellier towards the end of the day too. My landlords had had the machine for 20 years and it 'still worked'

In addition to all this advice, pls don't spray chemical smell-concealing sh*te in your home. These products often contain carcinogens and can trigger asthma and allergies in ppl who live in the home.

I'd go along the road of saying "I hope you don't mind me saying but your clothes smell very strongly of school when you're here, and it's really noticeable. I know you can't help it, but would it be possible in future for you to change before you get here? " She may be wearing a "uniform" for school all week and not notice the smell.

I used to work in an old school 3 mornings a week, and noticed my clothes smelt really musty afterwards so I'd get changed right away.

"Hey Jane, thanks for all your hard work today. I wanted to bring something up with you but felt a bit awkward about it, hence the text - I've noticed you've smelt a bit stale/sweaty the last couple of weeks. I wasn't sure whether to mention it but I'd want to know if it were me! Just wanted you to know you're welcome to run a load of laundry through whilst you're here if your machine's on the blink, or to hop in the shower before you take over the kids."

I think is so kindly put and gets the tone right

If I absolutely had to mention this, I'd say something like:

Hi
I have a problem that is starting to affect our working relationship and I don;t want it to because I thinkl you are a great carer and my DC love you. It's this: I'm really aware of your body odour. I know this is embarassing but it's become an issue. Can I ask you to have a good scrub and hair wash before you come to us? It's probably because my sense of smell got sensitive during pregnancy and hasn't calmed down, but I do start to feel sick easily. I completely understand if you take offence but I hope with all my heart you don't, because you are great and I decided I'd rather risk this difficult message than let you go over something so relatively minor.

Best wishes etc

your clothes smell very strongly of school

I think that's a bit cryptic.

It needs to be face to face. You are her employer in this instance. Not a friend or relative. It is not appropriate for an employer to send this in a message. It needs to be dealt with face to face, so nothing is misconstrued. She won't read it in a kind voice; she will read a text as bullying. Face to face prevents anything getting lost in translation and is just more professional.

Oh God don't say she makes you feel sick, that's twisting the knife!

I am a total coward and would just say that you don't need her anymore !!

VietnameseCrispyFish so funny! I love Ask A Manager!!!

OP - I think you should do it face to face if you have an opportunity to talk without the children interrupting. You raise something you need to talk about anyway, like parking routines or whatever, and then add on the script. But if your kids are always running around when you're there I think text is fine, but use same method maybe? Something you need to raise and tack on the message.

(but face to face is better, you can use smiles and body language to be polite)

Offering her a shower won't help as her clothes will still be smelly...so you'd need to offer a change of clothes too.

Just find another babysitter.

Didn’t you notice the smell when you met her, prior to employing her? Is it a recent thing?

quim and one have nice messages.

I think the problem is coming from work straight to yours. If I've had a stressful day at work then I can definitely begin to smell it on the way home. If I don't then change it will get picked up by DD (who has sensory issues in general and with smells in particular).

So maybe the offer of a shower before taking over kids would be welcome....it probably won't help if she doesn't change clothes though.

I would absolutely prefer for someone to raise this with me by message, and I think lots of the suggestions in this thread convey a sensitive tone and a great amount of praise also.

Face to face I might burst into tears and THEN feel unable to face you.

Musty smell can be the machine but is more likely to be:

a) Clothes that aren't dried in a timely fashion - or are bundled up too close on the drying rack.
b) Damp-ish living accommodation. It doesn't have to have black damp spores, just badly ventilated.
c) Clothes that aren't washed often enough, or at a hot enough temperature, so they never really get clean in the first place.

Stale is more likely to be unwashed body plus clothes worn once too often (pyjamas can smell like this - not dirty, or BO, just stale).

BO is not using deodorant and/or not washing underclothes such as bra often enough (and at a high enough temperature to kill off the bacteria when they are washed).

Basically if it was fresh sweat then that would just be a deodorant, but as it's musty, stale and BO combined then I think it's a general overall hygiene issue. Again, not saying that she's ick - just that we all have our own personal levels, as is seen on here time and again in debates about how often people wash their bedding, hair, clothes and so on.

I'm not sure it's a simple job for her to remedy, or if she can keep it up, or if she wants to.

Face to face.

And just come out and tell her. Don't do all the "it's embarrassing", "i'm telling you as a friend", just be straight and say it.

Hi, how's your day? You are really great with kids. You have BO, could you have a wash and change or try a different deodorant? There's chicken in the fridge for dinner. Kettle's just boiled, I'm off to prepare, thanks.

Think I’d be a total coward and say something like “whheewww there’s a really strange smell in here”, sniff yourself and look confused as you realise it’s not coming from you, and hope that she’d get the hint!

If that didn’t work I would do it face to face. Via text will just be awkward next time you see each other. Plus she’ll probably read it back over and over again and could get upset over it.