To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

The point of the walk or taxi is so you don't have to wake up. So he slams the door twice. This is the person he is. Selfish, childish, petulant, manipulative & sulks to boot.
Re finances this is all sorts of wrong. Its not a competition its a team. Of course he should pay cms out of his money. Its not your child (although you apparently fo pay for his food)
Unfortunately you are unlikely to be able to change this. Slowly you are seeing him clearly & it's unlikely to improve once you have a baby

OMG OP. This is just getting better. He’a not keen to pay for his own child?

On Sunday he was going to drive me to my baby shower (he said he would so I turned down lifts from other people) and then he couldn’t be bothered as he was comfy in bed. And that was at abour 12:30-1pm!! So I ended up driving myself...

That was so grossly unfair and nasty of him. Especially at that time of day!

I can power walk 2 miles in 20 minutes on my lunch break so I'm sure he could walk 1 MILE in the morning to the train to save you having to get up, when baby is here it's going to be such a huge inconvenience dragging you and baby out at that time of morning, especially in the early days where sleep is limited due to night feeds.

I can't imagine any decent husband would leave their heavily pregnant wife without a car all day, I don't think DH would even consider suggesting it to me (I'm 36 weeks gone and also suffering pelvic pain it's horrible)

I feel really sad for you that he's treating you so poorly and you're just about to give birth, a time when a person requires a lot of emotional support.

Yes the baby shower thing annoyed me as did him telling me he basically couldn’t be bothered to drive ten mins and back for a takeaway after work but thinks me getting up early to take him to the station so he doesn’t have to walk is no big deal to me.

He really thinks he’s right. I think he genuinely thinks I’m selfish for not letting him have everything his way.

The thing with the finances is an issue as I don’t think it’s fair. He seems to think he is doing more than he is or had it in his head somewhere that he’s given or his giving more.

I think part of it is he thinks I’ve had things easier than him because I had more financial support from my parents which means I’ve never really had to get myself into debt. But that’s why I ended up paying for our wedding. And why I paid for the car that we now share when he convinced me this was the best solution to his car having broken down.

I also think it’s partly cause he had worked hard and sometimes struggled to keep this house and maintain his relationship with his children and I have just come in and potentially take half of it but I have paid for that half. It might have been easier for me as I had a different background to him but that’s just how it is. Similarly I have it easier now to some degree as I don’t have children from a previous relationship but as I’ve said I play a part in his children’s lives too and the fact he had them impacts on me too.

I just don’t know how to get through to him. I would be surprised if he agreed to counselling. I have a close family friend who is a bit older (older than my mother) and she can be good. I have spoken to her when I’ve needed to talk to someone and even DH had talked to her but or course he doesn’t like it if she tells him he’s wrong and needs to treat me better! To be fair she did tell him she was impartial but she obviously isn’t although that could just be because she’s come to see that he can be a bit of a sh*t

Sorry OP but in my opinion, YABU. You're effectively saying he should get himself to work without the car that is half his, because you want a lie in.

Now you're on leave you have all day to do what you want, is getting up and driving him to the station in your PJs under a big coat really that much of an ask? You can go back to bed after if you wish to.

The whole "He's not thinking of me, he is not compromising" is not really valid and to do what your preferred option is no compromise from you.

I wouldn't have a problem dropping my husband to the station in the morning for a few weeks. You won't be able to do it once the baby is here and he is back to work, so he'll have to walk then. Why not just do him a favour now?

But he can't blame you for the experiences he's had in his life before you, or punish you because you had financial support from your family.
He is being incredibly selfish making you worry about finances when you are about to go on maternity leave. You're supposed to be a team.
He does sound very lazy, he'll have to snap out of that mindset when baby arrives as you'll need plenty of help when he's home from work.
Could you show him this thread (or at least parts of it) to try to get through to him exactly how he's making you feel?

People who have said she should get up at 7.30am to take a fit youngish man to the train station 1 mile from home that would take him at a reasonable pace all of 10 MINS !!!!! OMG OMG

Why the hell should she be woken up at 38 weeks pregnant, well even NOT pregnant
No no no, he’s a bloody grown man. Not a kid

Sorry to say this but yuo sound quite bitter towards your DH, doesn't really sound like the healthiest environment to be bringing a new baby into.

Don't you think of your marriage as a partnership? Why are you so begrudging towards him, and it sounds he has a similar attitude towards you.

My thoughts on bickering about money in a marriage is like sitting in a hot tub with you partner and saying "you've got my water than me!"

If you're married, everything should be a joint expense. It's not like one of you will be dining on lobster and the other living on baked beans.

Never understood couples that individually tot up their costs and hold it against the other.

