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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

165 replies

Readysetcake · 27/01/2019 10:16

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 27/01/2019 10:19

Teach her she can be a princess if she wants, but teach her she can be an astronaut as well

KipperTheFrog · 27/01/2019 10:19

My 4 and a half year old loves dresses, all things princess, Disney, jewellery. We've not had make up yet.
However, she also loves playing outside, and trains.
Let your child experiment, expose her to a wide variety of experiences. That's how children learn.

ShadyLady53 · 27/01/2019 10:21

It depends on what you mean by discourage tbh.

I don’t think it’s right to suppress her desire to express herself and her identity. It sounds like you don’t like her femininity and I get where you are coming from, given your past experiences but it’s not a terrible thing for a 3 year old to like glitter and pink and princesses. I wouldn’t ban her from having these things or wanting to wear skirts and dresses. She will rebel in the future. Allow her to be who she is but also instill values about character, intelligence and resilience. Aim for the best of both worlds.

LoniceraJaponica · 27/01/2019 10:22

I agree with Hedgehogblues
Teach her that she can be anything she wants.

PristineCondition · 27/01/2019 10:22

She can be anything she wants except what you don’t like.

AlsoBling2 · 27/01/2019 10:23

Dd is always into nails and sparkles and dolls ext. Amazes me how it just happens.

However, she also loves cars, spends hours building with blocks or Lego, is convinced she's the fastest runner in the world (and practices lpads), wears trousers etc.

I think as long as you keep providing variety it's ok if that's what attracts them.

Peepingsnowdrops · 27/01/2019 10:24

I wouldn't get hung up on it. Totally agree with getting other types of fancy dress outfits and let her be her own person. She might be a girly girl and if that is who she is - let her. But I imagine she will grow out of this stage. My ds talks about marrying me it's just fairy tale stuff.

KlutzyDraconequus · 27/01/2019 10:24

What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

The flip side of not enforcing is to not forbid either.

If she wants to wear skirts and dresses and make up then support her, let her experiment.
If, like my daughter, she wants to play with cars and the thought of dresses makes her run a mile, support her and let her.

The sooner we stop both encouraging and forbidding gender specific things, the sooner gender specific things will stop.

orangecushion · 27/01/2019 10:25

It sounds great fun and will be forgotten in about 6 weeks time.

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 27/01/2019 10:25

Yes and no.

Let your child be herself. If she likes dresses and frills, so be it. It really doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that she grows up assertive, not conditioned to be nice no matter what, independent in thought and speech, self-assured.

I let my 4 year old son play with makeup and dresses if he wants to. He's free to explore 'femininity' as well as 'masculinity', and it's up to him whether he'll end up a feminine or masculine man in the future. Or a mix of both. I think that's the best approach.

SweetheartNeckline · 27/01/2019 10:26

I wouldn't allow nails painted or make up for a 3 year old but all the rest sounds fine. As long as she's aware that there's a big wide world of choices out there, her current choice to be a princess isn't an issue.

Put it this way, would you have an issue if she wanted to play at being a dog or an astronaut or a doctor all the time? Just because something is seen as "girlie" doesn't make it an inferior choice.

SoyDora · 27/01/2019 10:26

By actively discouraging her you would be preventing her from experimenting with various aspects of her personality. She’s 3... wanting to wear a bit of nail varnish now doesn’t mean she’s going to become an appearance obsessed adult.
My 5 year old DD has no interest in ‘girly’ things, never has. She plays those games with her friends however, as she likes playing with her friends. My 3 year old is constantly asking to wear lip gloss/nail varnish and will only wear dresses. I tell them both that they can play whatever they want to play, and be whatever they want to be.
They both also love Lego, slime, crafts, digging in the garden...

Yrep · 27/01/2019 10:26

I did not allow my DD to wear skirts or have dolls. She has turned out ok. She watched a Disney film when she was 9.

