To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

I just texted DH saying I’d like to discuss this tonight (so he can think about it) and he texted back saying he has spoken with his ex (presumably last night when he dropped off SA but he didn’t tell me) and it is sorted (he hasn’t said how) and he said he’ll support me in however I want to do this so I feel a bit better.

Give him the password for a just eat account and money for a taxi if he needs to get home.

He’s 14, not 4!!!

It's obviously a DH issue OP and you need to put your foot down with him. What has he said when you've broached it?

why do you think that your childcare arrangements for your time with your stepson become the problem of the ex wife and her family?

For God's sake! This may not be the DH's first baby, but it is the OP's first. It's an incredibly special time for her. Why should she give up her hopes and wishes for her labour and birth? Being a step parent doesn't make you legally or morally less valuable you know.

He stays upstairs until he is called down for food or it is handed to him.

You have to wonder why they even persist with the EOW contact?

Of course this is just conjecture on my part as I obviously don't know him, but he doesn't sound like he'll be that fussed about the new baby anyway.

Good luck OP, hope it all goes smoothly and you get the birth experience you hope for

You also keep referring to this boy as 'his son'. This child is your son too now! Your step son - no wonder the kid doesn't want to come out of his room

He is my husband’s son. He is also my step son. I have referred to him as both. I haven’t called him “my son” as he isn’t and that would be weird. And funnily enough I’ve seen SMs be criticised on mumsnet for referring to their step children as if their child! 🤷🏻‍♀️

He stays in his room all the time at his mother’s too. So do his cousins (DH family) who are a similar age. I think it’s fairly common at that age. I spent a lot of time in my room when I lived with my parents from about that age.

Thanks again everyone for the advice and input (even if I don’t agree - but then that’s the point isn’t it?) but especially those who understand where I’m coming from

As PP say it’s so often the case that people respect how a mother wants to give birth and I think no one would bat an eyelid if I said I’d arranged to get my child out or the house when I’m due to give birth but some people are clearly a bit wary of stepmothers and expect them to completely put aside their feelings on the off chance their step child might feel slighted

Just seen your update OP. Hope he's sorted it to your satisfaction.

You have to wonder why they even persist with the EOW contact?

Thanks for noticing SMs are not second class citizens!!

I think it’s not unusual for a child that age to spend time in their room but I think DH could make more effort to do things with him or get him to do things. I sometimes feel like I’m more often the one to call him down and encourage him to sit with us. I don’t know if DH is just lazy or exhausted from the week (we both have demanding jobs) or doesn’t want to bother SS too much but he tends to leave him alone. But also not knowing what to do with him. We are moving house next month and DH does want to do some of the DIY work himself and SS does get invoked with things like that sometimes. He could get him involved and it might b a nice thing for them to do together.

I don’t think DH would want to suggest he stop coming over for obvious reasons especially now baby is here but he may stop himself. He is 14 but a young 14. He spends time with his friends some weekends and obviously here being a 45 min drive from his mum and his friends (is a couple of train journeys that would take at least as long probably) he doesn’t have the option to see his friends when he’s here. Similarly if he were to have a girlfriend then it’s more likely he’d want to be at his mum’s maybe.

Not sure how he’ll be when the baby is here. He’s a caring child so I think he will be loving towards the baby but might still prefer sitting in his room playing x box!

You’re likely to have plenty of warning. I was at least 12 hours having contractions before anything exciting happened. I went to Tesco and dh went to work. With dc2, I took my toddler to the park and to buy new shoes! You won’t be naked with your legs in the air from the word go, and it’s likely you’ll continue as normal with plenty of time to get dss home.

You’re likely to have plenty of warning. I was at least 12 hours having contractions before anything exciting happened.

Yes I think that’s most likely true but it’s more a “just in case”

We pack our bags etc and it’s just a case of wanting to be as prepped as possible

DSS was 13 when DD was born. I wasn't sure how he would take to a baby. They have the most beautiful relationship of all the kids. He is so loving toward her. When DD was born and family came to meet her I let DSS be the one to hand her over. I let him tell them all about her. He was such a proud big brother. He was a champion bouncer too. When the baby was fussy he would happily stand and bounce with her. Foster this relationship - you'll get more showers if nothing else! DSS loved wearing her in the Ergo sling when we went out for walks. He'd tuck her under his jacket and be chatting away to her. I have the most gorgeous photos of them together. It can be an amazing age gap. Just include him in everything. He is the best gift you can give this baby. He may be this baby's only sibling and family once you and DH are old and gone. Enjoy OP!

