AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

[Readysetcake]

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

My dd is like that. She loves all that princess sparkly stuff. She only wants to wear skirts and dresses but will also wear leggings. She loves tiaras and jewellery and begs me to paint her nails.
I also expose her to lots of outdoor activities, let her get dirty playing in the mud, kick a football around, climb trees and she loves all that too.
I think it’s fine.

I think you are overthinking it a bit. Loving pink, sparkles and nail varnish at 3 doesn't mean she will always only value herself by her looks!

Agree with pp saying teach her she can be a princess and an astronaut 😍

FWIW I have a quite girly girl who at 9 loves nail polish and playing around with makeup. But also hates wearing pink and wants to be a mechanic when she grows up.

Both my kids were into princesses and pink stuff as a small girls. As preteens they are both tomboys and into football, photography, drawing and writing stories. Kids just are who they are.

You like what you like . DD likes sparkly pink stuff then I’d let her crack on with it. Offer lots of choices of different things to choose from play-wise and then let her play with what she wants to.

As soon as my DD was old enough to show preferences for clothes and toys she wanted dolls and dresses . I’d dressed her pretty gender neutrally and gave her tool sets etc (which was pretty out there 30+ years ago) but once she showed a preference I let her have the things she enjoyed.

DGD loves anything to do with building, vehicles and doesn’t like wearing dresses or skirts to the point she will try pull them straight off. She also likes playing ‘weddings’ with her cuddly toys and is obsessed with my make-up products and perfume. She’s not been given the impression that any of her likes are more valid or better than others. That’s the great thing about being around growing children, watching their personalities, likes, dislikes and interests start to develop.

My DD is nearly 3 and exactly the same. I’m also unsure where it’s come from as we haven’t instilled a ‘girly pink princess’ vibe at all. However she always wants to wear a dress, loves anything pink and sparkly and is now seemingly very into princesses. I’ve again not gone down the Disney princess route as I can’t get on board with the message behind the likes of ‘The little mermaid’. I imagine she’ll end up seeing that crap at some point somewhere but while I am able to limit it I will. I don’t actively discourage her, but I do try and put a bit of a spin on certain things. When pretending to be a princess for example, we talk about the kingdom and all the ‘political’ decisions we need to make to look after them (obv to a 3 year old understanding) so basically it’s not just about wearing a tiara and being beautiful!

I give her pretty much free reign on interests and choices (age appropriate) but try to focus on building her self confidence and esteem, let her know she can be anything she wants when she grows up and also focus on complimenting her qualities rather then her appearance.

I was another whose mum hated all things pink and I remember growing up thinking that pink things were inferior and it was bad to be 'girlie'. As I grew up I realised it was all bollocks and now I wear all colours equally and did go through a massive pink phase at university as I could wear what I wanted without judgement from my mum.

My daughter is 4, we're chilled about what she wears and plays with. She adores her pink sparky party dress but her favourite item at the moment is her dungarees. She loves her dolls, my little ponies, PJ mask toys and her tools. The important thing for me is to teach her that it's ok to want to do anything, that traditional 'girl' toys or activities are equal to 'boy' stuff if it's what she wants.

I think it's all relative. There is a kid in dd2 class whose mother sends her to school with the most elaborate hair I've ever seen. One I'm sure invoked the kid being fully upside down it's sort of upside down French braids. Look fab for a wedding but just for school? IMO that's the kid who grows op thinking her looks are her self worth.

Feminists can also like to wear skirts and make up

As little girl I played endlessly with dolls, loved frilly dresses etc. I also played with Lego, mechano and toy cars. Now I teach engineering at a university. Let your dd enjoy life however she wants, she will make her own way.

YABU bevause you are not addressing the issue. It’s it isn’t being pretty and having a boyfriend it will be something else. Stupid people always worry about stupid things. If you want to spare her from this the best way is to raise her above it. Educate her.

Yes YABU

What if you had a boy @Yrep

How old is your DD now ....?

my dd is like this and I'm the least girly person. However she loves pink and princesses etc...

I've not encouraged or discouraged her because it's her choice and on the flip side she's also on a football team and plays eith cars and play wrestles with her dad just like the boys do.

