To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

Someone up thread said they don't let you go more than a week over now. I've had 3 babies in the last 7 years, most recently 3 months ago, and they were 10 days over, 15 days over and 13 days over respectively. In our area they refuse to induce until 14 days over. All areas are different so you might want to discuss that with your midwife.

I think your dss is a bit of a red herring for most posters here. On most MN threads all you head is "it's about your needs" and "do what makes you feel comfortable", but here people are suggesting that dss should be put first because he mustn't be left out. I think you've been quite clear that if it were your own blood child you would also be making arrangements for them. Bottom line is, you wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else there.

Fwiw when I had my first I felt just the same. In fact the prospect of anyone else other than DH being there horrified me. I didn't know how people could possibly want their mum's there and the thought filled me with total dread. Through circumstance my mum did actually end up being there and all of my concerns were the last thing on my mind and were in fact totally non existent. I was so grateful she was there. I'm not saying you'd be the same (and we're not talking about your mum here), but I wanted to provide you with some reassurance that if things didn't go how you hope, then it may not be as much as a worry as you think.

I think the only issue here is that DH has not put a plan in place. Having a plan is more than reasonable and is of benefit to you and to dss. Get DH to ascertain the various options and then he needs to run them past dss and let him choose what he would prefer to do. It'll make him feel more included rather than being shunted around.

I can tell you care. It's clear you're not just trying to get rid of him for that weekend.

So if you cancel this weekend "just in case" , but you go over and end up having the baby 2 weeks after that, he'd be cancelled again. Great way to make him feel like he's been pushed aside for the new baby.

I'd just let things play out. You'll most likely have the baby at some other time - and if you do have it on his weekend, let him stay on his own. Surely he has a phone and can be in contact / make a couple of meals for himself at 14.

Let the boy come over, if you go into labour it won't hurt him. You'll go into hospital and he is old enough to be left alone at your home. He might feel pushed out if you refuse to have him, 'just in case'. Anyway, babies are notorious for not arriving when you expect them. I only know one person who had a baby on the due date.

If you do happen to go into labour just before the boy comes, obviously you telephone (or husband does) and put him off. That would be reasonable in those circumstances but do get your husband to bring him over to see his new sibling as soon as possible, just a quick visit. He's likely to be excited and will want to help.

Good luck, hope all goes well.

Wow I'm just that people couldn't leave a fourteen year old for a couple of hours on their own or allow them to get a train. How are we training our kids to be independent adults? If he really can't make a piece of toast (!) then your husband would have plenty of time to make him some sandwiches and leave them in the fridge for him. Your SS won't have to make a full roast dinner fgs.

I do empathise with you OP about your dh not sorting out the arrangements. It's really up to him not you and he should be doing it now. But I don't think it's a good start to stop DSS coming just in case.

It sounds like your families are not very involved with each other but it would be nice to have things different for the next generation as families can be a big support. I feel a bit for your SS that your DH's family or your family aren't that interested in him. But somehow it makes it even more important that you make him feel part of the family.

In some ways it would be easier if it was your child because being away for a night wouldn't be a big deal but to not see a parent for a whole month would seem like forever at that age.

I'd focus on your DH. If he's not supporting you on this, how is he going to be when the baby's born? Labour is just the start of it. Good luck OP.

Put £50 aside for a taxi for him.
Your DH can let his mum know he'll be going home if you go into labour.
Sorted.

You are an anxious first time mum so of course you want to have plans in place - I would be exactly the same!
Your DH needs to actually ask his son what he thinks or wants. He might turn round and be horrified at the idea of being with you in labour! He might also, not want to be carted off to the hospital when you go in.
Communication is key here and your DH needs to be the one having the conversation with his son and his ex.
Why people don't just talk baffles me.
Good luck OP. I hope it all goes smoothly

He's 14 not 4! If left to his own devices he will feed himself when hungry, a couple of meals of toast is fine but I bet he won't resort to that. If mil can't pick him up can he not use public transport? Your labour is likely to be reasonably long so your dh could make plans just in case but given this is two days out of several potential weeks chances are ss won't be with you anyway.

It would be very unusual to be in a situation of suddenly being in pain at the start of labour. You are most likely to have hours of being socially aware before it gets intense. I think you are worrying yourself about something that's not going to happen. I'm sure if you get into an emergency situation a neighbour would take in DSS until his mum could come, or your mum would come over. I think the fact he is 14 means you really don't need to worry.

I think it’s a good idea to give your dh 24 hours to speak to his ex. I know all Labour is different. I started having weakish contractions the day before I went into labour. I was in a restaurant with friends and it still gets joked about occasionally as I’d suddenly grab hold of the table and brace myself. The labour that you heard from your neighbour was proper contractions and mine started four or five hours before my waters broke and dd was born 12 hours or so after these contractions.

