To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

Yes he sounds like a dick when I write it all down!

That's because he is a dick.

Seriously though, he knows fine well what compromising means - hence why he keeps digging his heels in as he'd prefer it if you did all the compromising and he carrys on like a spoilt Little Lord Fauntleroy.

He doesn't need to compromise because he knows he'll wear you down eventually.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

I think the advantage to a joint account would be that there are no arguments about diesel and food etc and also there is no issue with buying things for the house or our child but I think there are advantages to each having one’s own money too.

Having said that, that wasn’t really the question (although I realise we digressed!), and DH and I plan to discuss at the weekend so that we have a solution we we both happy with.

What about taking money out of the joint pot for your child, the same as Child support, then you use this for everything the baby needs, nappies ect....
This way you can say your both paying for all the children. And there will be no arguements about one person having all the costs...

You are bu. Just get up give him a lift. Your about to have a baby it will be good practise for you getting up when you don’t want to.

His CM for his eldest dc should be coming out of his personal spends, as that is his cost alone.

I'd also want to see an improvement over the next X number of months before i reconsidered buying a house with him.

If he's now saying that he will need to buy a second car - does that mean the new house purchase is on hold?
Wasn't he saying to you it was one or the other?

I know some people don't like this arrangement but for us it works, since DH and I have lived together all of our income just goes in to one joint bank account and EVERYTHING gets paid out of this one account. Then whatever is left is ours to spend on what we want, in our case at the moment not a lot lol , because we're renovating our home and expecting a baby! If there's a 'big purchase' to be made then we discuss it but anything else we do as we please ie. if I saw a top in new look or something I'd just buy it etc. We have found it's the fairest way of doing things without there being any resentment etc and I can honestly say we have rows over other stuff but money is something we have never ever argued over. May be something to consider?

I think all child costs come out of joint monies so his CM and all costs of your baby.

Joint account for shared costs and bills, separate accounts for your own stuff. You each transfer an agreed amount, proportional to your earnings, from personal to joint account every month. I would say his child support comes from joint account but then so do the costs of your car, now it's a shared car, and also your baby's costs. Plus he'll have to accept that you will be dropping your payments down while on mat leave.

If he's now saying that he will need to buy a second car - does that mean the new house purchase is on hold?
Wasn't he saying to you it was one or the other?

Well he was saying it was one or the other but that was his way of getting his own way! We will discuss the cost of getting two cars as I think he realises he can’t simply have our car all the time and he isn’t going to be able to get to work

I would say his child support comes from joint account but then so do the costs of your car, now it's a shared car, and also your baby's costs.

See if I’m being honest if we had our own spends I’m not sure about CSM coming out of shared money. I’ve always thought it shouldn’t but I’m not completely averse to the idea so could change my mind. He has debts to pay too and so I thought maybe they could come from joint and CSM from his account but it’s difficult.

I will be dropping payments while on mat leave but realistically only for about three months. The rest of the time I earn more and I feel then more of my money is going towards his children and his debts than his money if that makes sense. I suppose I think if I have an extra few hundred pounds because his CSM comes out of his money then I can spend that on my children. I feel he would try to limit my spending if we had a joint account (he already does eg saying j should pay for the pram as I chose one for £150 more than we could have paid) and that doesn’t seem fair if I’m paying for his debts and his CSM.

Again I’m not completely against any of the above as I agree we should be a team but I’m concerned because I know he judges my spending IYSWIM 🤷🏻‍♀️

I still think paying our salaries into a joint account (bearing in mind one of us might earn more or less and therefore be putting in more or less at any given time) and then having our own spending money is fairest as it means I don’t have to worry what he is buying or about what he thinks of what I’m buying in terms of non-essentials eg lunches or meals out, clothes or whatever for me, cigarettes or whatever for him

And I always thought it must be difficult to buy a gift for the other person if you have a fully joint account. How does that work?? One, you’d be buying the gift from joint money, and, two, they’d perhaps be able to see what you’d bought from your joint bank statements or online banking

I think maybe his debts should come out of his spending money but CM out of the joint money. Re controlling what you buy, you could have an arrangement like I have with my 15 year old where if you need something for baby is pushchair and he thinks a £150 is fine but you want a better one then you too up from your fun money. Re fully joint accounts and presents, you can buy them in cash, you can suggest they don't look at the online statement for a few weeks or you can ask a friend to buy it and pay them. There are plenty ways.

It all sounds gaslighty as fuck...
Here everything is shared. We are not married but we do have 4 kids. He works 38 miles away and is often at work till 2am. No way am I picking him up even if we didn't have kids at home to think of. He has a motorbike. I have a car. So much cheaper than running two cars.

Im confused by the idea that a generally fit person wouldn't walk 1mile to the station and instead take a car there and pay for parking. Mindblowing. I live about 1mile from the station and when i used to take the train to work i always walked. When i changed jobs and had to use the car everyday i seriously missed the walking. Now that i work from home 2 days a week i can walk the kids to nursery/school which is great.

We share the bills, and manage our own accounts....but if one is short we cover each other.

He sounds quite mean, OP.

I also, on principle, would not cover child maintenance. I’m happy to share costs of birthday and Christmas presents but never maintenance. A bit like a grandparent. I’ll buy treats because I love them but feeding and clothing? Not my job.