RoboticSealpup · 27/01/2019 10:27

My DD is very into princesses, pink clothes and dresses. I don't discourage it at all - I don't want to send a message that traditionally "girly" things are inferior. What I do is encourage her to enjoy other things too, and she does. For Halloween, she dressed as Spiderman and she loves Lego Star Wars and superheroes. I just try to send the message that she doesn't have to choose - she can enjoy anything and everything. It has worked really well so far.

SweetheartNeckline · 27/01/2019 10:28

ETA The make up / nail varnish reluctance is for sensitive skin - and the fact I don't actually own any! Skirts and dresses I would only discourage if we are e.g. going on a bike ride or they've chosen something seasonally inappropriate.

Houseonahill · 27/01/2019 10:29

It's not about actively discouraging/encouraging it's about giving her the freedom to be her own person and if that person loves makeup and sparkly things then great, if they don't equally great but don't force your lifestyle choices on her.

SoyDora · 27/01/2019 10:30

What’s wrong with having dolls?! Most boy and girl toddlers I know enjoy playing with dolls. Surely not allowing them is teaching them that looking after babies isn’t to be encouraged? We have a newborn so my DC have a renewed interest in their dolls as they are imitating mummy and daddy looking after a baby.

MrsWillGardner · 27/01/2019 10:30

My daughter is like yours. Shes 4. Her nursery teacher said the other day it’s lovely to see that she is “girly” through her own choice, rather than being “guided”, if that makes sense, as she has 4 brothers. She said they’d been chatting about jewellery and such, hence how she (the teacher) realised I know for sure my girl will be a dress wearing, bike riding, tree climbing, glitter loving individual though.

glenthebattleostrich · 27/01/2019 10:31

My 8 year old adores clothes and having her hair and nails done and a little bit of makeup.

She also climbs trees, is top of the class is maths and science and wants to be an inventor or a scientists.

My mum tells everyone how delicate and 'girly' my dd is. She was in shock when I let her climb a tree in her gorgeous playsuit and boots! I have instilled in my daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to and be whoever she chooses to be. She chooses to be the best dressed kid up a tree looking at branch formation.

Ratbagratty · 27/01/2019 10:32

I am exactly the same, hate pink, not girly myself but my 3 year old loves dresses, pink and other "girly" things. She has asked for a pink room so well have redecorated it's pink, sparkly and silver. I'm embracing the pink and girly and while I don't love it, I'm learning new things and I'm not limiting her.

MardyBra · 27/01/2019 10:33

My Dd was like that aged 3-4. Nearly two decades later she rarely wears skirts or makeup and is a kickass feminist.

FortunesFave · 27/01/2019 10:33

You can't not know where she's getting it from if you're this aware OP.

Does she go to nursery? Watch Disney films?

You need to expose her to a balanced selection of female role models. And a mix of activities somewhere between craft and gentle play and more risk-taking things.

Jduh · 27/01/2019 10:33

3.5 DD is very much into all things society consider to be 'girly'. I'm not particularly girly myself. I never wear make up or dresses. I'm not into beauty type self care etc.
I'm not too bothered by it as I still provide her with lots of opportunities to explore other interests.
It only becomes a problem if she is told she can't do/be/play something because she is a girl.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2019 10:34

Of she can be anything she wants then presently let her be a princess. Not a sit on her throne painting her nails but a still playing on the swings, jumping in puddles, smart, funny princess!

And although she's too young for Disney, there are lots of good examples of cool Princesses these days

User758172 · 27/01/2019 10:35

Let her be - she likes what she likes. You speak a lot about your feelings, but this really isn’t about you. Don’t discourage her simply because you don’t like those things.

My eldest loves everything pink, princess dresses and dolls. Fine, she’s happy. My second loves Lego and Airfix models and construction vehicles. Also fine.

Kids will like what they like. Don’t try to discourage her from anything in particular. As long as she has a wide variety of toys to play with, she’ll be fine. She’s her own person, let her do the choosing.