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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

165 replies

Readysetcake · 27/01/2019 10:16

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 27/01/2019 10:36

I wouldn't be ok with nail painting etc at that age but a range of dress up options and glitter/pink is fine.

There's nothing wrong with girly interests, but it's important (In my opinion) not to socialise girls into believing they need to pamper themselves and look pretty when 'pretty' means 'a very narrow definition of beauty, usually promoted by a narrow view of what is attractive to men and boys'.

Jaxtellerswife · 27/01/2019 10:36

Don't overthink it. She could be a girl that like all of that stuff and that's fine.

SawnUpLooRoll · 27/01/2019 10:37

Teach her that it's all okay and stop labelling it 😁 I'm not girly, and the result is my 7yo girl marching down the street wearing pink and glitter, hugging two giant dinosaur toys (which she can identify and talk about in great detail). When told by a friend that they were 'boy toys' she said 'no, they're MY toys!'

I feel a little bit proud of this... maybe you'd feel differently, though?

SoupDragon · 27/01/2019 10:42

AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

Why? Is "girly" behaviour somehow bad?

SocksRock · 27/01/2019 10:43

Just offer a range of choices. I've always tried hard to get my kids to believe they can be anything they want. So far, I have 11yo DD who's big passion is ballet. But she's also a superb mathmetician and loves to bake. 9yo DS who is into rugby, coding and playing the flute. And 6yo DD who wants to be an LOL doll when she grows up, but is currently in the bath after a very muddy rugby session. She decided she preferred it to ballet when give the option. Let them be who they will be

minisoksmakehardwork · 27/01/2019 10:43

In my experience (not a girly girl day to day but love dressing up and makeup etc for posh nights out) it doesn't matter how you feel, your children will still want to do it.

If it's any consolation, I have a 10 year old who loves doing her hair, trying makeup and painting her nails. But is just as interested in the outdoors and is very active in her scout unit doing pioneering, fire lighting and survival skills etc.

That she is happy doing both is something which makes me proud.

SerenDippitty · 27/01/2019 10:45

Let her find out and be who she is, not who you would like her to be.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 27/01/2019 10:47

@MardyBra would your daughter not be a kickass feminist if she wore makeup or skirts? Hmm

I think we need to get away from the idea there's something wrong with anything traditionally feminine!

catkind · 27/01/2019 10:47

Don't panic OP, it's probably a phase! You don't need to actively discourage, but you also don't need to coo over her looks. When she dresses up as a princess tell her she looks cool and ask what adventures this princess is going on today. I.e. keep the focus on doing not looking. Tell her in passing that she's beautiful but don't find it particularly interesting and chances are she won't either long term. You could get her some books about kick ass princesses too - the worst princess, paperbag princess, princess smarty pants went down well here.

DD came out the other side at around 5-6. She now scorns anything to do with fairies, is not keen on pink, insists on wearing trousers to school and is delighted with her short hair that takes 20 seconds to brush in the morning. Actually DS also had a pink phase at around 3-5 and was partial to a tutu (was offered ballet lessons but no, he wanted to "teach" me; not one for doing what other people say). Probably inevitable given neither DH nor I like it so it has rarity value in this house!

princessTiasmum · 27/01/2019 10:48

I cant understand why you dont like her wanting dresses and skirts and playing with makeup and nail varnsh etc, after all she IS a girl,
Dont make her feel its wrong, why would you,? it comes naturally to little girls i think, doesnt mean that she will grow up thinking thats all that matters
Let her be anything she wants to be, as long as you teach her morals and how to treat others properly, she wont go far wrong

Burpsandfustles · 27/01/2019 10:49

I really don't think what she does at 3 will shape her whole world and that how she looks is key. That will come frome you praising her mind, her personality etc.

Let her play!! It's a critical part of development! My dd went princess, to wanting to be a boy, back again and is normal balanced child who is told she is beautiful, but is more told she is bright, clever, funny and caring. She's never bothered about looks, never asks for make up or anything... But then I'm quite basic in that area too.

I don't try and pigeon whole her and never have into a girls role or that boys do xyz, I simply don't talk about things in that way.

I say that because I know friend that talk about everything in that way!! Eg Rose really surprised me wanting to play football being a girl... John is massively into his train set his sister if course being a girl hates it... (I saw the sister playing very happily with it).

So please don't curtail her or clip her wings!

planespotting · 27/01/2019 10:49

You can really do both Smile I am a biologist and I have pretty much done every outdoorsy stuff you can imagine. I also like make up and clothes and stuff like that 😀
Personally though, and no offence to anyone I am saying for my own liking! The dresses and face glitter and paint is fine for children but I dislike nailpaint and make up that looks like adult make up. I don't want them to grow too quickly and t think they need those. I only started using make up as a teen, I personally don't like seeing children dressed like adults. Again my preference.

propertywoe · 27/01/2019 10:49

Nails and make up I do have a problem with, usually followed by a “so pretty” comment and the reinforcement begins. My high street has more nail bars (and now brow bars) than shoe shops. Filled with girls 14/15/16 who do not feel complete without it.

