To not want to date religious guys?

[LadyandGent]

I'm irreligious.

Am I being a bit previous for dismissing a guy because of his religion?

The great thing about dating is that you really do have free choice. There are no protected characteristics in the dating game. Choose him because he takes your breath away and refuse him if he doesn't.

Enjoy

I think it is fairly common on Mumsnet to think that anyone who has a religious faith is an extremist .

Note the hysteria over a school nativity play or attending an RE class.

I think there are lots of reasons to not date someone and differing religious beliefs is one. My husband and I were both of the same faith when we got together, that's the how and why of how we got together I suppose. We both no longer attend. I have strong feelings against organised religion now, I actually really want to believe but my own experiences in the church have pushed we so far away. It's difficult because my husband still sort of believes, well he agrees with me on my points but he still believes but ultimately feels church doesn't make you a better person and form the examples of the people we know it makes you a worse person, so he stays away. It's difficult though as ultimately I don't want to affect him but as my best friend I obviously discuss my feelings with him and we have to jointly decide what's next for out children and given the examples of constant abuse of authority it's not something either of us are comfortable letting our children getting involved in unless changes are made, the woman is change of the refuses to speak to speak to my children and we have Been told she hates them, I don't know if she's said that or it's just part of the cycle of drama and bullying they created there, but ultimately who would send their kids there.

So it's really difficult.

I wouldn't enter a relationship with differing religious beliefs.

I’d have thought it’d be on a case by case basis.

As I said my husband is actually a minister and is the most amazing and selfless man I’ve ever met. I can’t imagine writing off dating him based purely on his beliefs.

Maybe I just got lucky and found a wonderful man who happens to believe deeply. Are they a rare breed?

The thing is, for me, dating someone based on their beliefs, or lack thereof, makes sense. It is a core part of who they are. I don't have a belief in a god or gods. It's how my mind is wired. Long experience has taught me that I'm not compatible with anyone who is religious. To me, it's a fundamentally different world view.

I wouldn't extrapolate from that that atheists/ agnostics cannot successfully have relationships with religious people. Clearly they can. But I can't and can therefore understand why someone else might want to rule out anyone religious.

It's great that you've found someone you're so happy with and it's great that (presumably) you have enough core values in common. For some of us it just doesn't work that way.

I think it is fairly common on Mumsnet to think that anyone who has a religious faith is an extremist

Certainly I don't think all religious people are extremist. But they do all believe that there is some sort of mysterious higher power that governs the universe and explains its mysteries. This just goes fundamentally against my values.

I'm a Catholic and would happily marry an athetist dependant on a mutual tolerance and respect of each other's beliefs. The only 'sticking' point may be that I would want to be married in the Catholic Church and our children to be brought up as Catholics (as promised to God on our wedding day).

Otherwise, I would be happy for them to hear alternative points of view and have healthy (and respectful) debates. I would hope my husband would certainly encourage more intelligent atheist arguments than the usual 'sky fairies'!

Ultimately, your athetist dreamboat boyfriend may find religion 29 years down the line (or vice versa) so it can't be really be predicted....such is the fun of life!!!

Those of you who are strict Athiests, how would you feel if your child develops a strong faith? I was not raised to attend Church or in a ‘religious’ family, it was completely my own decision to become involved in the Church.

I would be disappointed. Id hope she smarter than that.
But if she did, id attend a wedding or christening cos they my kid and big moment in life but not say family outing to church on a weekend or over holidays, we wouldn't say grace under my roof, if anyone being thanked for food its me and dp, the ones who cook and buy it. She also wouldn't get to many church things till she drove as we wouldn't take her.
Thankfully so far she dont seem to have any belief and what she does know she thinks is crazy.

The thing is the atheist movement doesn't have the historical significance of the Catholic Church ... not limited to sex abuse cases , the Magdalen Laundries , Tuam Children's home etc - treatment of women etc .

Unfortunately if anyone I was involved with decided to get involved with this organization I'd be out .

whatisfred Having your children brought up as catholics is a big ask if you have a partner of a different religion, or none.