I'm not worried because she a strong soul and very defiant so I know she's aware that she can be anything she likes and doesn't get discouraged easily.

I looked after a little girl was not allowed to wear dresses/skirts, made to have short haircuts, told being 'girly' was yucky. Not allowed to watch 'girly' films and only allowed to play with 'boys' toys.

She announced she was trans at age 15 and I think has had surgery (she's now 20 something, not sure when she had it.)

I have boys and girls. They wore each other's clothes. Played with each other's toys. Youngest ds around 6 decided to shove some balloons up his top to give himself boobs. They've all experimented with makeup, all love mani/pedi, experimented with hairstyles/colours, pick up whatever clothing they like (older ones are adults).

Basically, they were left free to explore. I never bought into stereotypes. I raised them to be happy, confident and to be the best they can be.

I really hate the notion that ‘girly’ or ‘feminine’ clothes/toys/hobbies is inferior to less girly ones. Is it internalised misogyny or something? Let kids be themselves.
So often you hear (online and in real life) of boys being praised for playing with dolls or putting on a princess dress. But many people also want to discourage girls from doing these things. It’s weird.

Anyway as you’ve said OP you will now encourage her to do what she likes and that’s great.

Op you are way over thinking it.

I have teens now. However I would admit I was a silently 'smug' parent when my dd was younger. I never actively encouraged her one way or the other, but at a very young age she shunned anything pink and sparkly, refused to wear skirts/dresses. As she got older she wanted chose jumpers, tops and shoes from the 'boys' clothing section. She was into Dragons, Wizards and Sci-Fi. She loved dressing up as Batman and unusual book characters for school.

Roll onto her at 14. She's a barrel of self-doubt and riddled with insecurities. She's likes fashion (though I'll admit not very revealing and clingy) and natural make-up. However plenty of her peers have been practising with make-up for ages and apply it perfectly (in her eyes).
She has nice friends and career ambitions but currently hates to stand out from the crowd.

I'm hoping her inner confidence will return and all those early years attitudes/ideas are somehow still in there.
But she's just a normal girl, who likes very normal things.

I would never want to use the word 'girl' as some kind of lawyer thing or bad thing to be.

There’s nothing wrong with girly things. My little one has naturally gravitated towards dolls, dresses etc. I’m sure she’ll go through various phases. Her loving being in a big Elsa dress for an hour doesn’t stop her from playing Lego or climbing trees.

I agree with Bilbo, what is it that makes “girly” inferior?

I have a sparky purple evening dress that I adore, it has not meant that I can’t teach engineering or be assertive at work. I also like knitting and I’m a dab hand at making cakes, still doesn’t stop me enjoying walking round chemical plants. What are you so scared about for your daughter? What is your ambition for her that will be thwarted by having painted nails and pretending to be a princess?

Lawyer? = lesser.

Does she go to nursery or preschool? When my dd started preschool at 3 she suddenly started to want to wear dresses and skirts, and in fact, refused all trousers until recently at 6yrs. She is very girly, in almost direct opposition to me. What I do is greatly encourage her friendship with a boy we’ve known since they were both babies and read lots of books like “women who changed the world” “goodnight stories for rebel girls” and various others recommended on The mighty girl website. This shows her that how she wants to be is perfectly fine, but “look, you can be like this as well, if you want.”

I would chat to my doll about the Meccano I was constructing. I hated trousers and didn't wear them until my teens. Now I rarely wear a skirt.

Just let her be her OP. Femininity isn't a crime you know

@DarnSquirrels doesn’t surprise me. The rapid rise in children being diagnosed as “trans” has to at least be in part due the modern day fixation on “girl’s things” and “boy’s things” driving home the daft message that if you like boys things you must really be a boy and vice versa.

Don't discourage it. Just encourage other things too. My DD is into make up and shoes etc, but she also loves climbing trees and playing football. It's more important that she grows up knowing how to love herself than whether she wants to wear skirts or not

You can be into fashion and like looking nice and be strong confident and sporty. It’s not mutually exclusive. I would chill out. Also don’t fall into the trap of imposing your own experiences on her. She is not you.And she’s only 3! ( I have a 10 year old self proclaiming feminist fashionista who loves sport reading and nail varnish)