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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
callkiki · 30/01/2019 13:50

It could be her living situation means that she is so short of money which is why she is willing to work for only 3 hours per week.

I know when my ex left and took all the money and it took months to get any coming in, I had to make decisions on whether I could afford 22 pence pot noodles at Aldi and laundry soap and shampoo were a luxury.

My Ex was so vindictive after I had him arrested for assaulting me that when he had 3 hour access to the house to get his belongings, he removed every bit of food, all the lotions, potions, bedding, towels, even my clothes and left me 1 roll of toilet paper and 1 tin of beans so she could in a serious money shortage situation.

No matter what this will be embarrassing for both of you and would make sure you praise her child care and thank her for making it possible for you to get your work done. I would say something along the lines of -

I really hate to mention this but I've noticed you have a strong odor and wanted to know if there is anything I should know such as a medical condition or if there is anything I can do to help you with it.

Personally, I would do it at the end of her sitting for you and ask her if you could talk to her a minute as it might be easier to get past the embarrassment as by text, she might not respond or ever come back.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 30/01/2019 13:50

And you don’t need to get over invested offering her the use of your shower, to help her find toiletries, giving her cleaning products, if anything that’ll be more embarrassing for her. She’s an adult, tell her there’s a problem and give her the dignity of being able to resolve it.

If you do want to help her save face you could include in the message something like ‘I know in the past I’ve had something similar happen if I’ve left my clothes in the washing machine too long, not sure if that’s what the smell is but it’s something to consider’. She will probably feel better with that get our clause, so she can improve her hygiene and blame it on the way she’s washing her clothes rather than her own personal hygiene, even if only to herself.

banivani · 30/01/2019 13:52

askamanager.org has this script: I want to mention something else as well. It’s awkward, and I hope I don’t offend you. You’ve had a noticeable odor lately. It might be a need to wash clothes more frequently or shower more, or it could be a medical problem. This is the kind of thing that people often don’t realize about themselves, so I wanted to bring it to your attention and ask you to see what you can do about it.

www.askamanager.org/2013/04/how-to-talk-to-an-employee-about-body-odor.html

It's pretty good I think! Very difficult conversation to have with someone. :(

VietnameseCrispyFish · 30/01/2019 13:53

If she is coming to you from another job why not offer her the use of your bathroom /shower as she must feel in need of a refresh before starting for you... ? Hand her some smellies+ a towel.
If she refuses say you absolutely insist, you wouldn't be much of an employer if you didn't make sure she is fresh to go!!

Noooooo!! Imagine your employer acting like they can insist on you disrobing and getting naked in their house/your place of work!?

Plus if she’s smelling this bad I doubt you want her using your bathroom, it’ll probably smell awful even if she does shower, and the problem may be that she isn’t showering or doesn’t do it thoroughly enough anyway.

Some good advice here OP

www.askamanager.org/2013/04/how-to-talk-to-an-employee-about-body-odor.html

Advises being direct.

callkiki · 30/01/2019 13:54

Sorry, missed the update about her working while cross posting. Obviously if she has a full time job and has this issue, I would assume it's either poor hygiene but would have thought it would have been raised at the school.

I would still ask if there is a medical issue that you aren't aware of as you have noticed she has a strong odor and didn't know if she was aware of it.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 30/01/2019 13:54

Omg banivani what a cross post! Same link! I don’t know anyone else who even knows AMA! What a coincidence!

NoShelfElf · 30/01/2019 13:57

What is the actual smell? Does she appear unwashed or could it be dirty clothes? As others say, it could be medical but it could be that her home smells and her clothes are tainted or simply not washed often enough. If she works in a school, she is likely to be in close contact with others during the day too, so it sounds as though this chat could really be a positive thing for her.
Try not to feel embarrassed even is she is. I was told that feedback such as this should be in the form of a shit sandwich - say something positive, then the tricky bit but end with positive. Let her know that you feel you know her well enough to tell her and you value her skills and personally.
I hope it goes well for both of you.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 30/01/2019 13:57

There is no kind way to do this. There just isn't. So you've got to accept that it's uncomfortable and embarassing and steamroll through it.

Do it face to face, and don't embellish with comments about students coming and complaining or the children smelling as that would feel like rubbing salt in the wound.

Just a few short sentences, 'Hi babysitter. Just a quick word before you leave today. I am sorry to bring this to your attention but I've noticed a strong body odour smell when you are here and unfortunately it's not something we can continue to ignore. Running around after kids all day in school is probably the cause, but you need to rectify that before you arrive here or feel free to freshen up in the bathroom before you start. Please don't feel embarrassed about coming back; this isn't a big issue and should be an easy fix. Thanks for your understanding".

Pinkbells · 30/01/2019 13:58

I wouldn't say anything to her, just find someone else.

Aaaahfuck · 30/01/2019 13:59

Is she managing OK financially? Just I've worked with some people in poverty as a support worker and wahing/cleaning clothes can be expensive. For example if you don't have a washing machine or can't get the shower fixed. Even putting money on pre payment gas cards is difficult if you don't have the money it's not the same as using it and worrying about the bills later.

IWantChocolates · 30/01/2019 14:00

As someone who suffered body odour issues in the past, I can guarantee whatever you say she will be upset. I had one manager say it to me and one family member, face-to-face, and I remember both even 15-20 years on.

