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AIBU?

To be annoyed with DH

467 replies

AliceRR · 29/01/2019 09:11

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

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Holidayshopping · 02/02/2019 09:05

You need to sort this out of else you will be spending every penny of your reduced Maternity pay on nappies and formula whilst he pisses his own money up the wall on himself.

Do you plan to go back to work full or part time after the baby? Have you discussed childcare costs with him?

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LittleOwl153 · 02/02/2019 16:43

I can see why you are hitting walls here over joint finances.
If generally he earns less than you, but you then expect him to cover CMS and his debts out of that before jointly splitting mortgage, bills and car - Inevitably he will end up with considerably less money and as such cannot afford to spend as much on the new baby.

I think you do need a second car, given that he will not be able to get to work without it - and it leaves you stranded with the baby. I would not give up my car in the same circumstances.

You need to be realistic with your own figures and work something out you are both happy with. I do think though that the idea of both having some 'spends' which cannot be commented on by the other would be useful - but I think the baby stuff should come from a joint/jointly funded pot.

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 17:09

No I don’t expect him to pay CMS and debts before paying the bills. What I propose is paying bills first and then if what’s left we both get an allowance and I’m not sure whether his debt and CSM come out of his pot or the joint account. Maybe one or the other but not both. I’m not sure. Really we should be doing it in a way that the debt gets paid off ASAP as being the best for both of us.

But to put it into context we earn over £5K a month between us and the mortgage, bills and car come to around £1k a month now or maybe a bit more. On top of that there are his debts (he has a loan and credit card balance from time to time), CSM and any other bits that are our “own” costs like our own mobile phone bills and things like that. So there should be enough money even if we said we’d take £750 each for spending money and he paid CSM out of that and the rest was ours to spend / save.

Part of the difficulty is in the new house the bills will be higher. The mortgage is about £1100 a month but that should still be doable. Even when I’m on mat leave as one of our salaries should cover all the expenses.

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mummmy2017 · 02/02/2019 17:44

You need to phrase it so your DH thinks it is fair ....
Ok. All money in the pot...
Child support for his children, same into babies account....
All bills paid from account.... house only... Food , petrol , insurance ect.
What is left gets split according to wages split. He pays his loans credit card from his spends...

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 17:46

What is left gets split according to wages split

Would you not split equally? His argument all along has been I shouldn’t have more money than him so splitting what is left 50:50 or just having an equal amount each was due to that.

I’m getting my notebook and pen out now to do some sums so we can discuss! 🤓

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mummmy2017 · 02/02/2019 17:53

So say income £3k. You. £2k. Him..
Child support 300. baby 300..So 4,500 left.
Mortgage £1,100...So £3,400 left.
Food £500.... So £2,900 left.
Car insurance ect. £400.. £2,500.left
Other items. £700. .. £1800..
So you get £1080.. He gets £720..Spends

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 18:02

That works for me to be honest but I’m not sure he would agree. He wouldn’t want me to have more which is partly why saying we have the same but CSM (£400) came out of his part then it was a similar outcome. As otherwise if everything comes out of joint I’m contributing more to not only our expenses but also his debt and his CSM.

But then the split is not as big as £2K to £3k. It’s more like I get £2750 and he gets £2450 so not a big difference but he takes off his CSM so he thinks I have a lot more

Matching baby cost to CSM kind of works though as I’d like to put some money away for the baby every month (my parents did a lot for me financially and I’d like to be able to do the same if I can) plus there will be things we need to buy so that might work out

Sorry if I’m repeating myself 🤦‍♀️

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 18:10

Oh well now he doesn’t want a joint account anyway as apparently that just advantages me as I’m going on mat leave even though the period of 3-6 months when he’s earning more is outweighed by the rest of our lives when I earn more and also he will retire before I do 🙄 I’m like fine, I’m not bothered for a joint account, but don’t say you want one as soon as I go back to work!

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wigornian · 02/02/2019 18:19

I’m a DH - I don’t think you’re being U. He can walk a mile to the station, I do when I am travelling for work- similar distance. Ordinarily I walk or cycle 3.5 miles, or a total of 4.5 if I cycle with DS to school first.

Can he see it would just be a nice thing to do to take thT obligation from you! I despair!! With DC on the way, this is the least of the accommodations he will have to make!!

You need access to the car during the day, end of. It will be in a car park otherwise, the default should be he walks to the station. If it so happens you are up and feel like giving him a lift then it’s a bonus!!

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mummmy2017 · 02/02/2019 18:19

So just started say you take the child support out for both families. Before bills.
That you split the rest. 50/50.
And he pays his loans out of his money.

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wigornian · 02/02/2019 18:22

Ah, see Greg discussion has moved on!! Grin

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wigornian · 02/02/2019 18:23

No
Idea who Greg is!Blush

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 18:26

If it so happens you are up and feel like giving him a lift then it’s a bonus!!

Thanks. Yes exactly and most of the time when I’m home I do take him to the station. Plus I’m only proposing to have the car two out of five week days, and pick him up in the evening, so he can take the car the rest of the time.

No
Idea who Greg is!

🤔

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Mix56 · 02/02/2019 18:27

So what happens till you go back to work ?
I am just aghast at this Tosser, I mean where can it go from here ?

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Mix56 · 02/02/2019 18:29

Personally I would take this a sign of what your future holds for you.
I would move out

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 18:32

Well I don’t know but he needs to realise that I can’t always pick up the tab for things and actually the reason I don’t have enough to pay 50% of everything while I’m on reduced pay is because I have been the one paying for most of the food and things we need for our baby

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Pumpkintopf · 02/02/2019 19:45

Oh well now he doesn’t want a joint account anyway as apparently that just advantages me as I’m going on mat leave even though the period of 3-6 months when he’s earning more is outweighed by the rest of our lives when I earn more and also he will retire before I do 🙄 I’m like fine, I’m not bothered for a joint account, but don’t say you want one as soon as I go back to work!

Can't believe his attitude to be honest. You are missing out on income because you are having a baby you both presumably wanted? So you'll also be saving him a small fortune in childcare costs by staying home to care for your baby. No way should you have to bear the financial burden of that on your own. Perhaps you should charge him half what a 24/7 Nanny would cost?

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7yo7yo · 02/02/2019 20:25

Why the fuck are you with this abusive loser???

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OliviaBenson · 02/02/2019 20:31

So he still expects you to contribute 50/50 while on mat leave?

Op you need to open your eyes and accept he won't change. You are in an abusive relationship. You can't change him he doesn't want to.

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thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/02/2019 20:52

^^What OliviaBenson said. This guy doesn't have your back. If you started the OP not stating that it was your DP I would have assumed you were talking about a flatmate.

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Waterlemon · 02/02/2019 21:09

Do not buy the bigger house with this man!

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AliceRR · 02/02/2019 21:15

We’ve been talking and he says he accepts he will need to pay more when I’m on leave

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IgnoranceIsStrength · 02/02/2019 21:28

This is just a really sad read. My Dh and I earn half what you earn yet share everything. He sounds awful. I genuinely believe you are better off without him. It shouldn't be the case that you are constantly arguing and he just sounds like a controlling knob. I hope all goes ok with baby and that hopefully helps him to see you as a family unit.

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7yo7yo · 02/02/2019 21:35

@IgnoranceIsStrength
Agree. Its an incredibly sad read.
Op doesn’t even realise it’s abusive.

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/02/2019 21:43

OP, he sounds unbelievable selfish.

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