To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

YANBU!!!!!!
He is. You are heavily pregnant. Why should you disturb your rest to ferry him around like a child. You will be going through birth and then caring for a newborn soon. What will he do when the newborn is here? Expect you to get up with a baby that hasn’t slept all night and drive him to the station? Ridiculous. He seriously needs to grow up. He can walk or get a taxi. Simple solution. It shouldn’t even be a debate.

Are you perhaps feeling like he's not looking out for you enough given that you're so heavily pregnant? I expected to be treated with kid gloves when I was that far gone. i think DH should get a cab and you should have the car.

He uses your car that you paid for & insure (including covering his malus) including collecting HIS DC & going to HIS sport. well do you know what ? He can Fuck the fuck off.
You have/had a higher salary, & so far you are happy to over spend on him & his demands
This is seriously pssing me off & I don't live with this tosser.
Please stop making excuses & drip feeding, He is abusing you & your wallet. Wake up to reality.

Sorry but I wouldn't be giving any lifts after the baby shower incident.

Did he walk home ? I doubt it, I suppose you went to collect him & that is when you saw tank empty.
HE KNOWS YOU HAVE PAIN, HE KNOW IT HURTS TO GET IN & OUT OF THE CAR, HE KNOWS YOU PAY MORE THAN HIM, HE KNOWS THAT YOU NEED THE CAR TO GET TO APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.
*If he hasn't sone this DELIBERATELY, as a punishment for you standing up to him re having use of your own car 2 days a week, I will eat my hat

So He knows you will be in pain getting in & out of the car & putting in petrol he will use. QED

Okay I'm confused now. You refer to his kids/children. How many does he have? On your other thread, you refer to his 14 yr old son.

Only put a few quid in the car for petrol, enough for the light to go off...
He will have to fill it to fetch his son

YABVU about taking him to the station. You have all day to sleep. But you have more important things to sort out - you have concentrated your issue around the lifts but that is not the real problem

I am guessing Maddy70 has not rtft!!

My baby slept better in the mornings. Now she's 2 she sleeps till 8-8.30. you don't have to get up with a baby

Re the food shopping, I would do something like this. Work out a weekly budget for food, and work out what you each have to put into that proportional to your earnings. So if he earns 20% less than you, he puts in 20% less. But you each contribute your amount every week and the food gets paid for from that. That's fair, and stops the doing alternating shops system where you will end up buying a lot more of the food and he just buys bits.

I thought you were being unreasonable until I saw that the station is a mile away. Why the hell wouldn't he walk? Surely with traffic and parking added in it would take the same amount of time? That's bizarre to me. It wouldn't even enter my head to take the car on such a short journey, regardless of whether or not my partner needed the car. Does he have back problems or something?

Didn't you say he now earns more than you ? He may eat more than you, what should you do, have a weekly weigh in... when you go back to work Share 50/50 food, he is benefitting from your car, he should pay all the petrol IMHO
What was the point in marrying him ? apart from appeasing your parents

He used to earn slightly more until September last year. Now I earn more.

He had two sons. I didn’t mention the older son in the other post as he doesn’t stay over any more as I know people get fixated on things like that and it wasn’t relevant to my question.

Also following that post I don’t know when we’ll next have my youngest stepson as DH agreed with his ex that we won’t have YSS weekend after next to avoid any issues with him being left alone / having to be dropped off etc if I go into labour. I didn’t ask that, j just said DH should make arrangements in case he needs to be picked up or he needs something. Of course baby could arrive before then.

I was not appeasing my parents by marrying him! They weren’t happy about it, particularly my dad, but they didn’t know him well so it was more about circumstances eg he has children than about him (before you say it’s cause they knew he was no good!)

I honestly have been much happier the past few months but right now I’m very upset with him.

I won’t be proceeding with the house purchase until we’ve had a very clear discussion about finances as right now he is often telling me he hasn’t got any money. When it comes to food or petrol or things for the baby he hasn’t got any money. By the new mortgage is higher than this one. Living costs probably will be too. I’ll be on maternity leave. I want to know exactly how he intends to do things.

I have previously refused to have a joint account and he is annoyed by this and I think he does like to make a point sometimes eg by saying “well it wouldn’t be an issue if we shared”. He doesn’t like it I have money to spend on myself as I have “more money” than him. I say I have more money as I haven’t had children already. When my stepsons are with us and when it comes to Christmas and everything we share costs of things and I’m often treating them but I do see CSM as his obligation.