For God's sake! This may not be the DH's first baby, but it is the OP's first. It's an incredibly special time for her. Why should she give up her hopes and wishes for her labour and birth? Being a step parent doesn't make you legally or morally less valuable you know.

I don’t really know what you’re talking about 🤷🏻‍♀️. The op thinks it’s too much to ask of anyone else to help out with her stepson - family and friends may find it an imposition because they’re not in her stepsons life. I think it’s the same to ask it of the ex. Actually I’d rather ask my family to help but the dynamics in this family are different to what mine would be.

I hope the op has the magical / special experience she’s hoping for but the thing is when you get together with someone who has a child/ren I think you have to accept everything that comes with that. It’s a responsibility that I’m not sure I’d want because I’m probably too selfish and I’m fine with that.

I hope you feel better after your chat tonight.

I know this is your first baby and it's scary, but the ex is a midwife, so she meets tons of women having their first baby and will be well used to a wide range of reactions ranging from sensible and calm to absolutely bonkers. I doubt you'll be able to offend her - there's nothing she hasn't heard from 38-week pregnant women. If you say or do anything crazy, I'm sure she'll put it down to the hormones rather than you being the crazy new partner of her ex.

And I know you're trying to second guess how your stepson is feeling (have you actually asked him?) but as his mum and primary carer, she knows him better. And as his mum, she is going to want to make him feel comfortable as well. You are all on the same side, really.

This is one of those situations where if the exes are amicable and co-parenting properly, the ex can be a true ally rather than an inconvenience.

You've been worrying about lots of hypotheticals without being particularly sure which are more likely to happen, but the ex is going to have already thought about this I'm sure, and won't be panicking. She's seen it before. You will not be the first couple to have a baby whilst looking after a teenager.

You all want what's best for your stepson and the new baby (if the ex didn't have empathy for pregnant women, she wouldn't be in her line of work), so you'll come to a solution. You will. Just focus on that, don't get yourself worked up, and have a calm conversation later on about what your OH has sorted out for you.

If it doesn't make sense, talk it through, and if it still doesn't make sense, either tell him to speak to his ex again or arrange for all three of you to have a conversation. It will be OK.

I can remember being sent away to neighbours after my younger brother was born at home. I didn't like being sent away especially as the neighbour threatened to hit me at some point when I'd woken early the next day and was playing a game with her children that involved crawling around the floor in blankets, pretending to be zoo animals. My father had also been very cross the night before my brother was born and shouted at me. (My Mum would have been going into labour, and they were trying to get us to go to bed early while it was light - without saying what was going on.)

To be honest I think it took decades for my relationship with my younger brother to recover from that bad start!

For that reason I was very keen that my stepchildren would be very involved when my first child was born. They were among the very first visitors at the hospital - my mother had come earlier. The times when they stayed with us never changed at any point. They were - and are - brilliant siblings to my child.

But perhaps the longer-term point is that he doesn't seem to be being encouraged to grow up. I think it would be useful if he could start seeing himself as a 'big' brother - not a kid who has to be waited on hand and foot. Because it's not all about the birth. Looking after your new baby will be tiring - and looking after two babies when one of them is 14 is too much.

Worse comes to worse. Dh can put him on a train/bus or ss.comes hospital and sits in family waiting room until his mum can collect him. SS is your family now so I also wouldn't mind asking my own mum/dad to give him a lift

SS is your family now so I also wouldn't mind asking my own mum/dad to give him a lift

My mum doesn’t drive and my dad is busy on weekends as he has a shop that he has just opened (in a different city again) so would be a big ask - 3 hours driving maybe

DH said he’s sorted it so I’ll be asking him what that means

But perhaps the longer-term point is that he doesn't seem to be being encouraged to grow up.