I know we are all different and your labour may be fast. But just to illustrate it isn’t uncommon to have a lot of warning and you can often be part of the family until closer to the birth. Of course there are extremes at each end of the spectrum.

'The OP has been very very clear that she wants privacy at the beginning of labour. Please respect her labour plan.'

Unfortunately when you have children to care for you have to give certain things up sometimes, and privacy is one of them.

'I never understand the whole you cannot ever ask SS not to come around. He’s not made of paper, it’s only a few weeks! This is a one off!'

Because his father has parenting obligations that he is legally obliged to fulfil. Women should object when men don't bother with their parenting responsibilities especially when a new baby comes along. How do you think it feels to first of all have your parent separate, then your dad starts a whole new family without you and you aren't even allowed to visit because step mum requires totally privacy

The most incredible thing is how infantalised this 14 year old is. Can't be left alone, mustn't use the kitchen in case he burns himself or starts a fire (ffs!). Can't get on a train or bus by himself. This is an excellent opportunity for him to learn some life skills, this is how the useless husbands MN constantly reports start off.

This is a really shit situation OP.

I cannot believe the posters saying to just accept a 14 year old male stepchild being around when you're in labour - this is absolutely your call, and owing to the progression issues that are biologically going to kick in if you're stressed & anxious, I think it's downright dangerous to say "well you're a stepparent, just put up with it". Not acceptable at all.

On the other hand, it sounds like the 14 year old has some growing up to do /independence issues (can't feed himself?!), This is the wrong time an catalyst to start building them.

Basically, your DH needs to step up - being a parent involves thinking of others, and being a bit disorganized is moot, he simply needs to deal with putting a contingency plan in place.
Whether that's £50 for a taxi back to the mum;
Cancelling;
Arranging for the mum to come collect;
Leaving the boy with another capable adults;
Etc.....

.... It doesn't matter what the backup plan is, there needs to be one agreed now (weeks ago, frankly).

Personally if the DH can't step up and have his laboring partners back on this, my own backup plan would involve an alternative (or no) birth partner. The DH can take his son home and scratch his head about why he's missing the birth of his new child. What an idiot.

Stop watching birth videos. Early labour is nothing like late stage birth videos.

It's a slight, occasional twinge every twenty minutes or something.

He's 14 not 4, I'm sure he can busy himself playing computer or watching tv if you go into labour until his mother can pick him up and can be left alone of course - try not to overthink these things. I know you are anxious, but it's essential not to push him away, he deserves his time with his father too.

I think you're probably worrying about nothing. There are several different scenarios that could resolve this. DH takes DSS home himself at the first sign of labour, DSS is put in a taxi at the first sign, DSS is left in the house until his DM can pick him up (by prior arrangement in this circumstance), etc etc. You may even find that DSS doesn't want to come for a weekend (although I agree he shouldn't be told he can't, if that's the outcome the decision should be his).

You definitely should talk to DH about this and nail down a plan but this doesn't need to be a drama.

Im struggling to understand why you think it’s the problem of your stepsons mum and her family? I see it like this....... stepsons parents split up and moved on with their lives, they have an agreement in place to take care of their son. Part of that care is your husband having access eow. You life has moved onto a point that you are having your own child. All sounds great but why do you think that your childcare arrangements for your time with your stepson become the problem of the ex wife and her family? She might be very kind and be happy to help but it’s not her responsibility I don’t think.

It’s your family dynamic and lack of integration of your stepson that has caused this anxiety as far as I’m concerned.

Having said that I hope your husband and his son get something sorted, it would be ridiculous not to have a plan in place and good luck with everything x

Why don't you arrange for an adult to be at your house when you go in to labour

Like who? And this doesn’t sort out the issue of me not wanting people around when I am at home in labour. There would also still probably need to be some arrangement to take him to his mother’s if, say, I go into labour on a Sunday night and he has school on Monday morning and most people I know who might come and sit with him work.

My family’s involvement isn’t about whether I see them as my stepson’s family. It’s abour whether they see themselves that way and whether they’d be happy to step in. Its not ideal but I don’t think it’s that sad, it’s just life, and probably not that uncommon.

I wouldn’t say DH family are not interested in any of us. We have a good relationship and my mum gets on well with DH mum but obviously they don’t see each other often. It’s just a weird thing whereby we don’t really see any of DH family unless we travel there...

You could try to arrange a home birth! Perhaps dh's ex could even pop round and lend a hand?

😬😂🤔

Because his father has parenting obligations that he is legally obliged to fulfil. Women should object when men don't bother with their parenting responsibilities especially when a new baby comes along.

Yes they should but a 14 year old child, whether biological or stepchild, is also old to understand he is not the first priority that weekend. It’s common for older siblings to be left with family or arrangements be made for when mum goes into labour. I get that DH has a responsibility and no one likes to think a child is being pushed out but there needs to be some practicality!!

Im struggling to understand why you think it’s the problem of your stepsons mum and her family?