I’ve previously proposed a half way point which is what some of my married friends do - all our money goes into the joint account and mortgage and bills and joint expenses all come out of that (including food and petrol IMO) and then out of that we each have a sort of allowance that we can do what we want with. It might be £500 or it might be £1000 or something in between. But he was against this when I suggested his CSM payments should come out of that. I said the payment could be as high as he wanted to account for that so there would be no issue of him not having enough cash. I also prefer having my own bit of money so I can spend what I want without him commenting. Plus as we’d each be paying in everything and taking out the same amount I’d be paying more towards household expenses while I’m earning more. It also means I have a bit of money to spend as I want / save as he already passes comment on money I spend as he thinks it’s not fair if I have money to spend on lunches or dinner with friends or the off item of clothing for myself if he doesn’t but I don’t spend as much money on myself anyway now as I was saving for our wedding and for the last couple of years have been spending money in the house with him and since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been thinking about the baby and mat leave.

I don’t think he deliberately drove the car around to empty the petrol tank but he had used the car most this weekend. His son lives about 16 miles away which is 45 mins each way and he has done that twice last being Sunday night and then he had the car Monday and Tuesday for work and then yesterday I got in the car (to go to the shops) and that’s when the petrol light came on but he must have known it was nearly empty. I have managed to go to my midwife appointment today still without filling it up but it’s annoying as I’d usually put diesel in as soon as the light comes on...

50:50 on food is fine with me. It annoys me at the moment as when I go shopping I ensure we have everything not just for a few meals but for treats and also cupboard or frozen items so there are a couple of meals “in the bank” like frozen fish or soups or even baked beans but he’ll use all that and never replace it! eg this weekend he fed his son macdonalds on Friday night when he picked him up, something from the freezer in Saturday and then Dominos in Sunday. This was because he couldn’t be bothered to go to the supermarket before I left for my shower at 1pm and I refused to do it. But he’d been shopping on Saturday as he bought food to make breakfast for our builder before we took him to our house. When I said he could get a taxi if he really wanted to walk he said we should be saving money! Basically it’s ok for him to pay money cause he’s being lazy by not buying food and cooking but I should be getting up to take him to the station so he doesn’t have to spend £3 on a taxi.

Anyway I’m annoyed still, clearly. He was a bit of a twat last night. He made a point of slamming the door when he left this morning just to ensure I was awake... Well I heard him leave and then come back for something and then the second time he slammed the front door. If he can pay for macdonalds and Dominos our of laziness he can pay for taxis too and not expect me to...

Yes I picked him up last night as I got back from the shops at the same time as his train was getting in but I won’t be doing it today as he wasn’t very nice yesterday. Of course I am wrong because I am selfish and always want things my way. He doesn’t see that he is describing himself.

If it's your car and you have seperate finances just put your foot down and tell him he needs to get a new car. It's not ideal for you not to have a car when you have a baby, tell him to stop being a knob and sort himself out.

Why are you doing this to yourself....and your child... why have you got as far as exchanging contracts on a house when you havent sat and agreed finances and impact of mat leave etc and cars?

Please please dont buy the house with him as things are he sounds horrific - I understand you are due very shortly but this is no life... as you are going off on mat leave could you stay with your parents for a bit? all this stress and door slamming shit is not good for you and the baby now........it wont be any better for you both when the baby is born
this is the time you should be cherishing and building up your reserves and strength - he should be falling over himself to make your life easier at this stage not harder....

I cannot think of a feature redeeming enough to make a heaviliy pregnant woman deal with this crap.....

He had two sons. I didn’t mention the older son in the other post as he doesn’t stay over any more as I know people get fixated on things like that and it wasn’t relevant to my question.

Yes, sorry, guilty as charged

I’ve previously proposed a half way point which is what some of my married friends do - all our money goes into the joint account and mortgage and bills and joint expenses all come out of that (including food and petrol IMO) and then out of that we each have a sort of allowance that we can do what we want with.

We have similar but we both put an agreed set amount into the joint account every month for all household expenses (of course including food and petrol!) and retain the rest in our sole accounts to do with what we like, so no one gets to scrutinise the other's personal spending. Any excess in the joint account at the end of the month gets shifted to the joint savings account for holidays etc. Obviously that won't work so well while you're on Mat Leave and he'll have to step up financially but once you go back...

By the way, I used to walk a mile to the station and back (and it was up a long steep hill coming back) and I'm probably the laziest person I know!