Ultimately, your athetist dreamboat boyfriend may find religion 29 years down the line (or vice versa) so it can't be really be predicted....such is the fun of life

And it would be a strong lean to deal breaker.
If my dp found religion, he would expect that he as a male gets certain roles and i as a female take certain roles as per the bible, that would never fly with me. We couldnt live like that.
Broken down in religion women are seen as lesser, they are kept under the thumb so to speak. We would always be odds over many things big and small

You know, the same applies to joining the armed forces, for me it would be a strong lean to deal breaker. Not the lifestyle i signed up for, not a belief system i take on.

Yep. Misogyny in the church was one of my top reasons for leaving.

YANBU.
I ended a relationship (early days) upon finding out a guy was religious. I only wanted to settle down with an atheist.

@HeyNannyNanny

But we can still be friends, right?

I'm a Catholic and would happily marry an athetist dependant on a mutual tolerance and respect of each other's beliefs. The only 'sticking' point may be that I would want to be married in the Catholic Church and our children to be brought up as Catholics (as promised to God on our wedding day).

Presumably therefore
a) you are a virgin
b) you are looking for a man who will abstain from sex or living together until you are married
c) you are looking for a man who will be happy not to use any form of contraception?

Or do you pick and choose which bits of Catholic teaching you are happy with and ignore the other bits?

Whatisfred - but that's not mutual respect is it? You are basically saying, I am happy to marry someone with a different religious perspective to me but as long as you agrees to all my religious requirements for yourself and your children.

As for religion changing later down the line, the fact is people do charge and for some that may be endgame but for others the fact there have been years of mutual love and respect means you can learn to adapt.

It's a very different scenario. I realise my experience is the opposite way around, but if we were always atheists and then my husband found religion 10 years down the line I would expect him to still respect my beliefs or non-beliefs and not force it upon me or the children, whereas if there was religion from the start, you would have the scenario you propose. Ultimately if my husband found religion and then forced it on our family that would be a deal breaker but usually if someone is in a extended relationship prior then it's a lot more mutual respect.

Ultimately though you get the opposite scenario where people married atheists and expect them to join. My husbands family all did that, one of my brother in laws did join but he's very hot and cold with it and my mother in law always shows a lot of resentment that my father in law didn't convert. She doesn't drink and has now forced him to not drink too. She convinced him he was an alcoholic because he used to drink in secret but that was only because she would be horrible if ever he did drink. So no, it can work but it always going to be difficult unless one person converts.

I think it only works when you have kids if either the religious partner is not very devout and don't really practise the religion at all, or you have an ultra laid back partner who goes with the flow and lets their partner make all the decisions.
Otherwise it would be a deal breaker for me.

Sexnotgender
I’m actually amazed at how many people simply wouldn’t date someone because they are religious.
I’d have thought it’d be on a case by case basis.
As I said my husband is actually a minister and is the most amazing and selfless man I’ve ever met

I am very happy for you, it clearly worked for you both which is wonderful. Can I ask you, what is your husband's attitude to abortion? Is he against it? If you had to buy a morning after pill, would he be ok with it? Does he support gay marriage? Would he perform a wedding ceremony for gays and lesbians?

You see, for me, and many other women here, only certain reactions from a man would be ok: a man who supports a right to abortion, gay rights, who has no concept of "sin". I think very few religious men would be like that, only exceptions.

Contraceptionismyfriend what a superb name! I always say "Marylin Monroe was right up to a point: not only diamonds are a woman's friend, but champagne and contraception too". Sorry for the off-topic.

Can I ask how exactly did you find out this man was religious? Was he upset/surprised, or even angry at your decision not to date him?

At University I dated a lovely guy who (I hadn't realised) was deeply religious. We had a couple of "fun" dates, then one weekend I went out with friends and had a raging hangover the following day. I spent the day at home on my parents sofa sipping lucozade and being treated like a princess, til he called the house looking for me and when my Dad laughingly explained I'd got a hangover the size of Africa then passed the phone to me, the guy began to tell me how he didn't think it was appropriate, ladylike or Christian to behave in such a way and that if I ever got so drunk I had to spend a day on a sofa he'd never speak to me again. Inevitably I made the choice for him and that was that, but it put me off anyone with very strong religious feelings because I just don't want to be "saved" or thought of as lacking because I have different beliefs.