But I'm grateful to the people who spoke to me. Saved me much embarrassment in the long run. And I managed to see and speak to those people again afterwards so clearly it didn't feel too awkward!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2019 14:02

I agree with Chrisjen, normally I'd say put things in a text,but the voice you use to write it, might not be the voice she reads it in. Face to face for this one, then you know that she can hear it being said in a kindly voice. and I'd also give her a gift set of deo, shampoo, shower gel etc.. because at least she might enjoy them and it does come across as more supportive.
I also think you hve to judge whether she will want to continue or might resent it and whether you do need to get someone else in for that reason, although if you are in the house, that may not be an issue. good luck

HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 30/01/2019 14:07

Well, you have two choices. Tell her face to face (I wouldn't do it by text) or let her go.

I am a total coward so I'd let her go probably by saying you have your friend to help out with the kids (friend as in, another babysitter but described as a friend to her!) for the time being but she's done an excellent job and you're sorry to see her go, will give her a call if the situation changes etc.

The trouble is, it's not just deodorant necessarily. Smelling of sweat in winter when it's not warm overall could well be to do with lack of clothes and body washing. I had a colleague who sweated but she also didn't wash her bras or her clothes that often - I mean I could tell about the clothes, but the bras she freely admitted in a conversation about something related (swimwear, leading onto how badly a lot of it fits, which led to bra chat) to saying she didn't really bother with underwear, she just had the two bras and wore them for ages etc. It was the sweaty bra which was the problem as well as the fact she didn't shower that often (didn't see the need) and wasn't that great at washing clothes. No medical or mental health problem, just that she personally did not bother so much about personal hygiene. She had her own level she was happy with and it never occurred to her that she smelled of BO so badly.

It's not always down to 'a medical issue' or 'a mental health' issue. Sometimes some people just don't bother as much as others. One person's clean is another person's dirty and all that. Different standards, we're all individual.

So I don't think suggesting deororant will solve the problem necessarily if her washing of clothes and body isn't up to scratch. That's why you would need to dig into those topics (uncomfortable) and then she'd have to implement them (or not).

Then if the problem doesn't go away you'll have to sack her on a made-up excuse, which is unfair and she'll guess it's the BO, or you'll have to sack her for BO which is double embarrassing for both of you.

CantWaitToRetire · 30/01/2019 14:08

Definitely do it face to face, not via text or email. Make sure you're somewhere private. Tell the babysitter you have to discuss a difficult topic with her. Be respectful but use tactful terms eg "you are coming to work with a strong body odour", not "is there something wrong with you because you smell". Open the conversation, eg "Are you aware of this, or do you think it is something you can take care of?" Give the babysitter chance to speak - she may reveal it's due to a medical issue for example. By the end of the meeting, make sure you communicate your expectations and next steps.

For a personal issue such as hygiene, the only approach is to be direct, use simple language and get to the point. Don't try to soften the blow too much (I'm really sorry....This is really embarrassing..) because it can make a bigger deal of the issue than is necessary.
There will undoubtedly be initial embarrassment for you and the babysitter but once you start discussing the practicalities you can move on. Good luck OP.

Iloveautumnleaves · 30/01/2019 14:09

I wonder how the school is coping with this? Kids are usually pretty frank...and brutal.

HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 30/01/2019 14:10

Duckbilled "I'd also give her a gift set of deo, shampoo, shower gel etc.. because at least she might enjoy them and it does come across as more supportive." I personally think it's kindly, but it could be seen as patronising too. Basically suggesting she is dirty/smelly/can't afford personal hygiene products/doesn't know how to buy her own (clearly she's competent enough to be in charge of kids though).

headshoulderskneesandtoe · 30/01/2019 14:13

I had a staff member who I had to speak to about this. I remember my heart racing and I felt so nervous (and terrible!). I prepared in advance what I was going to say and made it as quick as possible.

I just acknowledged it was really awkward and embarrassing, but she would need to improve her personal hygiene as she has a quite noticeable body odious and was affecting performance (health setting and patients were complaining!) I finished on a positive about her performance and nice feedback, but did it at the end of the day so that she could process it herself. We never spoke of it again and didn't need to.

Such a difficult one!

DarlingNikita · 30/01/2019 14:14

1 sugar and 1 salt in her tea
Eh?

Yeah, I'm Confused about this too.

OP, I'd say face to face was better, or anyway less awkward, than text.

Rachelle3211 · 30/01/2019 14:17

I would likely make a joke about myself as a hint. Like come into the room with her and mention the odour and then pretend you think it's coming from you. Apologize for the smell and then comment on your deodorant maybe not working or something but look confused when you sniff around yourself. Then next time she comes gift her toiletries as a thankyou and mention you bought some for yourself after last time she was here because you couldn't believe how bad you smelled.

Nampoo · 30/01/2019 14:18

I think it's a conversation that's better face to face.

I can't imagine how awkward you would both feel when you next saw each other after doing it via text

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/01/2019 14:19

What is the actual smell?

Mainly musty and unclean. A bit of stale sweat. She doesn't look awful...her clothes aren't visably dirty and her hair is brushed. She's fresh faced, no make-up and she generally looks presentable. It's just the smell. She doesn't cycle to me from work, she drives.

Gah! So many mixed messages on whether to text or not, on whether to talk to her or just let her go! I hate this!

OP posts:
newdocket · 30/01/2019 14:21

That is difficult. I would not text her though, I think in a way it is worse than face to face. At least F2F you can see her reaction and act accordingly. So, in your shoes I would a) talk to her or, if I couldn't face it then b) make an excuse.

Bigsighall · 30/01/2019 14:25

Do the whole ‘I’m telling you this because I really like you, you’re doing a fab job and I would want someone to tell me. The thing is....’

Bigsighall · 30/01/2019 14:26

And face to face would be my vote.

Claw001 · 30/01/2019 14:31

Face to face has my vote. Text can easily come across wrong and it doesn’t relay the intention behind as tone of voice etc does.

If I was smelling really bad on a daily basis, without realising, I would be grateful if someone tactfully told me.