To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

[AliceRR]

I think he has been emotionally abusive and can be. I think he can be manipulative. But I do think things have improving a lot. I was upset this week because his behaviour seemed to have regressed to what I was dealing with early last year and I thought we’d moved in. Maybe we have as he is at least talking about it now but we’ll see.

[Mix56]

Who pays for the childcare when you return to work?
This is going to be a permanent issue. He doesn't want to pay for you or your baby.
IMO he considers the baby not his responsibility, he is jealous that you earn more, that you have no debts or incurred other obligations... so he wants what is yours &! Then, he justifies it

[GabriellaMontez]

You are so on the back foot here that every 'compromise ' he makes feels like a win but really you're no where near even.

I hope you can work something out. But I'd give some thought to leaving and how you would manage.

I wouldn't be paying his debts for him. Especially not at this time.

Is he even aware he'll be paying half the nursery fees?

Am i right in saying that you don't know how big his debts are or what he does with his money?

[RestingBitchFaced]

For the sake of £3 get a taxi booked to take him to the station in the mornings. £15/week max or let him take the car a couple of days, and cut it down even more. In the summer he can walk

[RestingBitchFaced]

What are you planning to do when the baby arrives? Is he expecting you both to wake up and get in the car and drive him a mile after being up most of the night?

[Annasgirl]

100% with Betty - do not get a joint account where you earn more, he tries to control you and he has debts and CMS to pay. You are setting yourself up for huge upheaval when you eventually leave.

Also, the recommendation on here to women who are about to leave men is always to take some money from the joint account to tide them over - he could wipe you out.

Please do not share a bank account. And please consider leaving. Your life will be hell when you have a reduced income on Mat leave - now you are financially able to "escape" he is still being nice - imagine what he will be like when you are totally beholden to him. Also as someone said - who will pay childcare when you return to work? Its a huge cost and it should be 50:50 as you both have a responsibility to your child. If he suggests you pay, then you know you need out.

[Stifledlife]

Can you work out how much it costs to run your joint life per month, add some, split it and both pay that in. If he has less disposable income than you because he has children and loans that happened before you did, that isn't your problem.

As for the car.. You are going to need the car full time when the baby is here. The need to get out of the house can be overwhelming at times, and sometimes nothing will sooth a fractious baby like a car ride, and an hour of peace with your favourite music can work wonders for you as well). The child may get sick, you may have other mummy friends to visit.. there are all sorts of reasons why you need a car so he's just going to have to suck that one up.

I must admit he sounds awfully petty, keeping score about everything and by extension making you keep score.
My concern is if you are like this now, what will you be like in the difficult first few weeks of having a new baby??

[vdbfamily]

I had 3 preschoolers, lived in a village and managed with my husband using the car to get to the station. We were living on one income and 2 cars was not an option. It was a relief when he decided to start cycling but I still only used the car a couple of times a week.

[goose1964]

People without cars walk to Train stations all the time,a mile is nothing. How is he going to manage after the baby arrives.? In my experience babies always want things done at the most awkward times, so it could be time for him to be driven to the station and baby will need feeding or do a poonami, is he going to drive himself and then expect you, a car seat and a newborn to get a taxi to the car.

[LeSquigh]

I agree with what a lot of other posters have said. He should be walking the mile to the train station. My nearest station is a mile from me and it takes 10-15 mins at a leisurely stroll!

[Motoko]

There's none so blind, as those who can't see...

OP, did you even read AnoukSpirit's post? Or are you trying to ignore it, because you don't think it applies to you?

I'm going to tell you your fortune, and I don't need a crystal ball to see your future.
You will go ahead and buy the house. When you have the baby, he will expect you to do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc, because "he's been at work all day, and you've been at home".

He will expect you to still pay for everything, even though your income will drop while on maternity leave.

When you go back to work, you will have to organise, and pay for childcare, because you know more about that sort of thing than he does (because you have a vagina), and he has to pay CMS, so can't afford to pay childcare costs on top of that.

He will continue to get his own way, because you will be too tired to argue.

He will continue to emotionally abuse you, and gaslight you.

Now, you are already accepting some of the blame for the problems (saying there are 2 sides to every story) and you will eventually believe you are the one in the wrong, and will try to avoid situations that you know are his triggers.

Your self esteem will be non-existent.

Hopefully, you will eventually decide to leave him, but may put it off, because of the disruption to your children's lives.

It's bleak. But this is what's ahead of you, if you continue with this man. Is part of the reason you're trying so hard, because you don't want to admit to your parents, that you made a big mistake marrying him?

You need to read Anouk's post, watch the video, and really, really think about it.

[Mix56]

You are still trying to fix (negotiate/compromise) this, but whilst commendable, & absolutely normal within most marriages. this is someone you cannot fix
Because you are in the middlle of the FOG
Fear of being alone with baby etc/Fear of being judged by others
Obligations that come with partnerships & marriage, to your child
Guilt that made so many wrong decisions, Guilt of hurting DH...
But actually, if you bought your own small house, paid your own childminder, paid your own bills, kept your own car, there is likely to be very little negative difference in your life, as he will be out with his friends, playing squash, wanting his dinner & not participating in anything (other than collecting his other child at the w/e & expecting you to feed him...) with your child or home

[Boobahs]

Myeoteto
T

[CanuckBC]

Just read this whole thread. Wow, he is good at gaslighting and manipulation.

Please, re-read Anouk’s post. It is dead on right.

Have you had your baby? If so, how are things going?

I’d almost say buy the house together just to get your name on the equity so you can get it out when you end up leaving...

[snitzelvoncrumb]

Is there another option, I wouldn't walk that far either. It won't be that easy to get up and take him when you have the baby. You might find you need two cars.

[Itsnotme123]

I know this is an old thread, but I was blindly married to a man like this. He would’ve got me up and out at the most inconvenient times unnecessarily. You would think his mother would enlighten him as to how hard it is for you.

I would get your ducks in a row.. buy the house jointly so you have half of that when you want to leave him further down the line.

If I was you, knowing your situation, I would leave him now if I possibly could. There’s men out there who would worship the ground you walk on.

[majaandme]

The thing is these behaviours can come in cycles. Abusive men aren't always total wankers but the see an opportunity, usually when you're at your most vulnerable like pregnancy and having a baby, then start throwing their weight around.

My experience is that things are ok as long as your towing the line. If you protest, you then see who they really are and how they think of you. There's no compromise, no reasoning, no compassion. You serve a function for their egos. That's it.