@AliceRR in regards to getting gifts for one another, I have a 0% interest on purchases credit card in my name only, so I buy the item on the credit card then transfer the money over from our joint account afterwards , or when credit card bill is due, when I get paid. DH does the same or pays with cash as he sometimes gets cash jobs in his line of work. Unless you are literally spending well above your means every month on non essentials and 'taking the piss' then I don't see how he can scrutinise your spending habits... in regards to him moaning about the cost of a pram, that's something that you pay for jointly so should be discussed but if you have the money & can afford the pram that you like then it's a bit off him refusing to purchase it...

Sounds like he's a selfish, selfish arse. "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine" comes to mind. Astonishingly shocking show of true colours.

A bit like a grandparent. I’ll buy treats because I love them but feeding and clothing? Not my job.

That’s interesting. I agree but have likened stepchildren to nieces and nephews. I’ll buy them treats and gifts and I’ll feed them etc when they’re with us but paying CSM for their upkeep in another household is slightly different.

in regards to getting gifts for one another, I have a 0% interest on purchases credit card in my name only, so I buy the item on the credit card then transfer the money over from our joint account afterwards

That’s a good way of doing it. Paying in cash isn’t always an option if you’re buying online so that could work

moaning about the cost of a pram, that's something that you pay for jointly

Well yes and it’s almost and excuse. He made out it’s so much more expensive than another one we were going to buy which was a factory second but actually when you factor in a couple of other bits that we were going to buy anyway and game with this slightly more expensive version it ended up being only about £150 more. But when I went to pay the balance yesterday i saw it had been reduced in the Jan sale so I paid £80 less so the difference was not a lot (they are at a Silver across outlet shop near our house). And actually at the time he was all for buying this other pram as it was nicer and a sort of limited edition that we thought maybe not as many people would have.

Ultimately I agree with him I’d pay for the pram (about £900) and he bought the car seat (about £400) cause I “have more money” but then I’ve also bought things like clothes, nappies, the bedside crib, a breast pump so have spent a lot more and this obviously makes it more difficult for me to put aside money for when I’m not earning as much.

This will all have to be part of our discussion though

Joint account into which you both put a percentage based on what you each earn. All household, food, car, baby expenses come out of it. Given what an arse he’s been about paying his fair share properly, I reckon that’s the only way it will work.

I honestly don’t understand what you see in him. He’s passsive aggressive, selfish, childish and a whiner. He thinks only of himself and believes that you’re treating him unfairly. God help you once you’re on maternity leave with the baby and he wants your attention or for you to do something.

Are his two ds from different mothers?

We could put a % of what we earn in but it’s potentially more fair and means neither of us had more spending money than the other if we just put it all in and take an equal amount out each?

I suppose it’s a similar outcome 🤔

No his sons both have the same mother. They are are 14 and 15.

Hmm I would find it exhausting having to decide who pays for what especially over things that are for your baby together... it would just be a lot easier if things like that were purchased out of joint funds... I don't know, I have found in previous relationships separate finances caused resentment so I do prefer just to have everything come out of one pot... perhaps you could meet somewhere in the middle of this and both be happy? It may be old fashioned but I agree with a pp once your married surely it is what's yours is mine and mine is yours? You share and work as a team...

You are bu. Just get up give him a lift. Your about to have a baby it will be good practise for you getting up when you don’t want to.

Or, she makes the most of resting while she can.

I think CM should come out of his money. They're his kids.

Your contribution is caring for them when they're with you.

I have read all your posts OP.

Please do not get a joint account with him.

It sounds like he has a strange/bad relationship with money and/or is showing serious signs of being financially abusive.

He is gaslighting the hell out of you now, it will be so much worse if he has access to all your joint funds.

You say he is very keen on a joint account, almost pissed off that you have hitherto resisted getting one. Have you seriously asked yourself why?

It will be the car all over again, shared but all his to with as he pleases really. You'll go to pay the bills/mortgage/food and the money will plain old not be there because his lordship had important need of the cash. You will end up getting the third degree for every penny you spend, heck, he's on his way to that already.

At some point sooner or later, I'm very sorry to say and hope I'm wrong for your sake, you are going to want to get away from him. If you let him control your finances, that may make it very difficult or impossible to escape. I am afraid that a man of his age, in his profession, will be aware of this. That makes me very suspicious of his desire for a joint account.

Please, at least think very carefully about it and don't make promises while you are vulnerable because he will hold you to them or throw them in your face if you go back on your word.

Betty is right IMO.
He doesn't want to share what he has, but he would love to get hold of your money, he is bitching & whining about what you spend, even though in reality you pay more already
he has his debts, his CM & his squash club, he smokes. he effectively spends his money on himself, (or his obligations) & you spend your money on both of you...
I don't know how you organise this, I would say, calculate costs for a joint account for mortgage, bills, car, petrol, elec/other house bills, costs for your mutual child. (including back pay) all the rest remains your own on each side, he then has to pay his own debts/CM, squash, fags
He really is snot a nice person at all.

Sit and let him tell you how he is thinking of sorting money....

Maybe you should have an account for baby, and you both transfer half the amount the boys have into the account, tell him this will be used for big baby items as it is unfair your joint child has less than any other child.

Then you tot up all the bills including his debts, as your married, a judge would say all money is joint money ..
After all bills are paid, all money left gets divided according to how much pay you got that month.
This money is spends for each of you... The other has no right to say how it is spent...
If the bills are more one month, you adjust at the end of the next month...