AIBU to discourage “girly” behaviour in 3 year old?

[Readysetcake]

DD is starting to want to wear skirts and dresses, asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc. I’m not “girly” don’t wear make up day to day just nights out not really into clothes and she doesn’t watch Disney yet (scares easily) so not sure where it’s coming from.

It’s not that I have anything again make up and fashion really, I just don’t want her to grow up and thinking that the way she looks is the most important thing and that to be happy she needs a boy friend like I did. I was so miserable as a teenager as I thought I was ugly and because I didn’t have a boyfriend I was worthless. I still struggle with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my girl. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything. If it turns out she wants to be a princess that’s fine but I just don’t want society to dictate that to her. I do t want her to think her value is based on the way she looks which is how the world wants women’s to be it seems. What can I do to raise my girl to be confident and resilient with out enforcing any particular thing?

Kids’ nail paint that peels off easily is a good compromise. My youngest girls are 8 and 9 and they have gone through various phases and I just go with it.
My 9 year old currently has short hair and will only wear hoodies and leggings, but at 3 it was all about the princess dresses and glittery nail polish. My youngest will only wear matching coloured outfits! Not enforcing gender stereotypes is not the same as actively discouraging preferences. Children have to explore, IMO.

I grew up with a girl who wasn’t allowed to wear skirts and dresses or have Barbies etc. She had the worst self esteem of any one I knew. Pretty sure she’s no contact with her mother now too, very sad.

She can be a confident and resilient woman who always wears dresses and make up. Don't devalue femininity.

If you see feminity as dresses and makeup, you're the one devaluing it

I grew up with a girl who wasn’t allowed to wear skirts and dresses or have Barbies etc. She had the worst self esteem of any one I knew. Pretty sure she’s no contact with her mother now too, very sad.

Pretty sure that won't be the reason they are no contact

On the other side, my stepson wanted to wear a dress to nursery, which he did a few times. The phase passed and he is now a strapping man with absolutely no wish to wear a dress and a lovely girlfriend :-)

Please don’t teach your daughter that things that are stereotypically feminine are somehow bad. Would you try to discourage a little boy from pretending to be a superhero?

Just let her explore all aspects of her personality, whether or not you happen to share them. Ask her what she likes, and why she likes it. Also, is caring about her appearance really so terrible? As adults, we all know that good grooming is important, and that our choices in clothing, hair etc reflect who we are/want to be. Maybe teach her that beauty should be about making choices as to how she likes to look, rather than forcing her looks to fit society’s narrowly-defined mould.

. I want to give her confidence and her to know that she can do and be anything.

And if she wants to play st being a princess or play at getting married - then surely that should also be allowed.

And if she wants to wear dresses and skirts - also allowed.

I do think it's important that we don't make traditional 'Girl' things seen as somehow less or not as important. Otherwise we encourage the whole idea that girls aren't as important as boys simply by denying these things to our girls IF that is what they've chosen.

Why shouldn't ANY child be allowed to like sparkles and glitter, or to pretend to be a princess and why can't they be seen as the same value as dressing up as a racing car driver or having camouflage stripes on their face?

Cold brexit

Who decides what dc can and can't play in. I had loads of really pretty charity shop dresses and hand me downs from cousin when dc little.. She managed to do everything else in them as well as in leggings or trousers. They both hated jeans.. Material too stiff and hard... The only item they hated was jeans and couldn't move as well in.. Funnily enough I used to get comments.. Oh your brave letting them play in their best etc.

I had to point out actually that cost 1.00 or was free and I don't care what happens to it.

In my view all clothes dc get in are for play and tearing and getting paint on unless they are flower girls at a wedding... Even then once wedding over.. It's fair game.

Please don’t teach your daughter that things that are stereotypically feminine are somehow bad. Would you try to discourage a little boy from pretending to be a superhero?

There's nothing inherently concerning about wanting to be strong and help others though is there?

Army print, play fighting, Realistic toy guns, Action men, "I'm a little Terror" clothes etc a lot of people do wish to avoid. They reinforce the wrong kind of stereotypes around masculinity.

Banning a child in those extremes is symptom of very controlling parent. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if that's why they don't talk.

As a child I had older siblings so I had wondeful range of toys to go at from both sexes. I was very determined and there is no way I would have Been happy with a strict parent coming down like a ton of bricks trying to curtail my play!!

“I did not allow my DD to wear skirts or have dolls. She has turned out ok. She watched a Disney film when she was 9.”

