To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

What about a spread sheet ? no arguing with a graph !!!!
Show him what you have paid for & what he has paid for. He can't keep playing the, but I struggled before I met you card. He is responsible for his former marriage failure & kids whereof. you were probably in junior school when he got married.
The car 100% yours, his old car 100% yours, the petrol 90% yours, the food 90% yours wedding 100% yours, baby items 100% yours, Bills ? Mortgage ?
He went for a young maleable woman with no "baggage" for the second round. & after all, You accept his past, you could have married someone your own age with no children, that would have been simpler for you

I used to keep a record (not a spreadsheet but a full written list) of what id spend when I felt like I was spending too much and then at the end of the month I got him to pay me the difference. It started off as that’s how we dealt with the cost of works to the house (since I moved in 2.5 years ago we’ve replaced the windows and doors, kitchen, bathroom, all flooring and carpets, put in a lot burning stove, painted etc) as we would each pay for things here and there and then work out if either had gone over. The issue with that is that it was so stressful. He obviously made out I was being unreasonable and taking from him when it was all there in black and white so I’d rather avoid it

He wasn’t married before but yest life would have been simpler and, I hate to put it crudely, but in terms of finances his children obviously cost money. He had his house, yes, but I believe I have paid for my share in that and the fact is his children cost us money too. I don’t begrudge anything for them but he can’t just think he had this massive asset and I had nothing as he also had two children when we met and I didn’t. That’s why I have “more money” than him...

He seemed quite reasonable when we spoke last night. He wasn’t getting angry about having had to walk (I let him walk him last night too) and I said he could take the car today as I don’t plan to go out plus it’s snowing and he will need to put diesel in the car! I didn’t really want to discuss it in detail last night as I was tired so hopefully we will discuss at the weekend but until something is sorted then I think I will keep a list and spreadsheet of what I’ve spent as I don’t think he realises or it suits him not to realise...

I feel a bit better as he does seem to want to resolve things.

Just don't see the problem, although I enjoy doing my partner a favour and making him happy. Giving him a lift to the station when I have nothing planned anyway is a nice thing to do, and then you have the car for the rest of day. It's just doing something nice and I wouldnt think twice about it.

Also, if you don't want different opinions then don't ask if your being unreasonable on mumsnet 🙄

FWIW.
My husband commutes to work each day. He walks to the station there and back (30 mins each way), leaving the house at 5.45.
I used to take him until I got to 20 weeks pregnant, and ever since then he's walked!

This is a no brained. You do not need 2 cars with a station within a mile. I would suggest for now that he walks, cycles or gets a taxi and once you are on mat leave you could walk with baby to car on days you need it. He could even park it halfway so both of you only have to walk half mile. We live in a village, have 3 teenagers, both work and have always managed with the one car. There are days when it is a pain in the proverbial but saves a lot of money . I used to catch a bus with 3 preschoolers to collect the car when needed. DH then decided he could cycle and has done so ever since. One mile would take less than 5 minutes by bike, have you suggested that?

Totally agree with Chickenwing It really doesn't seem like a big ask to me.

Well at 38 weeks pregnant I would disagree with you. She needs to be resting now not ferrying a lazy, fit bloke about.

Also, if you don't want different opinions then don't ask if your being unreasonable on mumsnet

I haven’t said I don’t want different opinions 🤔 I am grateful for everyone’s input

Chickenwing and Josico58, have you read the whole thread?

Neverunderfed Yes, OP posted if she was being unreasonable about the car situation, which to me she is, hence my response.

All the other stuff, especially the money issues, I am not commenting on any further because I just find it really bizarre. I don't get the whole "I spent more than you on XYZ". To me that's not how a marriage works.

But it is all relevant. Would be do the same for her?

But it is all relevant. Would be do the same for her?

Nope.

But it is all relevant. Would be do the same for her?

Exactly of course it’s relevant to me that only last weekend he refused to drive for because it was a minor inconvenience... I agree we should be a team but if doesn’t seem it works both ways sometimes which is what annoys me. Also I think it’s relevant that basically forced me to share my car with him but then was basically imposing conditions on me using it - by his solution I could only use the car if I get up at 7:30 to take him to the station and then pick him up or if I get a taxi to the train station to get the car (I’d have difficulty walking). It just seems unfair that he decides not to buy a car but then he is not inconvenienced at all and I am...