How’s about you do an online shop as 2 weeks at a time on pay day?
Do you both get paid the same date?
You can get it all then
As when baby comes, your not going to want or maybe have time
Depending if baby is a good or bad sleeper, it just won’t settle unless being held/walked about
Things like
Cans
Juices
Frozen meals or ready made chilled
Potatoes
Chips
Crisps
Chocolate
Bread/rolls. All can be froze
Milk
Toilet rolls
You get the jist

He definitely as issue with money 💰
No you should not include his cms

Everything must be 50-50 regardless of who earns what
If you have more, so what it’s yours to do as you please
After 50/50 he as none, so be it, it’s not your fault he pays child support
Or treat himself to take aways that
His extra money!

Unfortunately with a guy like him you have to be 10 steps ahead
Do not tell him what you have spare or what’s in your savings. None of his business. You work for it

As to regards when the baby arrives
That will open a can of worms
It will be
I haven’t got any money, you will have to get it. Most things will be put on you when it’s supposed to to joint parenting
You do know that

We’ve exchanged contracts on our sale but not out purchase

We haven’t discussed the finances in more detail as we know we can can afford it however after the last few days have brought up old issues I’m now concerned his plan for us to afford it is that I will be paying more for everything. I don’t think thats fair and I simply can’t do that when I’m on mat leave. I have tried to our money away so that I have enough money for anything I might need it for including continuing to pick up my share of the bills so that we are not struggling and also buying things for the child but it seems I am still picking up the cost of things and so I can’t save as much I would.

I just got paid on 24th and already I’ve paid my half of the household expenses and bills, I’ve spent £60 on food, £795 for our pram today, about £200 on other stuff for the baby and me (admittedly some might be non essential and just me being excited to buy cute things for the baby but it’s also things like nappies and things I need for the hospital bag). I feel like he needs to pick up the bill for food and petrol for the rest of the month.

I also think it’s shitty leaving me with an empty diesel tank when I could go into labour at any time

Ultimately he sees it as a real hardship to walk to the station. He’s lazy and disorganised so probably doesn’t leave enough time but if he did it’s not too bad. It’s his birthday on Monday so I may buy him a hat and scarf and some gloves!!

I spent an hour cleaning the floors and stuff yesterday and that was probably harder for me than walking to the station was for him. And then he’ll walk in with his wet shoes!!

we both put an agreed set amount into the joint account every month for all household expenses (of course including food and petrol!)

This is similar to what we do except the diesel (sorry I keep saying “petrol”) and food obviously but that adds up too. I’d be ok with that.

How’s about you do an online shop as 2 weeks at a time on pay day?

I have proposed all sorts.

He gets paid on 15th and I get paid on 24th do previously I suggested he pay for the food shopping from 16-end of the month and I pay from 1st-15th. He wasn’t up for that.

I suggested week on / week off. He said no:

If you ask him he’ll say he pays more for food and petrol but if that were true he wouldn’t object to a truly even split.

When pushed he says he can’t do these ways because he has less money than me so it’s true he gets away with paying less but won’t admit it. I even said if we did it that way, eg each pay for about two weeks of shopping, he could spend as much as he wanted so he could do his shop in Aldi if it were going to save money. He wouldn’t do it.

I suggested paying into the joint account or opening a new account just for food and diesel that we both pay into. I suggested physically putting money (an equal amount each) into a money box and then taking money from there and that didn’t work as he messed it up somehow.

Ultimately if I push him on it he often gives me the money I feel he owes me but he does it in such a way that I’m so unreasonable for asking when actually I’m now a bit stressed about not having as much money when I’m on mat leave.

I’m also worried I won’t be able to take a full year off hence we need to talk properly about it all. There’s no point focussing on the things I think are unfair as he doesn’t listen. I’ll just be approaching it from the angle of being concerned about how things are going to work when we’re on mat leave. I’ll be interested what he comes up with given he so often can’t afford his share of things now!

Should be fun, when you point out he pays for his children and now you have a child it is only fair you go halves on expenses..

Well he did comment the other day, when I said I might need him to pay more when I’m on mat leave as I haven’t managed to save as much as I’d hoped (because I’m paying for more!), he said something sarcastic like “well since you’ve always helped me pay for my children...”

I didn’t say anything but I was annoyed. It’s not the same. 1. His children have two parents already and any obligation I have to them is not the same as his obligations to any of his own children 2. I do support his children to a degree as I pay for half of the mortgage and bills and more than half for food and transport (which he needs to pick up his kids). That was the case even when we had both boys nearly every weekend. We live in a two bedroom house currently so they had one of two bedrooms, he uses our car to do pick ups and drop offs, I spend more on food for all of us. He pays CSM but I think that’s fair enough and it’s not that large a chunk of his income. It’s about 20% but then his half of our mortgage etc is about the same again. He has a loan which is less than CSM but he’s constantly trying to pay that off and his credit card bill so I can only assume that’s where all his money goes.