My Sister is Catholic (complicated situation where we were adopted by different families so she was raised Catholic and I was raised to be a bit of a twat). Her DH converted to Catholicism in order for them to marry and their DC are both attending Catholic schools and being taught Catholicism as "fact" rather than choice. Her DH hates it, openly, and admits that he had no real clue when he converted that it would be such a huge part of their lives and parenting.

BloodyDisgrace my husband is very liberal and would happily marry a homosexual couple. If I wanted an abortion he would 100% support me.

I’m aware he’s perhaps not ‘normal’, that’s why I said I couldn’t imagine having decided not to date him purely based on the fact he is religious as I’d never have found out how truly wonderful he is I’d have written him off for no good reason.

@BloodyDisgrace I am currently pregnant with my third 😂
It was said (quite loudly) to me by my friend after I told her. I think after this she has a point.

This is going back many many...many years so I'm going to summarise in case people pull me on particulars.

But we were just discussing stuff. As you do.

And he mentioned that while he wasn't as strict as his family there were certain things that were important to him.
Christenings, marriage in church, religious education.

Those are throngs that I fundamentally disagree with.

Also as pp mentioned I really dislike religious believers who pick and choose what to follow.

So a church wedding was important but we'd been having sex for weeks....nope.

I just fizzled it out and said I didn't think we were comparable.

sexnotgender But as he is a minister this has an impact on your life too. So no I would not be interested in dating a minister however lovely he was. Because being a minister is not just a job.

Contraceptionismyfriend thank you for the answer. Yep, these things you mentioned are what I disagree with too (even had a problem with attending a church wedding but in the end decided it's not about me and my principles, and just went), and like you I dislike pick and chose attitude. if you subscribe, it's for a full year, not just for July or September ;)

@marymarkle Yes, being a minister is not just a job. I have a lovely friend in her 40s who has recently gone into the CofE as a curate which amused many people as although she has belief she's divorced, drinks like a fish, swears like a trooper and is very attractive - you'd be astonished if you met her and learned what she did for a job. But it's not a job. I hardly see or hear from her now - which is fine, her life has changed - but it does make me realise why I could never date any form of clergy. Belief is not the issue, it's the so limited time you'd ever spend together. It'd be like having a long distance relationship with someone but they only live two miles away.

Or do you pick and choose which bits of Catholic teaching you are happy with and ignore the other bits

Firstly, there's no need to be rude.
To answer your points:

1. and 2. Yes, I would try to not have sex before marriage. However, we are not perfect by any means so things can get out of hand. If it did happen, I would pick myself up and try again. I would never make my partner feel bad about his sexual past.

1. We are open to life and can use natural family planning to space out children responsibly. There are many resources that can help you to be very accurate with your cycles. The pill etc can be used as a medicine (as long as the primary purpose is not as a contraceptive)

I think the the key is to be upfront with the person about your expectations of marriage and children. It's also a lot of compromise too e.g children not going to RC school, freely having open debates / criticism of religion. If we were married in the Catholic Church, I would fully expect to carry through my vows regarding children. If an atheist husband didn't want to attend church/baptisms etc, that is fine. I would be respectful of his decisons.

Also, I definitely feel respected as a woman in the church. Lots of women are involved in different roles in our church and after Jesus, the most venerated woman is Mary.....

Not being rude. Perfectly reasonable question based on your statement.

I would be respectful of his decisons

Does this mean that if you met someone, you would ask him very early on if he would have an issue with having his children brought up in the Catholic religion and if he said no, you would cease the relationship? I only ask because in my experience, it's always the non-Catholic half of a relationship who has to compromise.

I do feel, based on your replies (and thank you) you really should only date someone who is similarly religious.