Josico the not putting petrol in the car, resenting when he does, not buying food, using all the food in the house, takeaway as too lazy to shop.

I remember your posts from a while back but I don't think you were pregnant then. You've had these issues for a long long time and this man will never compromise or believe he is in the wrong. Throw the baby and a new house into the mix with a longer commute to the station then it's just going to go downhill even more.

is getting up and driving him to the station in your PJs under a big coat really that much of an ask?

Well yes it is when I have pelvic pain and it hurts to get in and out of the car (hence I’m only proposing on keeping the car / going out when I need to)

And also when he ain’t prepared to do similar for me with the examples I’ve mentioned above where it was too much hassle for him to drive somewhere when I asked him. He didn’t want to get out of bed for me at 12:30 pm on a Sunday even though he’d agreed to take me to my baby shower.

I think we should be a team and do these things for each other but the problem at the moment is we seem to be going back to a situation where I’m doing what I can for him but he isn’t prepared to things for me. There’s always a reason why it’s different for him.

I probably do sound bitter towards him as I’m really upset with him at the moment. As I’ve mentioned I haven’t felt this way for a while but discussions we’ve had this week have left me feeling annoyed and as if he’s taking advantage. We had been behaving more like a team but sometimes it seems like that works until he hasn’t got his way which is not being a team.

I’m not going take a view of the whole relationship based on how I feel this week as I’m sure tiredness and hormones are a part of it but we definitely have things to discuss.

Could you show him this thread (or at least parts of it) to try to get through to him exactly how he's making you feel?

I don’t think that would help. It would just make him more defensive. What I find difficult is when we get to these sort of places it’s hard to reach a resolution as he is so convinced he is right and if he has to compromise he sees it as me getting my way. He has no way of seeing that what I want is as important as what he wants and sometimes we have to compromise and we don’t get it all our own way. When that happens he gets upset but doesn’t see that I could just as easily be upset that I haven’t got my own way either. Much of the time I’m just grateful we’ve managed to reach a compromise!!

There aren't enough hormones in the human body to be skewing your negative view of him,his behavior and your relationship-he's a selfish,self centered asshole and you really,really need to run away as fast and far as you can to get away from him for your and your baby's mental health and happiness

That sounds quite childish of him, it isn't about winning and losing. It seems like you're banging your head against a brick wall with him if he's never prepared to listen to your POV on anything.
Do you think he'd agree to couples therapy? (Although I'm not sure what's available for free- so possibly not as that may put further strain on finances...) It's a difficult one. I'm not sure how a marriage will survive with you both being so resentful of one another as it eats away at you over time... wish you luck OP please remember stress is no good for you and the baby.

Yes i feel ok today thanks. I don’t want to be stressed and have been fine all day not talking to him.

As you say the issue with counselling is the cost. I think it was about £60 per session before and I just don’t think it’s a good idea to force that now but he does need to talk to me. We can resolve our issues if we could communicate and we’re actually listening to one another. If only I can make him understand compromise. I think he will ultimately talk to me as he has been making more effort recently. I suspect he is stressed as he always gets stressed when anything “big” is going on eg when he met my parents, before the wedding etc, and now we have the baby on the way, we’re buying a house and he is very stressed with work. I’m not saying that to make excuses but I know he’s stressed and I know he doesn’t handle it well.

@josico58 RTFT

Maybe it would be helpful for him to have a visual representation of the issues. ie your car. You could put your wishes on one side and his wishes at the other end draw a line connecting them put the weekdays above and show you only having 2 days and him 3 days and ask him if he still thinks you are getting your own way (when your way is obviously having it all 5 weekdays). I know it sounds childish, but if he can't see or is being willfully ignorant it might help.

Good grief. He can't cope with a 15-20 minute walk twice a day?

Maybe you should present him with an application form for PIP, as he's obviously suffering from a severe disability affecting his mobility.

Twat.

I can’t see a way out of this. He sounds impossible to reason with!

OP.....you do realise that he views - and treats - you like his personal cash cow?

He called me this evening and I was a bit grumpy apparently so he was asking what’s wrong. I said we need to talk about the finances as I am a bit stressed about money. He made a point about being home in a while as he has to get the train and then walk but I didn’t offer to get him and he wasn’t funny about it. He said we just need to pull together as a team which is true but what that means to him and what that means to me are not always the same so hopefully we can discuss properly over the next few days

I hope you get it sorted. Or at least get through to him. You could start by asking him for half of the cost of the pram. And if not, why not? He's not a secret gambler, is he?

If only I can make him understand compromise.

If he's that dim no wonder he earns less than you do in thesame profession.

He sounds like a selfish dickhead to me.

A mile! What's wrong with him? Plenty of kids have a longer walk to school!