I just think if he wants to share a car then he’s got to realise he can’t always have the car when he wants it just as I can’t

Is buy him a bike he can leave at the station and pick up at the end of the day.

Or he, being a grown man, can buy his own bloody bike!

Yanbu. Nip this in the bud or you'll be doing this with a newborn baby, school kids ad infinitum. Take care of yourself. It is not ideal for you to do it so don't. It is clear he wouldn't if the situation were reversed from the examples you've given.

Stop overthinking whether you are right and just think I'm not doing it without being guilt tripped. Let him sulk get a taxi or buy a new car. He will get over it and learn not to push the boundaries if you set them

I am another one who cannot understand couples arguing over money but from what I have read of couples who have their own finances, it is generally considered very unfair on MN when one half of a couple is left with far more disposable income than the other. To say it's not your fault he has to pay maintenance is hardly working as a team is it? Personally I can see how he would feel bitter about that. I think as you head into mat leave that you should both put all you get into a joint pot, minus monthly expenses including child maintenance, agree an equal amount for individual wants and save any leftover. Then there is never an argument over who pays for diesel and food and you do not run out of money on mat leave. You married a man who had children so maintenance was always known

I would never want to walk to the station even if it was just a mile. In this regard I'm a hypocrite. DH used to walk a mile to the station and I insisted we didn't need 2 cars. Eventually we got a cheap runaround.
I would never want a marriage where the finances weren't joint at this stage. All this bickering about who owes what is exhausting.
He's worried about money and it's a mindset rather than a reality. He sounds like a skinflint. My DH calls it 'penny wise pound foolish'

Or he, being a grown man, can buy his own bloody bike!

😂

Nip this in the bud or you'll be doing this with a newborn baby

He mentioned last night we may have to get two cars(!) as I am not going to be able to easily take him to the station with a baby and where we plan to move to the station is further away so it’s less easy to walk there.

You married a man who had children so maintenance was always known

Yes I did know he paid maintenance but we hadn’t discussed that I would share it. I had to pay for my share in his house after all!

I am also conscious that my child will have two parents providing for it, not three, and I am conscious of my child missing out because currently I am the one buying everything because DH supposedly doesn’t have the money. If I have to keep some or all of my money separate to ensure my child is provided for then that is what I would do. I’m not saying that’s the way it has to be as DH and I plan to discuss it but the “you knew...” argument is a weak one IMO

I agree with vdbfamily post, that was what I was trying to say about the money arguments.

Maybe I missed this if previously mentioned but won’t he be supporting you when you’re on mat leave? Surely he’ll be the one with the bigger income then?

I’ve been saving so that I can pay my half of the mortgage and bills. But because I have been picking up the food costs and paying for nearly everything we need for our child I haven’t saved as much as I would like.

So we’ve agreed we will sit down at the weekend and talk through the finances at the weekend so we both hopefully have some reassurance. We need to work out what we expect living costs to be in the new house, how much we will have for doing work to the house (it needs a lot of work) as against what we will both have coming in.

Even if it worked out he were supporting me, which I’m not sure he will be yet, it would be for something like three months as against a lifetime together.

We have had past issues over money as I’ve outlined above which is where some of the current stress and hostility comes from. It I’m hoping we can work this out now.

I think I would prefer to have a solution where we each have a sort of “allowance” eg £750 per month and the rest of our salary go into a joint account (so we’d have the same regardless of what each other is earning) as I think it’s cleaner and easier and gives each of us a bit of independence.

But if you share all of the expenses, that will include all that you buy for your baby, and his child maintenance. If you want to buy bits for the baby that are not really needed then that should come out of your fun money. Your child will only have 2 parents providing for it but currently those 2 parents are together and if your child grows up with you both together and involved and available, maybe that is worth more

@vbdfamily I’m not sure what your advocating - a fully joint account or an account where we each have an allowance or “fun money”? If the latter does his CSM come out of the joint account? But things I buy for my child don’t?