Because his mum’s family are the only family he has nearby. My family rightly or wrongly do not consider him to be their family as mentioned. DH family are not local and don’t come up here and we can’t make them either.

I cannot believe the posters saying to just accept a 14 year old male stepchild being around when you're in labour

I believe it! I don’t agree but I expected it to be “SS should come first even if you ate in labour”!!

I think your dss is a bit of a red herring for most posters here. On most MN threads all you head is "it's about your needs" and "do what makes you feel comfortable", but here people are suggesting that dss should be put first because he mustn't be left out.

Well yes but on most step parent situations the parent is often expected to put her own feelings aside so it is not a surprise.

The fact is his feelings don’t come first on this particular issue but as it is all I’m asking is for DH to put a plan in place so as not to cause more drama at the time.

Ugh. This isn't your problem. Your family dynamic isn't the problem. You have a DH problem. Don't sort this for him unless you want to have two babies. You will seriously regret solving his problems for him when you have an actual baby.

Tell him clearly you expect him to be at the birth and to have a childcare plan in place for his 14 year old. Tell him it's causing you a huge amount of anxiety and could he please sort it ASAP and let you know what the plan is. Hoping that you won't give birth on that weekend is idiotic.

If he can't sort it this week find an alternative birth partner who can be on call for those weekends. A doula could be that person for you.

I am a stepmum who gave birth on our contact weekend - of course! My DSD told me on Saturday night she wished the baby would come while she was there and I told her I still had a week to go. More fool me! I woke up in labour at midnight. We had a nanny on call to stay with the kids. DD was born at 6:30 the next morning. DH stayed with me until 7:30 and went home to the big kids. He then came back the next day to bring us home.

I gave birth privately because I knew there would be no one to help me if I needed a c-section etc because DH wouldn't be able to stay. As this is your first and I'm assuming NHS then you really may need someone to hand you the baby to feed etc if you even up with a more medicalised birth.

Also I’m not really saying his mother needs to sort it out. The point is I think DH does it realistically I can’t see who he would have to pick up his son other than the mother or a member of her family as DH family is not around and not sure any of his friends would or if he’d even ask them. I wouldn’t have thought he’d ask my family. So that’s why it would be on his mother’s side. That’s just how it is. As for childcare, DH has never had childcare here and he also doesn’t ask his ex when he has something planned. On the rare occasion DH wants to go out or is even out for the night, assuming SS and I can’t or don’t want to go with him, then I stay home with SS. He’s never had a babysitter over or anything even years ago.

And the thing with the food. It’s not like he can’t do anything at all but he doesn’t do it. He can make toast but he doesn’t. He stays upstairs until he is called down for food or it is handed to him. He doesn’t even come and get a glass of water sometimes. He can stay alone for a few hours I’m just saying not all day and even after a few hours he would need to have someone pick him up unless I have a v quick labour. He would need someone to call on in case he needs something and the truth is (call me selfish) I want him there fully focussed on me and the baby while I’m in labour. He has said he will be but when I asked how that would work if we had SS then he didn’t have an answer as he has thought about it and for some reason doesn’t like to be made to plan ahead!

I will be speaking to DH when he gets home from work

I am a stepmum who gave birth on our contact weekend - of course!

Ha! Oh gosh.

Yes exactly it’s abour DH making plans. My family’s relationship with him etc is not really the point. He just needs to make an arrangement.

Sorry but it’s not the exw ‘s problem, your DH parents his child about 14% of the time and the ew does the other 86% I would refuse if I were the ex to messing up my very rare child free time. It’s not her or DSS’s problem you are having a baby it’s still DHs responsibility to parent that weekend.

Sorry but it’s not the exw ‘s problem

In the real world, most people are happy to make one-off arrangements to help a woman in labour.

The crap stepmothers get on MN is bizarre sometimes and not reflective of anything I've experienced in real life.

You do realise that if he was your biological son he would be there like other families with older children? Oh that's right - he's your partners biological son not your's. You mean he can't see his dad because his dad is having a new baby with his new wife? Way to go to make him feel he is still important to your partner! The baby is his sibling too! He's 14 for goodness sake - if he can't be left alone or is not able to prepare his own food then that is very unusual unless he has SEN needs.
The issue I see for you is what if you go into labour while your hubby is driving to fetch him.

I'm sorry but you are being selfish - you knew your partner had already had a child when you got pregnant. If your partner doesn't stand up for his son - than you should be worried - as this man is also going to be a dad to your baby and I'm guessing you would like it if he was to stand up for your child. You also keep referring to this boy as 'his son'. This child is your son too now! Your step son - no wonder the kid doesn't want to come out of his room - you can tell from how you write about him you consider him an painful in the butt to have around. And by the way - if he doesn't eat for a few hours, as long as he doesn't have any existing medical conditions, he won't be harmed in anyway.