ILoveDolly · 27/01/2019 10:49

My middle dd was very much a pink feather boa toddler but also liked trains and very active and confident. We used to call her Miss Piggy (whole family was watching Muppet show at the time for context!) . She is 9 now, still likes nice hair and dresses at times but is sporty and spends most of her time in football kit. So I am trying to say the toddler girly stage isn't going to negatively affect her. Just try to support her wider interests and also encourage and allow constructive pursuits like sports, music, craft, dance or building toys to get her to explore her aptitudes.

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 27/01/2019 10:51

I told my children what actually happened to princesses in the big dresses. That's mostly killed any interest tbh. I don't think you should discourage stereotypically "girly" behaviour. That's not the message you want to give her. SHe'll see it as you thinking things that are asociated with girls are shit. When actually it's that a lot of shit things get associated with girls. Hard to understand at 3. I do think you should discourage makeup etc. There's really no need whatsoever at that age.

You might want to consider asking this question in the feminism section as well.

I think not making a fuss over appearance is important, if she is wearing a massive ball gown don't make a fuss over how pretty she is. Don't discuss looks. How hard she works, how fast she runs, how clever she is for working out that problem, how funny she is.

pouraglasshalffull · 27/01/2019 10:51

If she was dressing up as an astronaut and into STEM type things would you discourage this? No you wouldn't. So why do you think it would be okay to discourage her doing what she wants to do just because its "girly"

Yes YABU to discourage her from doing what she is interested in, however you should also be teaching her that whilst it is fine to be a princess and be girly and play with makeup, it is also okay to not look a certain why/and she is beautiful just the way she is. And instead of discouraging the girly-ness as such, encourage this but also encourage other things too

colditz · 27/01/2019 10:53

She can be a confident and resilient woman who always wears dresses and make up. Don't devalue femininity.

Original poster
Readysetcake · 27/01/2019 10:53

Thank you for all the comments! You’re all right. I don’t ever want to discourage or forbid anything, only ever be supportive and I’ve never said she can’t wear dresses etc and join in the princess play etc. I think I’m just letting my own experiences worry me. I do offer a wide choice of toys and experiences. You’re all absolutely right that I just need to keep offering choices, tell her she can be whatever she wants to be and let her choose her path. I’m a massive worrier and just want her to be happy and not going through the horrendous teenager experiences I did. But maybe I’ll totally over thing it and end up creating a situation I’m trying to avoid. I’ll try and step back and take all the advice. Agree with PP that said we need to stop labelling things as boy or girls and just let them be. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 27/01/2019 10:53

It’s a phase they all go through at that age and little boys enjoy that kind of play too if they are able to. They are playing at being grown ups.

Just introduce other kinds of play and resources so they learn about other aspects of the world too.

Burpsandfustles · 27/01/2019 10:53

Just as aside note even talking in these terms.. Myself included...

My girl loves a pretty dress but equally loves her trousers and climbing trees is actually quite curtailing in itself.

What woman didn't always encompass lots of interests to way back when.

Most of us our balanced. If anything it's boys who have suffered more scorn for doing so called girly things.

It shouldn't be surprising for any girl to like train sets and animals and or not dolls.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2019 10:53

I did not allow my DD to wear skirts or have dolls

WTAF??

If she'd been a boy would you have not allowed shorts or trousers? To not play with cars or dinosaurs?

Why must we discourage girls from anything remotely 'feminine', yet boys can play with all things 'masculine' (except guns) and dolls and tutus if they want?

ColdBrexitWithMilkForBreakfast · 27/01/2019 10:54

Also people will tell you (repeatedly) that these things aren't important, despite all evidence to the contrary. They will also tell ou that they raised their children the same way, the girls just "naturally" were drawn to pink glittery tat. As in the wild. Hmm

People don't realise that the whole point of children is to sponge up all the cultural influences around them and that hearing "typical boy" and "oh you're sol ucky to have a girl you can do things like colour with2 etc a million times over at play group before they are 4 has an effect.

That telling your child they can play with what they want but then decorating the room/nursery with pink shit from the start..only buying them pink shit for their birthdays. ...everyone else only buying them pink shit... only buying them clothes that you can't play in has an effect.

HeckinHell · 27/01/2019 10:55

My daughter was into pink, Disney princesses, having her nails painted and all that stuff when she was that age. I didn’t either encourage or discourage; just let her do her own thing, whatever she was comfortable with.

She’s now a young teen, lives in jeans/converse and is affectionately known among her friend group as the “goth one” because she pretty much only wears black. She doesn’t own a single dress!

Burpsandfustles · 27/01/2019 10:55

Op your own child is already a world away fro your experience because she has different up bringing to you. As parent we need to realise our dc experience is totally different and fresh.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 27/01/2019 10:55

I’d look at wear her influences are coming from. 3 year olds don’t get notions about wearing make up from nowhere. Grin

If you’re able to bottom it out, perhaps you could offer some balance?