I agree this is an issue generally. He’d not with us v often so realistically DH doesn’t get too involved with teaching him things. I think he wants him to have an easy a life as possible when he’s here so he wants to keep coming! I think their mum waits on them too and to be fair I’ll often take him breakfast in bed so that I know he’s eating but maybe things will change when he’s the big brother

How far do you live from the hospital OP?

There are a lot of double standards on MN regarding stepmums. It reads like they always should put the stepchild first or treat them like their own child but they aren't allowed to take the stepchild for a haircut, make any parenting decisions, not allowed to speak with school et cetera. In the case of the OP she doesn't have any contact with bio mum regarding visits. Either he fully is the stepmums child or he isn't. Not one or the other when it is convenient.

Get your DH to speak to his mum. I imagine that the conversation will go like this

DH: I wanted to talk to you about what to do if DW goes into labour whilst Dss Is in labour

Mum: sure, text me if you need him collected and I’ll come and get him and if I’m at work I’ll get his grandma / a friend to come. Don’t worry if you need to get to hospital before I arrive, he can stay at yours on his own for a couple of hours until we get him picked up

Job done.

If you are in labour when he’s there, he will most likely have his headphones, phone and YouTube in his bedroom to entertain him

You’re likely to have plenty of warning. I was at least 12 hours having contractions before anything exciting happened.

Probably, but on the other hand quicker labours do happen. Havind a back up plan just makes sense.

He’d not with us v often so realistically DH doesn’t get too involved with teaching him things.

Well that might kill two birds with one stone - perhaps your DH could cook Saturday night dinner with him. They get to spend "quality time" together and stepson learns to cook. Bingo!

And perhaps, one weekend, your DH could pick up or go home on the train with him (a PITA I know, but bear with me) with the son "leading" (i.e. finding out times, checking platforms etc.) so he can find his way to/from yours in the future if necessary.

I agree about teenagers spending most of their time in their rooms though, I know I did! But it does sound like DH needs to put a bit more effort in with his son, especially once the baby arrives.

At 14 he should be able to get a taxi to the station a mile away and change trains. If he can't do it already it is now time he practised. Leave the number for a good taxi firm, find out how much the fare is and leave in in an envelope ready with the taxi phone number on the front.

Stock the fridge with some Marks and Spencer goodies or can he manage to cook a pizza or bacon sandwiches. These are normal life skills for a 14 year old get him practising.

I do not understand why a 14 year old boy cannot stay on his own for a bit? Or why he cannot make his own way back to his mum by train? He is 14!

Poor parenting.

OP, you take a 14 year old breakfast in bed? Seriously? You guys have really made a rod for your own backs. I can see a lot of changes hurtling towards you very fast!

@AliceRR I will agree with you about 14 year old boys spending most of their time in their room. I joke ds’s teachers see more of him than I do. He comes out to shower, use the loo and get food. Then he’s back in again!🤷🏻‍♀️

I was 14 when my mum had a baby, I stayed at home. I got the laundry done, did a big shop and tidied up so it was all nice. He'll probably just stay up late playing x-box, while you can make sure he knows where the good snacks are and has money for a pizza delivery. A plan for an alternate person to drop him home to his mum if there's a critical time for him to get back would be useful if he really can't get a bus, but again - he's 14, when is he learning these normal life skills exactly?

I think you've seen too many films, labour at home isn't screeching and rolling around. It might help you to at least do one pregnancy yoga class quickly, it's deep breathing that you need to do not random yelling.

How far do you live from the hospital OP?

About half an hour

The thing about cooking etc has been addressed - as stated above, it isn’t just about that

Also there isn’t time now for DH to send him on a practice run to get home etc before the next weekend we are supposed to have him

Same with the screeching etc in early labour. I would like to be at home for as long as possible and as comfortable as possible. I would like privacy to be honest, or at least I think I will. Also it’s not just that, you don’t know what might happen or I might need to go to hospital sooner or there could be some kind of emergency. I’m not expecting that but part of parenting is planning ahead just in case and we have to think of what is best for all of us in that situation. I don’t think it would be helpful for SS if something worrying happened and then everyone is panicking as there is no plan.

Also it might not be just a few hours at home. It could be days. And DH might not be able to leave me or I might not want him to.

Anyway DH has spoken to his mum and so I’ll speak to him later to find out what he’s thinking