That is a bit of a narrow minded viewpoint. Or are you a wind up merchant?

DD had dolls, and trains, and cars, and cuddly toys. She was never really interested in dolls, and hates babies in RL. She isn’t very girly, but she is her own person quite capable of making her own choices. What I didn’t do was remove that choice from her.

I'm not a fan of the pink princess thing however you should not suppress it. I would try not to praise her for her looks- oh you're so pretty, you look pretty, or she'll learn to feel valued by her appearance. Especially don't make a big deal when she's wearing makeup or she'll think she's not good enough without it.

Praise her for her actions and character.

^*Yrep
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I did not allow my DD to wear skirts or have dolls.

But why did you not allow these things?
Why are dresses and dolls bad?
Why did you not allow your child to make her own choices about her clothing and toy preferences?
If you truely want your daughter to feel that she is just as valued as anyone else, and she can be whatever she wants - why ban things she shows a preference for? Surely your actions in banning such things just shows her that she can actually only be the person you want her to be, not who she chooses to be.

asking to have her nails painted, wanting to be a princess all the time and asking me to marry her etc etc

Both my kids did this for a bit. One girl one boy. Isn't it just kids playing?

Oh FFS! If a little girl wants to be 'girly' and wear pink, and pretty lace, and she wants to play with dolls, so what?

Why this obsession with 'not conforming' and making girls wear blue, boys wear pink, and refusing to let girls play with dolls and shit?!

Leave the poor little buggars alone and let them play how they want, and with WHAT they want.

You want a child to fit your own agenda rather than wanting her to like what she likes?

Who decides what dc can and can't play in.

I've actually heard parents at the park tell their daughters not to get their pretty clothes dirty. Some dresses are fine to play in but a pair of leggins or stretchy trackies or trousers is usually best for playground equipment and safer.

I wouldn't want to run in a wedding dress. I couldn't run in a wedding dress. And I wouldn't want to hang upside down from the monkey bars in a dress that got caught under my legs.

I grew up with a girl who wasn’t allowed to wear skirts and dresses or have Barbies etc. She had the worst self esteem of any one I knew. Pretty sure she’s no contact with her mother now too, very sad.
I wasn't allowed a barbie
It was all I wanted
I became obsessed with them. I do wonder if this had an impact on my self esteem and my eating disorders in search of the perfect body

Dd always liked very girly stuff - obsessed with pink - even through the stage when it wasn't considered cool among her friends - she was closet pink lover - complete opposite to me! I think it's not good to signal that you disapprove of her tastes and choices - she is not you - allow her to explore her tastes.

I wonder if some people are stuck back in 40s 50s cinderella mode...

It's a fairy tale. Many more Disney films... Merida, moana.elsa, anna. Etc all have modern female characters... As they reflect the times they are made in.

hy this obsession with 'not conforming' and making girls wear blue, boys wear pink, and refusing to let girls play with dolls and shit?!

Do you understand that it was only the "obsession" with girls being a certain way and boys being a certain way that has caused it in the first place?

Do you think female animals just can't stop rolling themselves in glitter?

Let her wear the nail polish and horrific glitter that gets everywhere if it makes her happy. My dd is the girliest of girls, but is confident, smart, sporty and has lots of friends. Just because you dress one way doesn't mean you can do certain things.
My ds used to love wearing the bat dress, didn't stop him from being girly either, he liked nail polish too. However has no interest in it now he is 12. Just let her be who she is.

Lots of them go through this stage. THROUGH is the important part. The house was a fairy, princess, pink glitter central at that age with lipgloss, glitter gel, peel off nail polish etc. All driven by them. I’m not a girly girl, I not wear make, I don’t wear dresses or skirts & I definitely wasn’t the one pushing it.

They climbed trees, played in the sand, scrabbled around in the woods in their fairy/princess clobber and I washed it. I felt that was important so they weren’t ‘either or’ about stuff.

I’m sorry you went through what you did and it’s natural to want to prevent them from anything like that, but that’s best achieved by letting them be carefree.

Try to enjoy her and not worry.

I became obsessed with them. I do wonder if this had an impact on my self esteem and my eating disorders in search of the perfect body

Do you honestly think having a doll that was designed to look like an anorexic with breast implants would have improved your feelings about your body?

I've seen a lot of studies that show that girls are more body conscious the more they are exposed to these sort of toys, certainly nothing saying the other way around!